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March 30, 2010

As expected, its been a rough couple of days. LB’s been testing me with everything she says. I know she’s just a kid and doesn’t mean these things. I know she’s just confused about the baby situation and where she stands in all of it. I know she loves me.

It’s still hard. Especially when the “Blondie is my real mommy” and
“I want to live at Daddy’s forever” statements are constant throughout the day. If I argue, she insists. If I ignore, she repeats it.

After 2 meltdowns at 2 different playgrounds, I really couldn’t deal with the world anymore. I just went home and sat on the couch while LB played in her room. I’ve also noticed that every time I start getting irritated or talking about punishments, she responds with “I love you, mommy.”

My mother has told me that I need to suck it up and deal with my own issues better because my daughter needs more from me right now. More? I can’t give any more of myself. I am only flesh and blood. I sit alone with my thoughts at night instead of crying on my partner’s shoulder. Talking to the wall is the extent of the spousal support I get! 

People keep telling me I need to hold it together and not let my kid see how hurt I am right now. I don’t know if I agree with that. Will letting my daughter see I am upset ruin her faith in my role as the protector? If she sees me cry will she doubt my ability to make the right choice or be a leader?

If she is smart enough to use words to hurt me, then she is smart enough to know that her mommy isn’t a machine. Her mommy has feelings just like she does. She still trusts me to take care of her. Do I have to put a smile on my face in order to fulfill the successful mommy requirement? Because I’m failing right now.

Maybe I’m crashing down from the Friday high of getting a final interview at the school I want to work for, and going directly into the weekend from hell where I was de-mommied. Maybe I’m angry that I’m being told I need to do more.  I feel like I give my full effort already.

Tonight there’s a Math & Science night at LB’s preschool. I made chilli for it. I should go. But I don’t know how to kill this sullen teenager inside me that wants to stand in the corner and scowl at the other parents. I’m the only single parent and I’m not going to be able to hide the bitterness tonight.

But I should go. Its what being a “good mommy” is all about, right?

5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 30, 2010 2:46 pm

    I don’t know, I believe that we do have to figure out how to separate our feelings of anger, loneliness, envy, even regarding the ex’s new families or lives or whatever it is that is sticking with us-because whether we like it or not, it is what it is. LB now has a half-sibling, other step-siblings, Roofie has a new wife. Good for him that he has the son he has always wanted-that certainly is no reflection on YOU. So yea, to that extent I agree with your mom (sorry).

    At the same time, I HATE it when people tell us that we have to hide how we feel from our kids; I totally disagree with that. Do we use them as emotional crutches? NO (which I don’t think you do). Do we be honest with them about how we feel? Of course; how else are they supposed to learn HOW to feel, to be true and genuine? You are doing hte best you can do, of that I have no doubt, and this? It sucks right now, but it isn’t going to last forever. Let yourself feel however you need to feel, then you will move on.

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  2. March 31, 2010 4:32 am

    Everybody has parenting advice to offer, and that’s all it is: advice. No one in this world know’s LB like you do. No one is this world knows YOU like you do. And only you can decide what works, for both of you. Only you can decide what is best for LB, what she needs, what she can handle. Only you know what is best for you, what you need and what you can handle.

    LB is a very smart little girl, but she doesn’t know that there’s any other option besides trusting you. She’s a kid, loving and trusting her mommy is just what she does, like breathing and eating, it just *is*, you’d have to mess things up MEGA big time, in inconceivably epic proportions, for that to ever change. Letting her see you grieve through completely normal emotions doesn’t even rate on that screw-up scale.

    Like Kori said, if you continue cramming these feelings down, denying them and working around them, instead of with them, you’ll never be rid of them.

    Chin up! Or down, if that’s what works right now😉

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  3. March 31, 2010 7:53 am

    I have to agree with Kori on both points.
    Single parenting is hard and none of us really ever know what we are doing. Do your best and love yourself and your daughter. That is all we really have.

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  4. March 31, 2010 9:25 am

    You’re doing fine. You’re going through something and you’ll get through it. If/when you are feeling stronger and LB starts doing the whole “I want to live with dad” thing, go ahead and let her play out the fantasy. “What do you think that would be like?” She may come to her own conclusion that it wouldn’t be ideal for her.

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  5. March 31, 2010 10:42 am

    I was in therapy recently and my therapist encouraged me to actually tell the kids “I have had a bad day I cant deal with the tantrum so lets….”

    I took his advise and now talk to the kids about how I am feeling (within reason) and how they feel and it seems to be starting to work!!

    Maybe try it with LB – say you are feeling tired can she try and be calm/behave?

    I dont know its hard my friend😦

    ((HUGS))

    Like

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