In the dark

I’m back. Its late. I have all the lights off. I really don’t want to be alone right now. I don’t wanna be a single mom right now. I really don’t wanna write too much because I know my mom reads my blog now and I don’t want her to worry.

There were 15 messages on my phone when I finally was able to turn it back on. I can’t bring myself to listen to them. I’m scared to. I heard the first few before I left and I can only imagine what type of rage message #15 will express.

Rooferman’s truck was pulling out of my driveway when I got home. Why? What was he doing at my house? Will he try to come back?  Will he bring the cops? Will he try to take LB?

All I know is that he considers the act of taking LB out of town for 5 days was a direct violation of his parenting time. Maybe he thinks since I just up and left without his permission that he has the right to take our daughter without my permission. I’m scared he’s gonna do something crazy and I will be left screaming in a frozen parking lot with empty hands.

I hate this. I hate its the weekend and I can’t talk to a lawyer. I hate that he knows where I live. I hate that we have no official document saying I have custody of our child (other than child support papers). I hate that we can’t even see the new judge till February. I hate that I’ve tried everything I can think of to make some sort of respectable relationship with the father of my child and I’ve failed. I hate that this man has managed to make me feel terrified, confused and powerless once again. I hate being afraid in my own home.

And of course, just when my life is at its most unstable….I meet a guy. My first single dad. A guy who’s coming over to sit with me in my dark house for a little while because I’m scared.

The waters of my life are never tepid.

Lawyerdude and delight

Court was pretty uneventful yesterday. There were a total of 3 people in the room: Me, the judge and the lawyer who has taken me under his wing. Both the Petitioner and Respondent had to call into the courtroom, so there were two people on speakerphone the entire time. Very weird. If I were a judge, that would kind of piss me off, but this judge is very smart and good at his job.

*An interesting side note: This is also the judge who sent Rooferman to prison way back when.

The case was completely different than mine, and the hearing was only 15 minutes long, so I didn’t really learn much that would apply to my case. However, Lawyerdude showed me the layout of the court, where I would stand, how the judge would address me, and how I needed to present myself. GOOD STUFF, since I am basically going into this with no court experience whatsoever.

Hopefully, I can keep going back to the courthouse as much as possible. Luckily I can just walk over there from my office, check the docket and take my lunch break during one of the scheduled hearings. I’m still waiting to see if I qualify for the fee waiver, but Lawyerdude said he was doubtful that I would get it. *Sigh*

I have an appointment with Human Services on Monday to see if I can get child care assistance. With my rent going up, gas and food going up, pretty much everything going up, its become pretty clear I’m not going to be able to afford daycare without receiving child support. Keep your fingers crossed that I get approved.

LB’s sentences keep getting longer. Its shocking when “My computer broken, Mommy. Need go shopping and get batteries” comes out of her mouth. My simple baby-like responses no longer satisfy her. I have to give full-on explanations when she has a question about something. Its scary. I’m finding myself stumbling over answers. I’m not used to my toddler putting me on the spot, demanding more complicated verbiage. Now I’m the one trying to catch up.

Its scary, but at the same time, utterly awesome and completely thrilling. I don’t get to use the word “delightful” enough in life. Thank God I have my daughter 🙂