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Court Lesson One: The Accidental Witness

September 30, 2008

I actually absorbed  an hour and a half of custody cases this morning. I also got to observe one of the other judges who may be assigned to my case. Still no word on whether my filing fees will be waived, but the clerk said she would bring it to the judge’s attention. Eek. Hope that doesn’t piss him off.

The two domestic disputes I witnessed were like night and day, Aries and Pisces, tequila and coffee. The first was a pair of aging, White, upper-middle classers, both represented by Lawyers. The second was Miss Thang, Que Rica, ghetto fabulous, representing herself. Miss Thang had her two kiddos in tow, but ditched them with a Sk8ter Boi babysitter the hallway.

I sat through the catty, White couple hearing, listening to the Lawyers go at it. The Exes shot each other looks of death, and consequently turned up their noses at each other as each request was presented. Que Rica was another story.

I had arrived at the courthouse at 8:30 am. The cunty White Exes had their hearing at 9 am. At that point the court clerk had come into the room and asked me if I was “Radisha”, to which I replied, “Uh no.” She turned and left.

Que Rica Radisha did finally show up at about 9:20 with her Homegirl and Homekiddos, and sat down across from me. The judge was wicked confused and asked her why she was there. She said she was there for a status conference and her hubby was supposed to call in, but his lame ass ditched her on the last one, and of course was going to ditch her on this one.

The clerk came back in and informed her that her hubby did call  but Radisha was nowhere to be found. Que Rica stood up and said “Excuse me lady, but I was sitting here at 9 am. I didn’t hear you call me.” The court clerk, who resembled a Human version of “Roz” from Monsters Inc, gave this insubordinate Hussy a withering glare and POINTED AT ME.

“Your hubby called in at 9 am. I came in here and asked this lady if she was “Radisha” and she said no. You definitely weren’t here.”

Homeslice Radisha looked at me and I thought her ginormous, studded hoop earrings were going to fly off and slice my throat open. I thought, Ok Roz, I know you’re right and everything, but please don’t implicate me as a witness which may result in my disrespecting the Durango faction of “La Eme.”

Luckily for me, I didn’t have to prove Miss Thang wrong, because the Judge got on the ball and told the clerk to get Homeboy on the phone.

Radisha turned to her Homegirl and said “Oh no she di’int just call me a liar to my face.”

Outside you could hear the kiddlets pulling each other’s hair out, and Sk8ter Boi emerged, looking slightly miffed that these children were destroying his Sativic buzz.

I left halfway through the status conference, because the Judge was basically going through the filing process, step by step with the exes. Since Homeboy was on a cell phone with crappy reception, it was a painfully slow process, and I’ve already filled out my forms for the most part.

I did catch a few rainbows from my court experience, which was satisfying. I definitely know that I’m not the only pscyho representing myself, and I should leave the attitude and the kids at home.

I wonder what kind of circus tomorrow’s docket will present.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. September 30, 2008 11:45 am

    I just laughed my ass off reading that post, PH!! Glad your visit to court provided some entertainment, if nothing else…

    (The Roz part was my favorite!)

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  2. September 30, 2008 11:59 am

    ROFLMAO.

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  3. September 30, 2008 1:25 pm

    Oh, this sounds like a dream come true day for me! I know that sounds crazy, but I’ve often longed to spend a day in court and just watch it all unfold. But I’m also with you that I do not want to be an accidental witness!

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  4. September 30, 2008 2:20 pm

    April- Being the fly on the wall is kind of fun isn’t it? I wonder if people could become addicted to sitting in on court like Edward Norton was addicted to attending support groups in Fight Club?

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  5. September 30, 2008 2:52 pm

    Haha. At least it was entertaining. The day I went to court for my divorce, I had to wait through all the cases to prove that my husband wouldn’t show. I enjoyed listening to all the cases, and was disappointed when my turn came. Some of them are pretty interesting.

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  6. September 30, 2008 2:55 pm

    I have never seen fight club (of course) but I think it would be VERY addictive; it wouldn’t work where I live, because we have like one courtroom; some days it is used for district court and sometimes for Magistrate. But in a bigger city, I can totally see how it would be great to sort of roam from floor to floor, room to room, and just watch. Yeah-I am a rubbernecker.

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  7. September 30, 2008 7:31 pm

    I am so impressed that you are taking the time and doing the research so that you are ready to represent yourself. And getting a little comic relief in the process.

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  8. laurakim123 permalink
    September 30, 2008 9:18 pm

    Sounds like a real life Judge Judy!!!

    But its good you checking it out and getting ideas about how its going to be!

    Will also make you a little more comfortable when its your turn!

    Like

  9. Shiona permalink
    October 1, 2008 8:54 am

    Oh man! I would have felt the same way. Don’t bring me into this. I’m glad you learned something amidst some drama.

    Like

  10. October 1, 2008 8:37 pm

    Good times, good times.

    Like

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