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Roofie Jr.

March 27, 2010

I’m warning you. It’s 11 pm and I’ve had a few glasses of wine. I’ve spent most of the day crying. What follows may be ridiculous and dramatic. Don’t worry, no one died.

In fact, the opposite happened.

About 10 am I get a call from Rooferman.

“Hi,” he says. “I was wondering if LB might be able to come over and meet her baby brother?

I’ve been expecting this moment, honestly, since he met Blondie. I can’t believe that was over 3 years ago. Ever since that day when he told me he was in love with someone else, I knew in the back of my mind this day was coming. Every time he told me she was at the doctor’s. Every time he said their families were getting together. Every time he said she “was feeling bad.”

Even after I no longer had feelings for him. Even after I had stopped wishing he would take me back for the sake of preserving our family. Even after my barely-3-year-old daughter came home one day and told me “Blondie has a baby in her tummy. She’s pregnant.”

In other words, I’ve had a lot of time to wrap my head around this. I think I’ve pulled it off with a revolting amount of nonchalance.

So….why am I so upset by it? Now that it’s here…

Maybe it was the joy I heard in his shaky voice. I haven’t heard that since our daughter was born. It was as if I had fallen off a bike as a child and all of a sudden tried to ride it again, 50 years later. It was so foreign, yet so familiar.

LB was jumping in excitement as she heard me talking to her father. “The baby is here! The baby is here!” She clapped, jumping up and down.

I didn’t want to do it. I tried to keep my sh** together, I swear. As spineless and simpering as I am, I wanted to be happy for my daughter’s daddy and her new half-brother, and of course, herself. I wanted to be like all the other moms who deal with this in their lives; stong, capable, steadfast.

But I couldn’t. As I saw the father of my child kneel down and look into her eyes, I choked. He got his son. Finally. He’d been wanting this since the Ultrasound Technician told both of us LB was a boy. Since all our relative had embroidered the name “Nathan” on LB’s clothes.  Probably since the day he found out I was pregnant. I had failed but Blondie had done it.

After Rooferman and LB had left, I sat in my car and cried for about 30 minutes.  Why? Why???

Because I don’t know if I believe in marriage anymore.

Because I don’t know if I will ever give my daughter a sibling.

Because Rooferman found someone so soon after, and I didn’t.

Because why would a little girl like LB want to live with her sad, lonely mother instead of a “normal” family where she gets to be a big sister?

Because….despite all that…I might like to have another baby one day.

Oh God I need to get away from all of this. Or maybe just get out of my head.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. March 28, 2010 5:25 am

    I hear you loud and clear. My ex and his gf had a baby 8 months after he and I split up. And when their baby was born, I cried on the floor of the shower, feeling exactly what you do: that they have a family, and what I have felt broken. I’m so sorry. All I can offer is what I have learned which is this: what they have isn’t perfect, and as time goes, you will see that more and more. You will start to feel more whole and what they have will seems less and less like anything better than what you have in your family with LB. But for now it hurts, and that’s to be expected. *hugs*

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  2. March 28, 2010 8:34 am

    *hugs* I can’t imagine what this must feel like. Only thing I can say is that you’ll absorb it and make it part of the wonderful, beautiful woman that is you. I mean, considering Blondie’s other 2 kids, Rooferman’s LB and the financial situation you’ve said they’re in, it doesn’t seem at all responsible of them to be having another baby—so despite their “normalcy” and their “happy little family” thing they’ve got going on, I have a lot more respect for you: your discipline, your generosity, and your maturity. Try to be happy for them, but be happier for yourself. *hugs, hugs*

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  3. March 28, 2010 9:36 am

    I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling – not the baby part – but the rest of it. My ex has been with Wifey since before he left me and our family. Sometimes I feel like Wifey hijacked my life and the ex didn’t blink an eye. He has everything he ever had, just with a different woman. He’s never been alone, never dated and 8 years later they are still together living the high life and I’m well…struggling. And much of it, thanks to them and their maliciousness. It doesn’t seem right that everything they have came at the expense of me and my kids so any “blessing” they receive is a bitter pill for me to swallow.

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  4. March 28, 2010 5:50 pm

    This is a really fucked-up, difficult thing to deal with and any way you choose to handle it is fine. Don’t beat yourself up over the way you’re feeling, PLEASE. I can’t imagine. It’s probably every single parent’s worst fear. I really don’t have any other words for you, and I’m sure the previous comments that I’ve yet to read through are full of all sorts of wisdom and weight that I can’t pull together for you. (((HUGS))), PH. You’ve made it through so much and you’ll continue to make your way and LB is lucky to have you as a mother. I promise.

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  5. Bad Mummy permalink
    March 28, 2010 8:25 pm

    What Elly said…you’ve clearly taken the better road. Responsibility and stability is what you can offer LB that their ‘happy’ family can’t.

    Whenever I start to feel envious about the happy families that I know, I’m quick to remind myself that just because I think they’re happy, doesn’t make it so.

    Giant, super hugs to you!

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  6. March 28, 2010 10:48 pm

    I don’t have anything profound to tell you but I think the way you’re reacting is perfectly normal and to be expected. Just know you are a wonderful mother and LB knows that. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Big hugs to you.

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  7. March 29, 2010 7:50 am

    I am sorry that you have to feel this way. I think anyone that cared about someone would feel this way. So feel it, then move on. Don’t beat yourself up! Your a good woman and will find your happy!

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  8. March 29, 2010 10:09 am

    I have no answers; it sucks. you will be okay. Breathe.

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  9. March 29, 2010 11:13 am

    I absolutely don’t think you’re being ridiculous. I totally get the heartbreak and feeling of loss. Totally understandable given the circumstances. You’re an amazing woman and you will get through this.

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  10. March 29, 2010 10:54 pm

    I would be the same way. No shame in it. And how many times have you told me that it’s my blog and I can be dramatic if I want to be?

    Heck, when my friends have babies I get all sad and mopey. I can’t imagine if it was my ex. I want another baby someday too… sometimes.. and then sometimes I don’t know.

    I also agree with other comments. Even though they have the little “family”, they have shown it isn’t an ideal situation and LB is going to see that the older she gets. I don’t for a minute believe she will see you as sad and lonely. She will see you for the strong independent woman you are.

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  11. March 30, 2010 12:54 pm

    Chick I get this totally!

    I remember feeling this when my ex found someone long before I did. I said I was happy for him but deep down there was resentment!

    I can spout the whole “he is out there” and “when the time is right” crap but you know it already.

    What I will tell you is that David teaches me a little more each day what it means to love and be loved!

    Keep believing!

    Like

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