BPS

Dear Blog,

 I’ve abandoned you. If there were a Blog Protective Services, they would have taken you away from me due to an extreme case of neglect.  You used to comfort me, when I was alone in a very dark place. You connected me with other single moms, who made me feel normal and whole again.  As pathetic as it sounds, I credit you for keeping me away from drugs, alcohol and another abusive relationship.

I would spill my guts to your screen and somehow  you would filter it out into something people appreciated. I’ve met real people through you. I have moved closer to those people, and remain connected to others who I have left behind. I suppose I owe it to them to keep writing.

I still stare at screens. All day in fact, and they pay me to do it. I wonder if my eyes will one day dry up like jellyfish on a beach from staring at screens too much.

Blog, you’ve been a good friend. I’ve confessed numerous things to you. When I felt like I had nowhere else to go, I came here. Not because I didn’t have friends or family to support me, but because sometimes you don’t want to see that look run across the face of someone you love. That look of pain, horror or disappointment.

The soap opera of my life makes better reading material than pillow talk.  9 times out of  10 I’m biting my tongue when I open my mouth, but not with you. My fingers are like flood gates. They run free and I don’t care who is reading what spills from them.

I went to court this week. Again. I’ve told you many stories of court, Dear blog, and hopefully this is the last one. I got up on the stand, all sweaty and scared and looked that small town judge in the eye and told him I had been taking care of my daughter since she was 9 months old and I wanted it to remain that way.  Roofie attempted to make their cases, saying that LB staying at home all day with them would be comparable to the Montessori school I have her enrolled in for the fall. The judge didn’t buy it.

The permanent order was as follows: child shall be with her mother during the school year, starting in Kindergarten and 9 weeks in the summers with the father. Until then, a 3 week/2 week arrangement shall take place with the larger amount of time spent with the mother. Father shall pay for the 3/4 the cost of Montessori school and shall continue to pay child support to the mother.

For the next year, the drive will continue to be exhausting, but in 2011, LB will be with me during the important part of the year. I got her in the best school I could and I can’t wait to see how she will do there.

I’m happy here, blog. I like my new town, job, life. I’ve met a boy. I’ve almost finished rewriting my screenplay. I have at least 2 more I want start.  And now that I don’t have the constant fear of losing custody looming over my head, I think I can be a whole person again. I think good things can come my way, because I’m opening up to them.

Thanks for being there for me.

Love,

Hanna