The gullible Empath

I’ve written about this before (pre-Saturn Return, in 2009): I’m a Pisces, blah blah, we are sensitive and easily led astray. Now I’ve matured a bit- I’ll be 35 on Sunday..OMG! Is 35 too old to say “OMG”? Now that I’ve reached my ripe soon to-be-middle age, I know that this fish DOES have a backbone somewhere underneath those scales. We are survivors despite our sensitivities, and depending on the rest of our planetary blueprint, we can be tough as nails and driven to succeed (That’s my Capricorn Venus talking 😉 ).

But deep down we are Empaths. We feel those good good good good vibrations as well as the bad. I just got back from an astrology conference where all the meeting rooms were named after elements: fire, water, earth air and aether.. yes ETHER.

“According to ancient and medieval science, aether (Greek: ι៰θΎρ aithēr[1]), also spelled ĂŚther or ether, also called quintessence, is the material that fills the region of the universe above the terrestrial sphere.[2]”– Wikipedia.com

How appropriate, I thought, since half the time I feel like I’m floating through the ether, totally unnoticeable to the masses. Oddly enough, people kept bumping into me, tripping over me, or flat out looking through me when I waved to them throughout the conference. Am I invisible?? Maybe I’m just part of the Quintessence.. I like that.

As a child I was quiet, often overlooked, always waiting with wide-eyed expectation. I often felt pangs of inspiration, the urge to create, I cringed at harsh words, cried at sad songs, but mostly felt like I was some kind of human filter: constantly absorbing the world around me, whether I liked it or not.

I soon realized this sense of “openness” about me became known as “gullible” by my peers. I had no walls, no boundaries and very little ability to say no. In other words: easy prey in the childhood jungle. It was a game of coaxing and belittling, luring and humiliating, enticing and tricking, advancing and retreating, until I became so afraid to believe in anything, that I stopped doing it all together. I denied my basic instinct to be empathic at all. How could I continue, when everything was a trap?

In college, my worst grade was in was Public Speaking. I remember distinctly feeling an immediate distrust of my audience; an abhorrence to expose myself, as if I was already being judged before the words could even leave my mouth. Having felt invisible most my life, why would anyone listen to what I had to say? How could they truly hear me?

Where I once was a sponge, I now was a stone; ready to be thrown, lest I be thrown at first. This may seem against the empathic way, but truly I was only acting as others had acted towards me, so in away I was absorbing their way of life.In my eyes there was no middle ground. I could be me, or I could be them. I could be soft, vulnerable and foolish or tough, strong and smart.

After years of absorbing many characters around me, and leading numerous “lifestyles” where I took on any role that seemed most beneficial to the particular situation I was in (oddly enough usually someone else benefited ha!), I had a bit of an identity crisis (Hello Saturn Return) and was forced to drag my true self out of the rock it had been hiding in. on top of being a Pisces, I have a Stellium in Libra/6th house, which explains my desire towards “the other”: giving to another, serving another, or (in this case) being another person.

So how to be an Empath in a world that values resistance to sensitivity? Shutting yourself off to feelings doesn’t work. You still absorb them, except they’re shit-stained in judgment, bitterness and resentment. Anytime you don’t get to be your authentic self, your soul is saying What the fuck, man?!! Unfortunately you have to be yourself, even if the world is in direct conflict with that. You have to learn, love, work, and exist in a way that’s right for you. Even if the world punishes you for it. Even if people take advantage of your openness. Even if being an Empath is painful, it’s better than pretending you’re someone else. You cannot receive joy if you’re not yourself. That joy belongs to someone else- you can’t take credit for it. Any good things that happen to you while you’re fronting as the cool, tough, IDGAF non-Empath are meaningless if they can’t permeate your soul.

The world may not love you for who you are, but you still have to love yourself. And that includes setting boundaries, disconnecting, and caring for your mind, body and spirit when you feel overwhelmed with life. Protecting yourself doesn’t mean shutting down, judging or distrusting everyone around you. It means finding a balance of openness, where other people’s problems, emotions, experience and words don’t become your own. Be aware, be smart and be open to the world, and you’ll reap the benefits of every joyful gift you receive.

Happy Birthday to all my Pisces people! I hope you give your inner Empath a big piece of cake 😉

Birthday interview with LB

I’m 27 today. I’ve  been out of high school 9 years, college 5 years. I’m just about 3 years into Mommyhood. I’ve had a mailing address in Colorado since 1996. I’ve lived on both East and West coasts.

I asked my co-workers if they remember anything in particular about their Twenty Seventh year. 3 of them got married when they were 27. Considering my golden year, 26 was pretty brutal (yet empowering), I wonder what this birthday has in store for me.

On a different note, I stole Jenn’s idea and interviewed LB last night.  Our daughters are about the same age, so I thought the results would be similar. Boy was I wrong.

  • What does Mommy always say to you?
  • I LOVE YOU!
  • What makes Mommy Happy?
  • *points to herself.
  • What makes Mommy Sad?
  • * points to me
  • What does Mommy do after you go to bed?
  • Take a Shower. We don’t take a bath. I want to take Bath with Mommy, then I get my Jammies on. Its Dark. Hey my rock! I’m banging  my rock, Mommy.
  • Where does Mommy go when you’re at daycare?
  • Go Home.
  • What does LB do at daycare?
  • Mariah hits me here. *Points to chest. Then she gets Timeout.

If you have a chance to interview a 2.5 year old, I highly recommend it, especially if they are a Gemini. Thanks for the inspiration Jenn, and I really liked your questions.

Thursday = Friday

On top of everything else that’s going on. I started my 4-tens this week. Maybe this was a good thing, because the amount of work that is on my plate right now is almost too much for me to swallow. I keep telling myself that I’m going to see the actual surface of my desk by the end of each day, but no. Not so much. Even working 8 am – 6:30 pm, I still leave the office with files, faxes and interoffice mail stacked high. If I could add my emails on top of that mess, the result would be the leaning tower of administrative debris, threatening to destroy the sanity of the single mom below it.

I have fallen asleep twice this week, while sitting at my desk. I was jerked out of my erotic office dreams by the vile sound of the phone ringing. Have you noticed that office phones don’t actually ring anymore? Just like cell phone don’t actually ring. They play the soundtrack to your own personal reality show. Even the Boomer generation has figured out how to make their cell phones play “Shake your Groove thing” and “Layla.” My mom’s ring tone is tune by the Beatles, but I can’t remember which.

My ringtone? “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T…do you know what that means?” Word. 😀

I also have assigned “YAHHH TRICK” to certain peeps who…*ahem* shall remain nameless.

Today is the last 10-hour shift of my first week of summer hours. It has been rough on me, but surprisingly smooth in the pick-up department. I managed to coerce 4 different people into picking up Gemini Toddler from  daycare while I stare at the clock until 6:30. And its been great! Today my dad is picking her up, so who knows what mayhem may occur, but I’m pretty confident in his abilities.

LB also turns 2 this Sunday! And me, being the fabulous person I am (HA), WON A BIRTHDAY CAKE FROM BASKIN ROBBINS OFF OF THE RADIO TODAY! Yeah, that’s how we single moms roll, working 4-tens while simultaneously winning cakes for their kids. Don’t you wish you were like us? hehehe.

So I’m about to drink my 4th cup of coffee and dive into the 4th day of what is going to be another lonnnngg  10 hours. However, tomorrow is the beginning of my 3 day weekend, and MAN IS IT GONNA BE WORTH IT! So, here’s to Thursday being the new Friday! Cheer and I will see you this weekend!