Werewolf

So….

  • Went to happy hour and ate Carribean Jerk pizza with kiddo and grandma after work Friday.
  • Met up with friends for a microbrew benefit later that night.
  • Lost shirt at Young Buck’s Friday night (yeah, I was that girl).
  • Made Sangria Saturday morning.
  • Finally removed studded snow tires Saturday afternoon.
  • Got sunburned (damn Colorado).
  • Went to a birthday party, fell into a ditch, skinned knees and elbows Saturday night.
  • Fell asleep in front of a bonfire in wee hours of Sunday morning.
  • Woke up to frost on my sleeping bag (damn Colorado).
  • Couldn’t escape hippie nature and discovered shoes were missing Sunday morning.
  • De-funkified self on Sunday afternoon.
  • Made more Sangria.
  • Sat on porch gossiping with the girls until 7:30 pm. Vowed to go to bed by 9 pm. 
  • Watched slutty Dane Cook’s Isolated Incident on Comedy Central till midnight while texting Young Buck.
  • Realized I didn’t spend one night in my house all weekend.

So apparently having a 21-year-old FWB, makes me revert to 21-year-old behavior. Now I’m sitting in my cubicle, band-aids on my elbows, sunburn on my back, daughter in daycare. I feel like I was a werewolf for 48 hours, and now I’m back to my normal life.

Only with a dirty little secret.

Cuts

Meeting with Rooferman and his parents tonight. Not really the way I wanted to start my weekend, but at least it will be over with after this. I woke up feeling really good today, too.

Then I read that the state of Colorado may have to cut 1/3 of my employer’s jobs, or force the workers to take a 35% pay decrease. If it does come to that, I hope my fellow employees will be kind enough to decide on the latter so we all can keep our jobs. Unfortunately I have a feeling that this is going to bring out mad selfishness.

*sigh*

Have a good weekend?

Without her presence

I took a lot of naps this weekend. I stared at the wall for long periods of time too. I wrapped myself in a blanket and watched Netflix. I read Anne Lamott. I watched the Broncos. I drank tea. I took more naps. I also killed a bottle of wine by myself.

My grandparents came up from Arizona on Saturday, so of course they wanted to see LB. Grandma Ruby requested some time with her as well. Rooferman claimed his visitation on Sunday, so I spent a total of 5 hours with my daughter this weekend.

Did I down a bottle of wine because I was sad and missed LB? Because I had to opportunity to be hungover without a toddler in the vicinity? Because I have no life and it was the only thing I could think of? Because I was at a party? Because I’m beginning to realize that taking Rooferman to court has cut into the time I used to spend with my daughter? Because I’m selfish? Because I’m ragging?

I know the 19 hours a week LB spends with her dad isn’t a lot of time. But its 2 evenings and one full day more than what I’m used to. That’s almost half the free time I have to spend with my daughter.  I’m not a stay-at-home mom. I work 40 hours a week. I look forward to those 5 evenings and 2 full days. Thats really not a lot of time to begin with.

Its clear that I really need to get over this. Can you see the panic in this entry? The wave of “what the hell am I going to do with myself” coming on strong? The anger and regret starting to boil?  The courts are not going to like this “YOU’RE TAKING MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM ME” mom, even if that’s how I’m feeling. These thoughts will bring nothing but trouble.

I can be away from my daughter. I can get used to living without her presence 24/7, even if that has been my life up for the last 2 years. I can find other things to do with my free time, that doesn’t involve drinking, napping and staring at walls.

But it still hurts.

Sick in so many ways

Woke up with a screaming sore throat and runny nose. Tummy was acting all wierd too. Probably isn’t helping that I hopped aboard the monthly train to hormone town this morning. Popped some green tea, Pro-biotics, Emergen-C and one of those “created by a school teacher” pills, in hopes I would get myself into the Monday morning groove.

Didn’t happen.

Drove into town and dropped LB off at daycare, where she demanded “I want my Scott.”  Have you figured out who Scott is? Yeah, the new male teacher, who apparently is “hers” now.

Drove home. Passed out until noon. Got up, drove back into town for my Child Care Assistance appointment at Dept. of Human Services. Got denied. After filtering my monthly income through some equation, my co-pay would have been be more than “cost of care.” In layman’s terms: I currently pay $275 (the monthly tuition for Early Head start), and Colorado Child Care Assistance decided based on my income, I should be able to afford a $299 co-pay before they will help out.  Obviously, I’m telling the State of Colorado to shove it.

Nothing on the dockets today. No legal education to absorb. No word yet on the fee waiver.

Rooferman made an unexpected appearance this weekend. Showed up at his parent’s house while LB was having her sleepover there. He stayed the night, and when I called to check on my daughter in the morning, Grandma Ruby dropped the bomb that he had randomly showed up without calling. And whatdaya know, he wanted to see his daughter (since he was there already, oh how convenient!). I said as long as they didn’t leave the house, and Grandma Ruby was there…Christ I am still a spineless coward.

When I showed up to get her, Rooferman looked like complete and utter HELL. He looked like he hadn’t showered in a week. His hair had grown out in greasy clump, his eyes were red and watery. He looked like he had either been working non-stop for a week or had just come down from a 3-day meth binge. He’s always been a small guy, but this time he looked physically sick, like he hadn’t eaten in a while.

He made it clear to me that he didn’t show up to see LB. He was just there to crash. He thanked me for letting him see her, but said nothing about where he’d been the past 49 days, or what his plans were for the future. He just said he had to go somewhere for a meeting, and I left with a crying 2-year old.

I feel sick in so many ways today. I’m going back to bed.