Sick as a dog

I didn’t go to work today. Instead I got diagnosed with Strep Throat, and spent the day popping antibiotics and ibuprofen while cold sweating on the couch.

LB’s cough is still pretty rank, and last week, yours truly got suckered into entering her in a photo contest. Yes, we have an appointment with a real photographer tomorrow and I am NOT missing it because I already paid my measly 10 dollar entry fee. So Strep-Throat-Single-Mama will be dragging Croupy-Cough-Runny-Nose-Toddler to what should be a quite an fun interesting time.

At this point in my life, I can only resort to maniacal laughter.

Roofie called to say they had a death in the family last night, so they couldn’t pick up LB from daycare. Last week, I would have been sad and offered my condolences. This week, I’ve become too jaded to even be shocked. Perhaps news of a multiple pregnancy or a mission to Mars is next on their agenda.

Another random thing: I got a call from my egg donation agency, informing me that a third couple is interested in my DNA. Apparently, the doctor who did the retrieval this last time personally recommended me to another couple in his office.

As flattering and exciting as that may be, I feel a little taut right now. Like I’m ready to be shot into the outer stratosphere. Like my internal organs and emotional sanity could be shredded in a second. I really just need a moment to process everything, but my throat feels like its burning a hole in my neck, and I need to get to sleep.

A sick day really isn’t a sick day when you’re living your own Oxygen Reality Show. Did I just say that? Gag.

Nite all.

Boiling Over

Its day 2 of my new job and I’m exhausted. Last night I was sicker than a dog. I have no clue why. I think I really may have IBS or an ulcer or something, because these “episodes” are getting more frequent and have brought me to a whole new level of scary. I was sweaty and chilled last night. I went to bed wrapped in my hoodie, shaky as hell. My head hurt, I had shooting pains in my gut. I felt like I was reenacting the scene from Alien, waiting for a tiny green monster to come shooting out of my belly.

At about 2 am, I refused to consider calling in to work. I was GOING TO BE BETTER BY MORNING. LB climbed into bed with me at about 5 am, so I figured I might as well get up and see if I could maintain a lucid state. I got out my morning injections and held the needle over my belly for about 5 minutes. I thought about the evil gurgling pain underneath the skin, daring me to stick a pin in it. I thought about the soon-to-be mom in California, praying that her unknown single mom donor was following directions so she could finally get a positive pregnancy test.

3 weeks to go.

I weakly managed to scrape my windshield, get the toddler dressed and fed, pack her pajamas (per Blondie’s request), drink some green tea and get to daycare before passing out at the wheel. Upon entering the office, my new boss exclaimed “Yay! We didn’t drive you off after the first day.”

I nibbled on some toast at lunch, but I’m really thinking about going home after work and taking a nap while LB is at her dad’s. I turned in my 30-day notice and last month’s rent today. Now I wait for the federal lease-break guillotine to begin. 

Of course I had to use a stove/cooking analogy in my last post, and here’s our horoscope for today:

Moon joins with Aquarius so that can make today a HIGHLY EMOTIONAL DAY! Especially if it is about community or collective energy where you have to cooperate with a group. Uranus has stressful aspects so things can come flying out of seemingly no where. In fact, this situation has been boiling and stewing for quite a bit now. It just boils OVER the pot lip today. But, fess up, haven’t you been a bit annoyed for a while already?

‘Nuff said.

Single Moms on Planet Earth

Laying on the couch feeling sorry for yourself usually does not pave the way for groundbreaking realizations. However, laying on the couch watching Planet Earth on Netflix, makes for a single mom feel-good factory of hope and inspiration.

My good friends raved about Planet Earth because they, being good harmless Stoners, like to get ripped and watch the Discovery and Food Channels. Yeah, remember my obsession with Intervention (I can’t link to my post since I DELETED IT grrr)? Never once saw a weed smoker on there. Saw tons of Alcoholics, and guess what? Alcohol is legal!

Ok I’m really not going to get into the whole “legalize it” debate. I live in Colorado, its going to be on the ballot one day.

So upon rave reviews, I added Planet Earth to my Netflix, and since I was conveniently depressed/sick/ragging/at home yesterday, I proceeded to watch all 3 hours of disc one. Within 15 minutes, I was calling my Stoner friends, my sister the lesbian Geologist, ranting “Did you know that in Ethiopia…”

Uh, yeah we knew. We HAVE television. Uh yeah, I’ve BEEN to Ethiopia. Once again, this single mom is a year behind the rest of the entertainment world, and I used to be on the cutting edge, man!

Why was I ranting into my phone in maniacal menstrual madness? Because Planet Earth is all about single moms. Its about a single mama Snow Leopard, without any help, dragging a full grown Ibex up the Siberian cliffs in a raging blizzard to feed her cub. Its about a single mama Polar bear watching her cubs and simultaneously hunting for food. Its about single mama Panda Bear sitting alone in her den, nursing her cub, with no one to bring her something to eat. Its about survival, and the instinct to protect your child.

Obviously we are a highly developed species with the conveniences of modern human life. I can’t compare my pushing a shopping cart down the aisles of a grocery store to dragging a 300 lb goat up a cliff face with my teeth. But the intent is still the same: to ensure the survival of my child.

In a complicated, manufactured way, I follow a single mom’s guide to survival: I get up every morning. I wash, clothe and feed my child. I take her to a safe place while I hunt for a money. I use money to provide shelter, food and transportation. I repeat the process.

See? There is dignified, beautiful, natural honor in being a single mom.

Or maybe I have been thrown into full blown Hormonal Psychosis where I see myself as a Snow Leopard.

Sick in so many ways

Woke up with a screaming sore throat and runny nose. Tummy was acting all wierd too. Probably isn’t helping that I hopped aboard the monthly train to hormone town this morning. Popped some green tea, Pro-biotics, Emergen-C and one of those “created by a school teacher” pills, in hopes I would get myself into the Monday morning groove.

Didn’t happen.

Drove into town and dropped LB off at daycare, where she demanded “I want my Scott.”  Have you figured out who Scott is? Yeah, the new male teacher, who apparently is “hers” now.

Drove home. Passed out until noon. Got up, drove back into town for my Child Care Assistance appointment at Dept. of Human Services. Got denied. After filtering my monthly income through some equation, my co-pay would have been be more than “cost of care.” In layman’s terms: I currently pay $275 (the monthly tuition for Early Head start), and Colorado Child Care Assistance decided based on my income, I should be able to afford a $299 co-pay before they will help out.  Obviously, I’m telling the State of Colorado to shove it.

Nothing on the dockets today. No legal education to absorb. No word yet on the fee waiver.

Rooferman made an unexpected appearance this weekend. Showed up at his parent’s house while LB was having her sleepover there. He stayed the night, and when I called to check on my daughter in the morning, Grandma Ruby dropped the bomb that he had randomly showed up without calling. And whatdaya know, he wanted to see his daughter (since he was there already, oh how convenient!). I said as long as they didn’t leave the house, and Grandma Ruby was there…Christ I am still a spineless coward.

When I showed up to get her, Rooferman looked like complete and utter HELL. He looked like he hadn’t showered in a week. His hair had grown out in greasy clump, his eyes were red and watery. He looked like he had either been working non-stop for a week or had just come down from a 3-day meth binge. He’s always been a small guy, but this time he looked physically sick, like he hadn’t eaten in a while.

He made it clear to me that he didn’t show up to see LB. He was just there to crash. He thanked me for letting him see her, but said nothing about where he’d been the past 49 days, or what his plans were for the future. He just said he had to go somewhere for a meeting, and I left with a crying 2-year old.

I feel sick in so many ways today. I’m going back to bed.