Mel Gibson and the hot asses of Apocalytpo

I was raised in a television/video game-free home. From an early age, the themes “violence in the media” and ‘”Manipulative Advertising” were constant mantras in my family. My mother was an anti-mass media crusader. We were allowed to watch videos, but only after parental approval. My mother nurtured my artistic talent like a dewy frond, hooking me up with every paintbrush-toting-hippie she could find. She still has a watercolor picture I painted at age 9 on her wall.

I guess it was only natural that I ditched my art classes and ended up going to film school.

I didn’t see Passion of the Christ, but I read all the hype and hysteria that followed it. In general, I really was never all that interested in disgustingly rich actors becoming directors. It really just proves that money can buy anything, even artistic vision. But when Jiji handed me Apocaplyto and told me to watch it, I knew I couldn’t snob my way out of seeing this one.

Damn. Talk about eye candy. Pulsating-jungle, blue-painted, ass-clenching, ginormous-hair-do, possessed-girl, tree frog-stabbing, mud- wrestling, decapitation eye candy. WOW. What an exhausting 3 hours of Mel Gibson’s cinematic orgasm.

I really liked it, though I think its one of those movies I can only watch once. If I were a guy, I may be tempted to revel in the testosterone over and over, but by the end, I was a little burned out (if not completely turned on). Between all the testicle eating, penis/fertility joking, father-son issues, hunting, fighting and ripping arrows of out chests with manly grunts, I was almost grunting along with them.

The scene in the end where dude jumps off the waterfall and yells “I am Jaguar Paw! This is my forest!” totally reeked of “I am Wind in His Hair! Do you see I am not afraid of you?!” Thankfully the asses you saw in this movie were NOT the pasty white asses of Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves. I also give kudos to Rudy Youngblood who literally sprinted through half the duration of the movie. Damn what a hottie. I would follow him into the jungle any day.

I did cry a little when the kids were being ripped away from their mothers, and the little girl yells “I’ll take care of them! They are mine now!” Yeah, can’t deny the maternal instinct. Also, what is it about the universal appeal of using young girls as demonic carriers of fear? I swear if there is a bad omen to be told, it will be told by a little girl with messy hair and scary eyes. Small Pox helps with the overall presentation too. Just another reason why I was scared to death to give birth to a girl.

Speaking of giving birth…OMG how hardcore are we moms to give birth in a flooding cave? I was like YOU GO GIRL, as she was up to her neck in water, clinging to a stalactite, while her toddler sits on her shoulders, and she pops out the baby. THAT’S the way to have a water birth!

Besides the horror-movie-like cranial blood spray in the end, the generic drumming selection of music, the predictable pig-skewer-death scene (did ya think after 3 hours we would just “forget” the secrets of the jungle, Mel?) and the Dances with Wolves-esque speech, I really liked the beautiful scenery, the scintillating cinematography, the over-the-top use of slo-motion, and the hotness of Rudy Youngblood’s kick-ass warrior/father/son/friend character.

Thanks Mel, I guess if you are rich enough, you really can buy enough talented actors, cinematographers, camera-peeps, costume designers, editors and stuntmen to make a truly gorgeous movie, even if it was 3 hours long.

Danny Boyle, the director of Trainspotting, Sunshine and 28 days Later says that a good director always HAS to cut his favorite scene. I love that. I think it shows discipline and the fact that you aren’t just making a movie for yourself. I guess Mel Gibson doesn’t agree. I guess all 3 hours of film were just too damn good to cut.

P.S. The Aztec medicine man was DEFINITELY smoking peyote.

Thanks Jiji…now are you ever gonna watch Sherrybaby????