Mutability

I went to bed at 9:30 last night, and woke up totally recharged. For some reason, these “tummy” episodes only last for about 24 hours, occurring every 4-6 weeks or so. I’m getting a little more concerned because they are getting closer together and are more intense. Time for another trip to the Primary Physician, eh? Too bad my new insurance doesn’t kick in for a month.

I’m rocking work today. I feel like I got my second wind. They threw me right into a really complicated, research-based project, with multiple institutions, and very little information to compare it to. How nice of them to test me on my 3rd day. It took me all morning to complete it, but damn did I feel good after I did. I really have to experience things, (mistakes, errors, setbacks, successes) to fully learn them. Reading the instructions only get you so far.

Going from deathlike to stoaked  in 24 hours is kind of normal for me. I chalk most of it up to Astrology (of course!). People think I’m strong, but I think its because I’m a mutable sign.

Here’s your astrology lesson today:

Each astrological sign is either Mutable, Fixed or Cardinal.

Mutable Signs:  Sagittarius, Virgo, Gemini, Pisces

Fixed Signs: Taurus, Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius

Cardinal Signs: Aries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn

Mutable signs are adaptable to new surroundings, and don’t have much trouble interacting with new people. They deal with change well, and are flexible and resourceful. They have lots of different interests, and may seem flaky and unpredictable. They change their minds a lot, and for the most part, are pretty laid back.

Fixed signs resist change. They like things the way they like them. They usually order the same thing off the menu (ok, this may just be Jiji and JL, my Leo friends). They get frustrated when things are unpredictable. They like order and accountability. They are stubborn and don’t like it when their feathers are ruffled. But they can always be counted on, and are completely faithful to loved ones. They provide stability.

Cardinal signs are signs of change itself. They are the spark of inspiration that get people motivated. They are ambitious and flexible, passionate and loving. Basically, the best of both worlds. Cardinal directions are the major points where everything else is based off. They are North, South, East and West. They are the Equinoxes and the Solstices. They get things started and they end things. They are deal makers and deal breakers.

Obviously, there’s more to your personality than how you deal with change, but sometimes I like to think about this aspect.

 Do you think any of these qualities describe you?

Boiling Over

Its day 2 of my new job and I’m exhausted. Last night I was sicker than a dog. I have no clue why. I think I really may have IBS or an ulcer or something, because these “episodes” are getting more frequent and have brought me to a whole new level of scary. I was sweaty and chilled last night. I went to bed wrapped in my hoodie, shaky as hell. My head hurt, I had shooting pains in my gut. I felt like I was reenacting the scene from Alien, waiting for a tiny green monster to come shooting out of my belly.

At about 2 am, I refused to consider calling in to work. I was GOING TO BE BETTER BY MORNING. LB climbed into bed with me at about 5 am, so I figured I might as well get up and see if I could maintain a lucid state. I got out my morning injections and held the needle over my belly for about 5 minutes. I thought about the evil gurgling pain underneath the skin, daring me to stick a pin in it. I thought about the soon-to-be mom in California, praying that her unknown single mom donor was following directions so she could finally get a positive pregnancy test.

3 weeks to go.

I weakly managed to scrape my windshield, get the toddler dressed and fed, pack her pajamas (per Blondie’s request), drink some green tea and get to daycare before passing out at the wheel. Upon entering the office, my new boss exclaimed “Yay! We didn’t drive you off after the first day.”

I nibbled on some toast at lunch, but I’m really thinking about going home after work and taking a nap while LB is at her dad’s. I turned in my 30-day notice and last month’s rent today. Now I wait for the federal lease-break guillotine to begin. 

Of course I had to use a stove/cooking analogy in my last post, and here’s our horoscope for today:

Moon joins with Aquarius so that can make today a HIGHLY EMOTIONAL DAY! Especially if it is about community or collective energy where you have to cooperate with a group. Uranus has stressful aspects so things can come flying out of seemingly no where. In fact, this situation has been boiling and stewing for quite a bit now. It just boils OVER the pot lip today. But, fess up, haven’t you been a bit annoyed for a while already?

‘Nuff said.

My “Stove” philosophy

Today begins the smiley face of bruises half-mooning my belly button. The first round of hormones must be injected into fatty tissue, and being of the post-gestational female species, I have plenty to spare in the c-section area.*FYI the number one incoming search for this blog still alternates between “c-section scar” and “camel toe.” Friggin Awesome. The medication also causes a not-so-smiley reaction with your skin, hence the bruising.

I’ve been in a state of brain jello this weekend. After emotional highs and lows this past week, I think my mental functioning shut down about midnight on Friday evening.  I was staring at the state of my kitchen: Gift bags from my former employer (so crazy to say that now), my “new job” survival kit from my former co-workers, Flowers from my former boss, goodbye cards, and of course all the junk I’ve accumulated on my desk over the past 20 months. Top that off with the boxes I stole from the mail room, the legal files I’ve been storing in my office, the egg donation paperwork I’ve been keeping there as well, and the pile of dirty dishes, it was slightly overwhelming.

Then I thought about packing all of it, and immediately ran upstairs to hide in my bedroom.

Saturday morning, after a night of restless, panicky sleep, I went into LB’s room with a garbage bag and started sorting. My daughter is 2.6 years old. I found pacifiers and rattles from her infancy, baby socks that couldn’t fit a doll. I found every gift, every card, and every piece of artwork she created stashed in pack-rat corners of her room. I was embarrassed.

It took me most of the morning, but I managed to pack 2 boxes of her baby toys, a garbage bag full of clothes, her princess potty and her baby gates into my car. We then dropped them off at the thrift store. Ahead of me, a woman in fur-lined boots was unloading a stereo from her Lexus SUV. This town, I swear.

LB and I continued cleaning/packing/playing the rest of the day, and by 9 pm, both of us were ready to hit the sack. After she went to bed, I looked around at the tiny bit of progress we made on starting  a new venue in our lives. Talk about cathartic bliss. I can now visualize how long this move is going to take us, I can see the contents of my life fit into a set number of boxes. The questions buzzing around my brain are being answered at a tortise-like pace, but at least they are being answered! I can see the bigger pictures slowly coming together.

I used to hide from conflict, trouble, and messy-situations. I used to snort my problems up in a cloud of white powder. I was so good at denial that sometimes I would lie to people and not even consider it anything other than the truth. Now that I’ve been forced to face up to my fears, I can’t even explain how beautiful it is to feel that sense of relief after it passes. When you are too afriad to deal with the moster you’ve created in your head, nothing ever passes. There is never any relief.

I’m glad I’ve matured enough to be able to look at my war-zone of a life, realize my mental and emotional limitations, and deal with things at a realistic pace.

When Rooferman and I were together, he would get so stressed out, he wouldn’t be able to function even on a physical level. He would lay in bed, unable to even move. I told him, life is like a stove: You have 4 burners, an oven and you have to cook Thanksgiving dinner. The less important things go to the back-burner. The most important things deserve your immediate attention, and are on the front burner. You just have to decide what the most important things are in your life, and go from there.

Of course, this never did anything for Rooferman, but it made myself feel better by creating this philosophy.

I think about all the pots I have on my stove right now. A new job, which is like making chicken cordon bleu based without a recipe. A new apartment, which is like making mashed potatoes from scratch for 15 people with no electric beater; pretty straightforward, but time consuming and very labor-intensive. An egg donation, which is like making toffee candy; delicate, with detailed instructions that cannot be deviated from, and can be ruined very easily. And an impending court date, which is like trying to bake a sponge cake at high altitude; numerous attempts, hours of exhausting recipe variations, calls to seasoned professionals, and waiting to see if your efforts have paid off after watching yet another collapsed cake emerge from the oven.

Whats on your stove right now?