Enriching your life
My mom has been writing me letters. Real letters, not email. When she wants pics of her grandchild, or make sure I’m still alive, she will call or text. Sometimes we Skype with the kid. She decided she wanted to write letters because she felt disconnected to me. She doesn’t like the distance between us. I think my moving 400 miles away was an emotional slap in the face to her. She thinks it was physical evidence of my desire to escape her.
Anyway, over Christmas she felt I was being cold to her. I’ve never had that mother/daughter relationship where we did each others nails and told secrets to each other while brushing our hair. The more trouble I got into, the more I tried to keep her away from my problems. Eventually I had no choice but to let her help me, and since then I’ve had a hard time getting over the guilt from that.
I like to blame Astrology, so this all can be tied back to Saturn Returns. When you are 29-30 you are forced to deal with your “mommy issues” and my mother sending me a big box of stationery seems to be its materialization in my life.
A lot of things came out during our exchange, most of it painful. She’s worried about me being alone. She thinks her relationship with my dad has set me up for a life of failure when it comes to men. I don’t think she can blame herself for my screw-ups, but I was kind of scared she was right in one respect: That I was doomed.
Someone for everyone
Yes I’ve come back. You’ve noticed? I’m still posting over at my new blog Pisces Pictures, but I miss this one. Its been here for me so long (4 years now) and somehow it’s comforting to see its face again.
I’ve also been catching up on the other single mamas who I started reading almost half a decade ago. SO MANY CHANGES! Engagements, weddings, graduations, higher education pursuits, job changes, moves, break-ups, pregnancies… it’s amazing. The more I’ve been catching up, the more I want to make a whole post dedicated to their lives.
So here goes:
Single moms who are now married:
- Rachel Sarah @Single Mom Seeking
- Kristin Darguzas @ Tall n Lucky
- Littlemansmom
- Morgan Siler @ModernsingleMama (though she was already in the process)
Single Moms who are engaged to be married
- Kori @ See Kori Rant
- Laura @Harrassed Single Mom
Single Moms who were engaged, but decided it wasn’t for them
- Alaina @ Ms.SingleMama
- MommyPie
- QTMama
Single Moms who are in serious relationships
- Tonya @ Lifesclassroom
- And Baby Makes Two
Single Moms who are pregnant or who have had another baby
Single Moms who are pursuing degrees
I’ve kept up with these bloggers via Facebook, mostly. But some of them I’ve stopped reading their blogs and in my absence, they’ve become private or password protected.
Now I must go and beg for forgiveness.
I’m still single. I haven’t had a baby. I haven’t gone back to school. I don’t have much news to report. But it makes me hopeful to see everyone else moving forward. Maybe I will get there too.
The Golden Rule
I used to believe in the Golden Rule. My hippie parents taught me to “treat people the way you want to be treated” and so I went forth into the world with the best of intentions for my fellow-man. I would show them respect and logically, I would receive it in return.
I soon realized the rule didn’t work that way. You don’t get back what you give. You can send out all the hugs and kisses and cakes and butterflies, but the world is not required to reciprocate.
This was a hard lesson for an impressionable Pisces like me. I couldn’t understand why I was being subject to so much abuse and torture from my peers. I was giving them love and understanding, they were giving me ridicule and disgust. Bullies and Opportunists preyed on my sunny disposition. To them, if I was fool enough to let them in, it was my own fault for getting emotionally robbed.
Safety: Know your kid.
When I was asked how to make my home safer for my child, I thought “Well, don’t have chain saws lying around or anything.” All joking aside, I know what it means to be cautious and conservative about your kid’s surroundings. Living in a custody situation where you are constantly being judged on ”how good/bad a mom you are” really puts a heightened sense of awareness in your daily life.
My biggest rules:
1. Know your kid. Really. Was your kid the baby who cried when the vacuum cleaner was on, or who laughed and clapped their hands at the loud noise? Did he have a natural distaste for putting dirt in his mouth, or was he shoving it in by the spatula-full? Does she approach animals like they are big teddy bears, or does she hide behind your leg when the local German Shepard tries to sniff her?
Some kids are more courageous than others. Some contemplate longer before acting. Some are naturally shy, and some seem to have been born without fear. Which one is yours? How to balance the elements of keeping your kid safe and helping them build confidence is a tricky conundrum in the parenting world. All of us want our children to gain independence and problem-solving skills, but that doesn’t mean throwing them into the gauntlet unprepared.
!”2. Educate your kid: One of the best things you can do is give your kid the tools to tackle the big scary world without fear and intimidation. Let them know you trust them. But let them know there are rules to follow too. If any of you have a 4-year-old, there’s no shortage of opportunities to answer the illustrious “WHY?” question. Seriously, their brains are BEGGING to be educated.
My kid asked me why she had to sit facing forward in her booster car seat. My response: Because the cops will get you. Maybe a slight dramatization but it works. She knows that when she’s not strapped in, or facing the correct direction, she’s breaking the law. And when you break the law, the cops come.
Again, knowing what’s important to your kid helps here. Will they be afraid if you tell them “because if we get into a wreck and you go through the windshield, you will die” or will they think its the funniest thing ever?
3. Let the natural consequences teach the lesson of safety (when they are not dangerous!) My daughter’s booster seat has transformed itself from warm-cozy car seat, to annoying hinderance to her backseat coloring-fest, is constantly pulling on the seatbelt, trying to reach the dropped crayons on the floor. Predictably, the seatbelt will eventually be pulled out to its maximum capacity and lock, gripping her tighter than any human being enjoys. She cries and throws a fit for the remainder of the trip, but unfortunately for her, every action has a response. If she chooses to be unsafe, the consequences are not good.
4. Know where to draw the line. Some things need parental intervention. You know your kid’s limits, you can asses what situations will be the most dangerous. I’ve watched my daughter use knives and scissors and told her which ones are safe and what cannot be touched. I trust her to ask me before eating or drinking anything unknown. But I do worry about other things, such as talking to strangers and wandering off in public. If you are confused about how to find a solution to a problem, make a ultimatum until you figure it out. My ultimatum for talking to strangers is “If mom doesn’t talk to them first, then you don’t talk to them either.”
You are the parent. You make the rules. If you don’t know the answer, make a ultimatium until you educate yourself enough to make a decision on where you stand.
*This is an entry to the Safest Line contest. To learn more, please visit http://www.thesafestline.com.
2010 in review
The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:
The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.
Crunchy numbers
About 3 million people visit the Taj Mahal every year. This blog was viewed about 50,000 times in 2010. If it were the Taj Mahal, it would take about 6 days for that many people to see it.
In 2010, there were 42 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 467 posts. There were 15 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 2mb. That’s about a picture per month.
The busiest day of the year was February 15th with 476 views. The most popular post that day was Horrormonal.
Where did they come from?
The top referring sites in 2010 were datewrecks.com, mssinglemama.com, Google Reader, singlemommindy.blogspot.com, and whefah.blogspot.com.
Some visitors came searching, mostly for c section scar, c-section scar, muffin top, c section, and c section scars.
Attractions in 2010
These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.
Horrormonal April 2008
4 comments
Blogroll September 2008
Single Parent Movies October 2008
10 comments
Lilo & Stitch and the “Broken Family” July 2008
15 comments
Confessions of a Fag Hag June 2009
11 comments
The new blog
I’m trying to figure out how to hook up my WordPress account to have Pisces Pictures as its main blog, but I have been unsuccessful. My ID automatically links back here. I know there’s some URL forwarding I can do, but for now I’m stuck.
I don’t really WANT to shut down Cost of Living completely, but I think I need to start over fresh. I wonder if I can archive this blog somehow. I need some blog consulting. Ha.
Anyway, back to Aries Guy…
Pisces Pictures
The saga continues..
BPS
Dear Blog,
I’ve abandoned you. If there were a Blog Protective Services, they would have taken you away from me due to an extreme case of neglect. You used to comfort me, when I was alone in a very dark place. You connected me with other single moms, who made me feel normal and whole again. As pathetic as it sounds, I credit you for keeping me away from drugs, alcohol and another abusive relationship.
I would spill my guts to your screen and somehow you would filter it out into something people appreciated. I’ve met real people through you. I have moved closer to those people, and remain connected to others who I have left behind. I suppose I owe it to them to keep writing.
I still stare at screens. All day in fact, and they pay me to do it. I wonder if my eyes will one day dry up like jellyfish on a beach from staring at screens too much.
Blog, you’ve been a good friend. I’ve confessed numerous things to you. When I felt like I had nowhere else to go, I came here. Not because I didn’t have friends or family to support me, but because sometimes you don’t want to see that look run across the face of someone you love. That look of pain, horror or disappointment.
The soap opera of my life makes better reading material than pillow talk. 9 times out of 10 I’m biting my tongue when I open my mouth, but not with you. My fingers are like flood gates. They run free and I don’t care who is reading what spills from them.
I went to court this week. Again. I’ve told you many stories of court, Dear blog, and hopefully this is the last one. I got up on the stand, all sweaty and scared and looked that small town judge in the eye and told him I had been taking care of my daughter since she was 9 months old and I wanted it to remain that way. Roofie attempted to make their cases, saying that LB staying at home all day with them would be comparable to the Montessori school I have her enrolled in for the fall. The judge didn’t buy it.
The permanent order was as follows: child shall be with her mother during the school year, starting in Kindergarten and 9 weeks in the summers with the father. Until then, a 3 week/2 week arrangement shall take place with the larger amount of time spent with the mother. Father shall pay for the 3/4 the cost of Montessori school and shall continue to pay child support to the mother.
For the next year, the drive will continue to be exhausting, but in 2011, LB will be with me during the important part of the year. I got her in the best school I could and I can’t wait to see how she will do there.
I’m happy here, blog. I like my new town, job, life. I’ve met a boy. I’ve almost finished rewriting my screenplay. I have at least 2 more I want start. And now that I don’t have the constant fear of losing custody looming over my head, I think I can be a whole person again. I think good things can come my way, because I’m opening up to them.
Thanks for being there for me.
Love,
Hanna
Wishful Thinking
This week has been totally out of whack. Astrology says it’s because we are coming to a cosmic ”T-Square”, which is the equivalent of the Big Lebowski of all astrological events. My brain has been on crack I think. See the following example.
Tuesday afternoon, I sit at my post at the front desk. I check the clock. It reads “4:55 pm”. A student walks up to me and I stifle a eye-roll.
“Hi,” says the student. “I have a question about my parent’s loan for the fall semester.”
“Ok,” I say. “But I can’t give you much information about their finances, since they took it out in their name.”
“Well they have no idea how to fill out the loan application.”
I sigh. “They can call me on monday morning and I can walk them through the instructions.”
Silence. He looks at me. I stare at him. I wonder if I giant zit has exploded on my face or something horrible like that.
“Uh,” he says, “is there a reason why they have to call monday?”
I stared at him like a cow stares at a fence post.
“Uh…”"”
Suddenly my lesbian boss’ voice rings out from behind me.
“Because she thinks today is Friday, not Tuesday!”
Peals of laughter ring across the office from my other co-workers. I must have turned purple in my humiliation.
Really? Really? Yeah..
