single mom

The rules of attraction

In our glory days, Gay Boyfriend and I used to adore the above movie. Mostly because we liked to get stoned on Percocet and watch other dysfunctional people party, have sex and generally act more obscene than we did. It made us seem normal.

If you haven’t seen the movie and you are over the age of 30, you probably won’t find any redeeming quality in it. Even at 27, I re-watched it and found some of it slightly disturbing and unnecessary. However, the truth in this film lies in its dark thesis: Finding the symbiance between who you are attracted to, and who is attracted to you is often a painful, confusing journey, which you are in no way in control of.

There was no easing back into work this week. Piles of paper, phone calls and emails bombarded my cubicle starting at 8 am, Monday morning. The momentary lull in the reality check was a request I received from a new employee in another department. Upon meeting this man, I was floored by his striking good looks.  He reminded me of this famous 50’s icon. Yes, THAT good of looks.

Halfway into our conversation, I could feel the blood pumping in my face. My cheeks were throbbing as we talked about where we went to college, what sports we liked, how long we had been in Colorado, where we were born. It was delightful. Then he dropped the “W” word.

“My wife and I actually …..”

*Sigh* The rest of the conversation was WAH WAH WAH to me. I just nodded and stared at his chiseled face, sparkling white teeth and killer smile, wondering if he had paired up with someone as equally beautiful.

 Maybe people this good-looking are naturally friendly. Maybe they know the reaction they are going to get from their audience and revel in the captivity? Maybe they pick out the desperately lonely, begging for attention sects of humanity and give them momentary hope, just for fun.

Later that night, I was sweating my way through the Nuggets game, and I got a phone call from an old friend who is in town for a week. in High School he had been consistent in asserting his romantic interest in the entirety of the female body, asking myself and most of my friends out on dates. Unfortunately, none of us responded the way he hoped.  Now, 10 years later, he was calling again, asking me out on a date.

Really? After 10 years? After I had said no many times before? Do I really have to say “Look, I’m not interested in you! STOP ASKING!” I also jumped to the bitter conclusion that he thought that now I’m a desperate single mom, maybe he had a chance, since I was damaged goods. After declining the date and hanging up, I went to my computer and miserably logged into eHarmony.

I’ve weeded through over 100 matches, and 3 have gotten to the last “communication” stage where you actually start emailing each other. Their ages? 37, 35 and 26.

Maybe I’m Ageist, but I can’t picture dating someone 10 years older than me. We are of different generations. We wouldn’t get the same jokes. We wouldn’t be able to share the experience of wearing candy necklaces in high school, or watching the stupid N*SYNC music videos. He would like Dave Mathews and Rush. I would like Aaliyah and Dido. He would think I was immature. He would have 10 years more life experience than me. I would feel stupid around him.

 Maybe I’m shallow, but those things mean something to me. Or maybe I’m just crazy.

On the FWB front, HS Sweetheart read my blog and texted me to ask if my girl parts were ok. I told him I was going back to the doctor, but I was giving my body a break while I tried to figure out what kind of relationship was best for me. He, being the awesome human being he is, told me he understood and good luck on my search.

Texting Chivman has become like clockwork. He’s constantly there, sending me updates on his life. I text him the score of the basketball games when he’s not by a TV, we ask how our days are going, how the holidays went. When LB says something hilarious and there’s no one around to share it, I text Chivman and he laughs digitally.

I have a relationship with my phone. I’m turned on by text messages. I’m attracted to Chivman even though I never see him. I know the feeling is mutual, but so is the understanding that we can’t be together. We have our own separate lives. We are very close friends, and I like that, even when our situation is making me ridiculously frustrated.

The rule of attraction is such a bitch.


16 thoughts on “The rules of attraction”

  1. I’m ageist, too. I’d really like to stay within 5 years of my age, if possible, but there are way too many old guys on online dating sites (“old” meaning over 30)


  2. Heh. I’ve been attracted to men older than me until the past few years. Both of my latest relationships were with guys I graduated high school with. The differences haven’t been that big of a deal, really.

    eHarmony. That one made me *sigh* too. I simply had NO LUCK dating online. Some do. I just didn’t.

    Tho… I did connect with Rascal via Facebook. Maybe there’s something to those old FB connections.

    And even though I’m in a relationship, I am still attracted to people that aren’t good for me. Maybe we can’t control that part – the attraction part. Its just a matter of controlling what we do with it.



  3. Both of my baby daddies were almost 9 years older than me and like April said…well, you read my blog. 😉

    My current man? Only 2 months older. And I LIKE IT! The superior attitude isn’t there but I’m not convinced that’s due to the age but rather the lack of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, among other things.

    Btw, I tried eHarmony long ago and found it was like everything else; a total crap-shoot. Good luck though!


  4. Maybe you are really limiting yourself by not even being open to changing these so called “rules” you set for yourself. Maybe, too, you should look at the guy from high school and instead of automatically condemning him for who he was ten years ago, give him a chance to show you who he is today; I doubt you are the same as you were back then. I don’t know-I just hear a lot of “let’s set myself up for failure” and that makes me sad. I can tell you right now that Steve? I would not have looked twice at him in high school, or ten years ago, nor would he have looked at me. Not in a million years-but here we are, going on year five. It hasn’t been what I thought “it” would be, there have been lots of really, really hard times, and I wouldn’t change it.


  5. Maybe when I’m 30 I’ll be less obsessed with age, but I really don’t want to wait that long to find someone. Maybe I’m just scared that an older man will have more experience messing with younger women and I won’t be able to spot that, or I will be more vulnerable to it.

    Someone my age is more of a level playing field.


  6. My ex is 11+ yrs older than I. He might as well be 15 for all the thought he’s put into life/health insurance and retirement savings and other grown-up stuff. He turned 42 last month and still doesn’t have good enough credit for a credit card.

    On the other hand, most guys my age (30) in my city (Toronto) are still child-less and too young for my taste. They look right past me when I’m strolling down the sidewalk hand-in-hand with The Mook. And, frankly, I couldn’t keep up with the life of the child-less, what with the disposable income and late nights that involve drinking rather than coaxing a kid back to sleep.

    Give me a guy who is a handful of years older than me, with some history and experience with marriage/LTR/kids. Who has had his fun – for the most part – and doesn’t think I’m crazy for wanting to spend Friday night on the couch with popcorn and a DVD but will still want to throw together an overnight bag and hit the road to see where we can find ourselves.



  7. There is nothing wrong being ageist. Oscar is exactly 10 years older than I am, and we still have a lot in common, but we have our differences too. I have always preferred those older than me though. As you know I dated around my age, and we both know how that worked out. I guess I am ageist as well. You know what you want, and you don’t have to change because of it. I know that you would not reject someone solely because of their age.

    You will find someone. You will figure everything out. You are not damaged goods, and good for you for telling R “no!” (Desperado playing in the background). Though I doubt that is why he asked, but I can see how you feel that way. Keep your head up. Miss you!


  8. Online dating never really worked for me either, but I think I just got bored with it. But good luck with it.

    I am the complete opposite where it comes to being ageist; I like the older guys; 10 – 15 years older than me, not 1-foot-in-the-grave old with the exception of Sean Connery of course


  9. My ex is 8 years older than me. It definitely caused problems. I’ve found that I’ve always dated guys that were older than me, usually by 2 years. It usually has worked because we sort of meet on the maturity level (sometimes…even though my ex was much older didn’t make him more mature)

    The rule of attraction sure is a bitch I can tell you that. I’m pretty frustrated myself. I step out of my little turtle shell and start feeling great about dating and then one little thing happens and I want to jump back in a hide where I know I’m comfortable. I wish dating and finding “the one” wasn’t so complicated and hard.

    Try to enjoy the search, no matter how frustrating and annoying it is. I’m trying to.

    Bad Mummy, I agree with what you said. Give me that guy and I’ll be a happy woman!


  10. Okay, I don’t know who you’re referring to from high school, or the feelings you have for/against him that contribute to your rejection, but I can tell this: you’re projecting your perception of yourself onto his interest in you. It turns my stomach that you think of yourself as damaged goods. Is it at all possible that this guy looks at you and sees what I see–a woman who is faced with an incredible amount of difficulty and challenge in her life, and faces it, alone, with grace and strength? That he is attracted to that? I mean… it’s the TEENS now (officially) and your single-mother status isn’t that uncommon. What’s uncommon about your status is that you’re not living on welfare in a trailer working at some flexible-schedule minimum-wage job while your kids bounce in and out of detention.

    It looks to me like you reject older guys because they’re too old for you (understandable, I think I would too, but 30 really isn’t THAT much older than you and it seems to me like you shouldn’t rule out 30-31), and you reject guys your own age because you think they’re desperate and are only hitting you up because they think you’re desperate too. Honestly. Stop projecting negative images of yourself/others out there and start trying to see things as they are, or better yet, as they SHOULD be… because otherwise you’re just gonna shoot yourself in the foot. If you look for the bad in people you will surely find it.

    Good luck, babe.


  11. I prefer slightly older but not more than 10 years. I don’t have energy for the dating game at the moment – least of all internet dating. I wish human life could be like animal sometimes – just look how easily Bambi and Thumper found their matches!


  12. I think I’m an ageist also. I have friends anywhere from five years younger than me to fifteen years older, but I don’t think I could date anyone more than five years older than me. And as strange as it is, I don’t think I could date anyone even a little bit younger than me. I feel older than most of the guys my age, so I look at guys younger than me – by even a year or two – as immature. I just keep narrowing my chances down. haha. Oh well.


  13. OMG my Hanna!!! I have left you without our girl nights for far to long. We must talk. You have to much time to let your mind wander. We will take care of that soon. I miss you 🙂


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