So I’ve been trying to write again.. good lord a YEAR between posts, really? SHAME ! (GoT reference there) I must have a life or something outside this blog. Actually a life that in the past 18 months included: moving to a new state, new house, new job, in with a (relatively) new boyfriend, getting my kid started at a new school… you know…basically starting a new life (no big).
Oh and my kid is TEN now. When I started blogging, she was less than a year old.
Here’s some perspective:
BLOWS MY GD MIND..
I started this blog in 2007 because I had recently become a single mom, was struggling to find a place to live, and was generally overwhelmed with how I was going to handle parenting alone.
Is it cavalier for me to say that parenting was the easy part?
Yeah.. it’s relationships that are hard…
OK so parenting is hard too. But after being single for 8+ years, I was comfortable with it. I had gotten into a groove where I was competent at handling my job, child, LIFE .. etc on my own. In fact, I was good at it. By the time LB was 5, I had a decent paying job, nice apartment, excellent schools for her, and my cooking had been upgraded from cans and boxes to mostly fresh food.
Yeah, it was hard work, and there were times when I was lonely, but I eventually I began to really enjoy my life as a single mom. I also think I was very lucky, obviously being the recipient of white privilege. I managed to make a chunk of money on donating my DNA, which has floated me through emergencies and drama, and I’ve been awarded a good amount of free time while my daughter spends summers with her dad (Roofie and I are on civil terms now).
But best part of it was.. I called all the shots in my life. I made all the decisions, the choices.. AND I took all the credit. I was the hero of my own story.
And that is a glorious feeling.
But now I’m in a serious relationship…..and it’s hard. But more on that later friends😉
Guess what? Yes, I know, I actually blogged, but more importantly….. It’s that time of year again in the southwest!
I could feel the slow Capsaicin burn creeping up my fingers, making me smile at the pain that would linger on my skin for hours. This is gonna be a hot batch, I thought to myself with glee. Funny how a plant probably developed this chemical in order to keep humans AWAY from it, and yet we “put that sh*t on everything.”
Ahhhh the therapeutic ritual of prepping chile:
Peeling off the blackened, fire roasted layer of skin.
Stripping the seeds off the slimy vegetable flesh; reminds me of octopus tentacles.
Pulling out the pulpy green innards…
Straight up GUTTING, Yo.
I LoOOVEEEEEEEEE chile season.❤
Yesterday was all doom and gloom. So here’s some enlightenment from Skeletor himself. Smile errrbody. Today will be grand!
My mom has been writing me letters. Real letters, not email. When she wants pics of her grandchild, or make sure I’m still alive, she will call or text. Sometimes we Skype with the kid. She decided she wanted to write letters because she felt disconnected to me. She doesn’t like the distance between us. I think my moving 400 miles away was an emotional slap in the face to her. She thinks it was physical evidence of my desire to escape her.
Anyway, over Christmas she felt I was being cold to her. I’ve never had that mother/daughter relationship where we did each others nails and told secrets to each other while brushing our hair. The more trouble I got into, the more I tried to keep her away from my problems. Eventually I had no choice but to let her help me, and since then I’ve had a hard time getting over the guilt from that.
I like to blame Astrology, so this all can be tied back to Saturn Returns. When you are 29-30 you are forced to deal with your “mommy issues” and my mother sending me a big box of stationery seems to be its materialization in my life.
A lot of things came out during our exchange, most of it painful. She’s worried about me being alone. She thinks her relationship with my dad has set me up for a life of failure when it comes to men. I don’t think she can blame herself for my screw-ups, but I was kind of scared she was right in one respect: That I was doomed.
Yes I’ve come back. You’ve noticed? I’m still posting over at my new blog Pisces Pictures, but I miss this one. Its been here for me so long (4 years now) and somehow it’s comforting to see its face again.
I’ve also been catching up on the other single mamas who I started reading almost half a decade ago. SO MANY CHANGES! Engagements, weddings, graduations, higher education pursuits, job changes, moves, break-ups, pregnancies… it’s amazing. The more I’ve been catching up, the more I want to make a whole post dedicated to their lives.
So here goes:
Single moms who are now married:
- Rachel Sarah @Single Mom Seeking
- Kristin Darguzas @ Tall n Lucky
- Morgan Siler @ModernsingleMama (though she was already in the process)
Single Moms who are engaged to be married
Single Moms who were engaged, but decided it wasn’t for them
Single Moms who are in serious relationships
Single Moms who are pregnant or who have had another baby
Single Moms who are pursuing degrees
I’ve kept up with these bloggers via Facebook, mostly. But some of them I’ve stopped reading their blogs and in my absence, they’ve become private or password protected.
Now I must go and beg for forgiveness.
I’m still single. I haven’t had a baby. I haven’t gone back to school. I don’t have much news to report. But it makes me hopeful to see everyone else moving forward. Maybe I will get there too.
I used to believe in the Golden Rule. My hippie parents taught me to “treat people the way you want to be treated” and so I went forth into the world with the best of intentions for my fellow-man. I would show them respect and logically, I would receive it in return.
I soon realized the rule didn’t work that way. You don’t get back what you give. You can send out all the hugs and kisses and cakes and butterflies, but the world is not required to reciprocate.
This was a hard lesson for an impressionable Pisces like me. I couldn’t understand why I was being subject to so much abuse and torture from my peers. I was giving them love and understanding, they were giving me ridicule and disgust. Bullies and Opportunists preyed on my sunny disposition. To them, if I was fool enough to let them in, it was my own fault for getting emotionally robbed.