I’m warning you. It’s 11 pm and I’ve had a few glasses of wine. I’ve spent most of the day crying. What follows may be ridiculous and dramatic. Don’t worry, no one died.
In fact, the opposite happened.
About 10 am I get a call from Rooferman.
“Hi,” he says. “I was wondering if LB might be able to come over and meet her baby brother?
I’ve been expecting this moment, honestly, since he met Blondie. I can’t believe that was over 3 years ago. Ever since that day when he told me he was in love with someone else, I knew in the back of my mind this day was coming. Every time he told me she was at the doctor’s. Every time he said their families were getting together. Every time he said she “was feeling bad.”
Even after I no longer had feelings for him. Even after I had stopped wishing he would take me back for the sake of preserving our family. Even after my barely-3-year-old daughter came home one day and told me “Blondie has a baby in her tummy. She’s pregnant.”
In other words, I’ve had a lot of time to wrap my head around this. I think I’ve pulled it off with a revolting amount of nonchalance.
So….why am I so upset by it? Now that it’s here…
Maybe it was the joy I heard in his shaky voice. I haven’t heard that since our daughter was born. It was as if I had fallen off a bike as a child and all of a sudden tried to ride it again, 50 years later. It was so foreign, yet so familiar.
LB was jumping in excitement as she heard me talking to her father. “The baby is here! The baby is here!” She clapped, jumping up and down.
I didn’t want to do it. I tried to keep my sh** together, I swear. As spineless and simpering as I am, I wanted to be happy for my daughter’s daddy and her new half-brother, and of course, herself. I wanted to be like all the other moms who deal with this in their lives; stong, capable, steadfast.
But I couldn’t. As I saw the father of my child kneel down and look into her eyes, I choked. He got his son. Finally. He’d been wanting this since the Ultrasound Technician told both of us LB was a boy. Since all our relative had embroidered the name “Nathan” on LB’s clothes. Probably since the day he found out I was pregnant. I had failed but Blondie had done it.
After Rooferman and LB had left, I sat in my car and cried for about 30 minutes. Why? Why???
Because I don’t know if I believe in marriage anymore.
Because I don’t know if I will ever give my daughter a sibling.
Because Rooferman found someone so soon after, and I didn’t.
Because why would a little girl like LB want to live with her sad, lonely mother instead of a “normal” family where she gets to be a big sister?
Because….despite all that…I might like to have another baby one day.
Oh God I need to get away from all of this. Or maybe just get out of my head.