As expected, its been a rough couple of days. LB’s been testing me with everything she says. I know she’s just a kid and doesn’t mean these things. I know she’s just confused about the baby situation and where she stands in all of it. I know she loves me.
It’s still hard. Especially when the “Blondie is my real mommy” and
“I want to live at Daddy’s forever” statements are constant throughout the day. If I argue, she insists. If I ignore, she repeats it.
After 2 meltdowns at 2 different playgrounds, I really couldn’t deal with the world anymore. I just went home and sat on the couch while LB played in her room. I’ve also noticed that every time I start getting irritated or talking about punishments, she responds with “I love you, mommy.”
My mother has told me that I need to suck it up and deal with my own issues better because my daughter needs more from me right now. More? I can’t give any more of myself. I am only flesh and blood. I sit alone with my thoughts at night instead of crying on my partner’s shoulder. Talking to the wall is the extent of the spousal support I get!
People keep telling me I need to hold it together and not let my kid see how hurt I am right now. I don’t know if I agree with that. Will letting my daughter see I am upset ruin her faith in my role as the protector? If she sees me cry will she doubt my ability to make the right choice or be a leader?
If she is smart enough to use words to hurt me, then she is smart enough to know that her mommy isn’t a machine. Her mommy has feelings just like she does. She still trusts me to take care of her. Do I have to put a smile on my face in order to fulfill the successful mommy requirement? Because I’m failing right now.
Maybe I’m crashing down from the Friday high of getting a final interview at the school I want to work for, and going directly into the weekend from hell where I was de-mommied. Maybe I’m angry that I’m being told I need to do more. I feel like I give my full effort already.
Tonight there’s a Math & Science night at LB’s preschool. I made chilli for it. I should go. But I don’t know how to kill this sullen teenager inside me that wants to stand in the corner and scowl at the other parents. I’m the only single parent and I’m not going to be able to hide the bitterness tonight.
But I should go. Its what being a “good mommy” is all about, right?