Court Lesson One: The Accidental Witness

I actually absorbed  an hour and a half of custody cases this morning. I also got to observe one of the other judges who may be assigned to my case. Still no word on whether my filing fees will be waived, but the clerk said she would bring it to the judge’s attention. Eek. Hope that doesn’t piss him off.

The two domestic disputes I witnessed were like night and day, Aries and Pisces, tequila and coffee. The first was a pair of aging, White, upper-middle classers, both represented by Lawyers. The second was Miss Thang, Que Rica, ghetto fabulous, representing herself. Miss Thang had her two kiddos in tow, but ditched them with a Sk8ter Boi babysitter the hallway.

I sat through the catty, White couple hearing, listening to the Lawyers go at it. The Exes shot each other looks of death, and consequently turned up their noses at each other as each request was presented. Que Rica was another story.

I had arrived at the courthouse at 8:30 am. The cunty White Exes had their hearing at 9 am. At that point the court clerk had come into the room and asked me if I was “Radisha”, to which I replied, “Uh no.” She turned and left.

Que Rica Radisha did finally show up at about 9:20 with her Homegirl and Homekiddos, and sat down across from me. The judge was wicked confused and asked her why she was there. She said she was there for a status conference and her hubby was supposed to call in, but his lame ass ditched her on the last one, and of course was going to ditch her on this one.

The clerk came back in and informed her that her hubby did call  but Radisha was nowhere to be found. Que Rica stood up and said “Excuse me lady, but I was sitting here at 9 am. I didn’t hear you call me.” The court clerk, who resembled a Human version of “Roz” from Monsters Inc, gave this insubordinate Hussy a withering glare and POINTED AT ME.

“Your hubby called in at 9 am. I came in here and asked this lady if she was “Radisha” and she said no. You definitely weren’t here.”

Homeslice Radisha looked at me and I thought her ginormous, studded hoop earrings were going to fly off and slice my throat open. I thought, Ok Roz, I know you’re right and everything, but please don’t implicate me as a witness which may result in my disrespecting the Durango faction of “La Eme.”

Luckily for me, I didn’t have to prove Miss Thang wrong, because the Judge got on the ball and told the clerk to get Homeboy on the phone.

Radisha turned to her Homegirl and said “Oh no she di’int just call me a liar to my face.”

Outside you could hear the kiddlets pulling each other’s hair out, and Sk8ter Boi emerged, looking slightly miffed that these children were destroying his Sativic buzz.

I left halfway through the status conference, because the Judge was basically going through the filing process, step by step with the exes. Since Homeboy was on a cell phone with crappy reception, it was a painfully slow process, and I’ve already filled out my forms for the most part.

I did catch a few rainbows from my court experience, which was satisfying. I definitely know that I’m not the only pscyho representing myself, and I should leave the attitude and the kids at home.

I wonder what kind of circus tomorrow’s docket will present.