3: you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.

LB in the grocery store:

(to a complete stranger)

LB
Hi! I getting this cereal. The other one is too expensive, but this one is good.
Stranger
(mildly amused)
Oh, that’s a good one, huh?
LB
Yes, it IS a good one. I’m putting it in the cart now.
Stranger
(starting to laugh a little bit)
Okay, you do that.
LB
What’s your name? My name is LB. That’s my mommy. Her name is Hanna.
Stranger
(waving to me)
Oh…Hi.
Me
(realizing child is still at the end of the cereal aisle, and coming to retrieve her)
Uh, hi.
Come on now, lets hurry and finish shopping so we can go home.
LB
(going to the dark side)
NOOOOOOO!
Stranger
(quickly exiting aisle)
Wow, she certainly is a friendly one, eh?
Me
(attempting to force howling child’s legs into the shopping cart seat)
She sure is…
 
LB
(screaming)
I want to drive the cart, NOT SIT IN IT!!! AHHHHH!!!

To the man selling wine:

Man
Well hi there, cutie.
LB
You’re old.

To the nice lesbian check-out girl:

LB
He’s a nice boy.

In the bathroom:

LB
(crawling under occupied stall)
I think there’s someone in here, let me see. Hi!
Continue reading “3: you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.”

Birthday interview with LB

I’m 27 today. I’ve  been out of high school 9 years, college 5 years. I’m just about 3 years into Mommyhood. I’ve had a mailing address in Colorado since 1996. I’ve lived on both East and West coasts.

I asked my co-workers if they remember anything in particular about their Twenty Seventh year. 3 of them got married when they were 27. Considering my golden year, 26 was pretty brutal (yet empowering), I wonder what this birthday has in store for me.

On a different note, I stole Jenn’s idea and interviewed LB last night.  Our daughters are about the same age, so I thought the results would be similar. Boy was I wrong.

  • What does Mommy always say to you?
  • I LOVE YOU!
  • What makes Mommy Happy?
  • *points to herself.
  • What makes Mommy Sad?
  • * points to me
  • What does Mommy do after you go to bed?
  • Take a Shower. We don’t take a bath. I want to take Bath with Mommy, then I get my Jammies on. Its Dark. Hey my rock! I’m banging  my rock, Mommy.
  • Where does Mommy go when you’re at daycare?
  • Go Home.
  • What does LB do at daycare?
  • Mariah hits me here. *Points to chest. Then she gets Timeout.

If you have a chance to interview a 2.5 year old, I highly recommend it, especially if they are a Gemini. Thanks for the inspiration Jenn, and I really liked your questions.

Back to it

First day back to work was exhausting. I didn’t stop answering the phone or filling out paperwork all day long. After a few hours though, you kind of get into your groove, like a runner at mile 11 in a marathon. Maybe I can track thisenjoyment back to my days as a pizza delivery girl, or waiting tables, where you somehow find your rhythm in all the chaos. Or maybe I can chalk it up to a sick sense of pleasure in escaping my hellish Christmas break; compared to dealing with Rooferman’s guerrilla tactics, a never-ending conference call is a slice of cherry pie.

Tomorrow is my interview. I’ve spent a few hours minutes rehearsing my pitch, flaunting my administrative accomplishments and humbly professing my desire for customer satisfaction. In screenwriting class, they called this “fluff”, and the less you had in your script, the better. I hated my Tarintino-wannabe peers so much, I played hooky a couple times to crash my gay roommate’s Public Relations class.

Afterward, I said to him,”you know you are majoring in the art of complete and utter Bullsh**?”

He looked at me and said, “Breeder.”

pixar cars
"Ka-chow"

Speaking of my brood, LB has started narrating stories that usually go something like this:

“Onceponatime der was a little gul named LB who loved Mommy berry much and ate chocolate dinner. I SCARED! GO AWAY MONSTER! I NO LIKE TO GO POTTY! And on that farm he had a dog…Kachow! Deeeee End.”

Friggin Geminis.

Lawyerdude and delight

Court was pretty uneventful yesterday. There were a total of 3 people in the room: Me, the judge and the lawyer who has taken me under his wing. Both the Petitioner and Respondent had to call into the courtroom, so there were two people on speakerphone the entire time. Very weird. If I were a judge, that would kind of piss me off, but this judge is very smart and good at his job.

*An interesting side note: This is also the judge who sent Rooferman to prison way back when.

The case was completely different than mine, and the hearing was only 15 minutes long, so I didn’t really learn much that would apply to my case. However, Lawyerdude showed me the layout of the court, where I would stand, how the judge would address me, and how I needed to present myself. GOOD STUFF, since I am basically going into this with no court experience whatsoever.

Hopefully, I can keep going back to the courthouse as much as possible. Luckily I can just walk over there from my office, check the docket and take my lunch break during one of the scheduled hearings. I’m still waiting to see if I qualify for the fee waiver, but Lawyerdude said he was doubtful that I would get it. *Sigh*

I have an appointment with Human Services on Monday to see if I can get child care assistance. With my rent going up, gas and food going up, pretty much everything going up, its become pretty clear I’m not going to be able to afford daycare without receiving child support. Keep your fingers crossed that I get approved.

LB’s sentences keep getting longer. Its shocking when “My computer broken, Mommy. Need go shopping and get batteries” comes out of her mouth. My simple baby-like responses no longer satisfy her. I have to give full-on explanations when she has a question about something. Its scary. I’m finding myself stumbling over answers. I’m not used to my toddler putting me on the spot, demanding more complicated verbiage. Now I’m the one trying to catch up.

Its scary, but at the same time, utterly awesome and completely thrilling. I don’t get to use the word “delightful” enough in life. Thank God I have my daughter 🙂

Why 4 Tens are worth it

Since LB is now a pro at climbing into my bed, I was greeted with a “wake up mommy” this morning at 7:30 am. Certainly beats the alarm going off at 5:30 am, unless the toddler turns on the alarm anyway after her attempts to wake you have failed.

Things I got to do today that I usually miss during normal working hours:

  • Went on a nice 2 hour hike.

  • Shared a smoothie with my daughter.
  • Went swimming at the hot springs.
  • Watched the rain fall outside my window. Smelled the rain.
  • Upgraded my phone to one that doesn’t have BBQ Sauce or peanut butter residue in it.
  • Made spaghetti sauce from scratch.
  • Checked out hot guys at the grocery store.
  • Hung out with my mom.
  • Got to hear people tell me how much my daughter looks like me.

 I really wish I was a stay at home mom on days like this. I even took a shower, did laundry and ran a load of dishes, all while my daughter was awake! My Ex used to call me a “hack” cause he always thought I sat at home picking my ass all day.

Too bad he never stuck around to see what I was capable of doing.