In the last few weeks several people have told me they miss my blog and asked me why I don’t write anymore. I could say that I’ve been busy writing my screenplay, applying for jobs, but mostly I’ve been lazy and suffering from snow-induced depression.
and….I don’t think people want to read depressing blogs.
Here’s the update:
I had a birthday.
I had an Oscar Party.
I had a 5-day road trip, which included staying in a different city every night. My child was throughly sick of me dragging her across the front range by the end of it, but she did have fun considering the crazy schedule.
Driving through yet ANOTHER snow storm on the way home, I could feel tears in my eyes. I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t because I dreaded going back to work today, or because I wished I was in Denver instead. It felt more like I was 2 years old again, on the verge of a tantrum. The emotion was like a wave.
No clue why I felt that way. Nostalgia? Driving-induced insanity? Stress? Fear?
One of the main reasons for taking the trip was to interview for a job in Denver. The impending layoffs are getting closer, as emails have gone out offering employment-reduction incentives, and as much as people keep reassuring me that my job is safe, I don’t trust anyone right now. They are going to wait till the very last-minute to start firing people, and I don’t want to be there when it happens.
I lay in bed a few nights before my trip and couldn’t sleep. I started projecting what would happen if I was offered a job in Denver. How I would have to find preschool & housing in 30 days, not to mention the custody battle that was sure to come along with that. I’ve been thinking about this for 6 months, but the reality of meeting with a potential employer filled me with dread.
I texted Chivman that I was freaking out. I told him I didn’t think I could do it. Like a good friend, he told me to calm down and stop doubting myself. I would be fine. Eventually I was able to sleep.
During my interview, they told me I was the only applicant from outside of Denver, let alone one who lived over 300 miles away. They looked at me with half-curious, half-incredulous expectation. I felt like a lost puppy who had been dropped off by the side of the freeway. My small town JC Penny dress was in stark contrast to their well-pressed suits.
I didn’t know what to say when they asked me why I wanted this job. I took a deep breath and answered “Well, I’ve never failed at a job yet.”
Why did I say that? I totally jinxed myself. What kind of pompous crackhead from the sticks says ridiculous sh** like that?
Needless to say, I don’t think I’m going to get it.
My screenwriting workshop starts this Thursday. I fully intend on getting serious about it again. No dogging myself. No giving up during the rewrite. No crying over the keyboard late at night.
I think I can handle it. I think.