single mom

Emotional Vortex

Back from the beautiful, yet strange little tourist town of Sedona, AZ.  People of sorts flock to this place, half of them to golf, hike and get married under the red rocks, half of them to experience metaphysical bliss.  This area of the high desert is actually known for its location as a “vortex” of spiritual energy (totally NOT making this up)

You would think that my little Piscean soul would revel in the numerous crystal, new age, psychic and astrology shops that fill up this place, but oddly enough, I’ve had what I can only describe as an allergic reaction to Sedona.

This was my post from last year on this day. We had just returned from the Vortex of Sedona, and I had spent the entire trip sneezing and popping Benadryl. I was scared, stressed, miserable, and had NO clue what my future would look like. All I knew was my life consisted of threatening phone calls, court dates & stomach wrenching exchanges with Roofie.

I am happy to say that things in the custody world have reached a temporary state of peace. I don’t feel anxiety anymore. I can actually talk about Rooferman in a way that doesn’t involve a physical reaction. However, this year’s stay in Redrock land produced eerily similar results. I was a sneezing, eye-rubbing, tissue blowing mess for the entire time.

I know I’ve been sick. I know I could chalk it up to leftover girl issues from these last two weeks. Or I could let my hippie mind wander to the energy vortex that seems to keep affecting me every time I’m within city limits.

My mom, sister & lady friend (who is also a Scorpio, heh heh), myself and LB went on a hike to one of the “hot spots” of Sedona Vortexes. I sneezed and hacked my way to the top, along with a few Japanese, French and German tourists, hoping that maybe the energy would cure me of my freaky reaction.

No such luck. I continued to sneeze red dust every 30 seconds for the remainder of the trip. My eyes were watering. My nose was so raw, I felt rolling it into sushi. My skin resembled whitey rice paper.  Eff these BS Hippie Vortexes, I thought. I hate Sedona, and obviously it hates me.

We drove the 6 hours back to Colorado, and the further we got from hell hole Sedona, the better I felt. I stopped sneezing. My eyes didn’t need to be squeegeed every 2 seconds. My nose attempted to resurrect itself from the dead. My symptoms haven’t disappeared, but I predict I will feel twice as good tomorrow morning.

Maybe I’m allergic to Cactus. Maybe I caught a 3 day cold. Or maybe instead of “curing” me, this Vortex energy simply triggered a physical reaction to the emotional shitstorm that’s going on inside me. Last year it was anxiety, stress and fear. This year its the sadness and guilt and deflation I felt after my doctor’s visit. The hopelessness and loneliness I was feeling about ever finding someone.

I know all of you who told me from the start that this FWB wasn’t a good idea are saying “no shit Sherlock”, but I think I needed to go through this process to figure out what I need, and want for myself. Sad, since I have so many wise friends who are constantly giving me good advice. Sad, considering I need to literally have my girl parts screaming at me to stop, and something as ludicrous as a “Vortex” violently tweaking my sinuses to get the hint already.

But maybe that’s just me. Maybe I just have to feel it to believe it.

That’s the most sense I can make right now.

The man who falls for me….is getting in wayyy over his head.


11 thoughts on “Emotional Vortex”

  1. How weird about Sedona? It could be your body reacting to all the emotional energy. Very interesting…

    And no, not surprised at all that you had to “feel it to believe it” about FWB or anything. We only *know* something when we *experience* it. This is why you shouldn’t regret anything. You’re only working with what you *knew* at the time. Now, you know differently.

    Be easy on yourself, Hanna.

    Wishing you all the best in 2010.


  2. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone has to go through certain things, good or bad, before they learn what they need to. None of us are perfect and sometimes it’s the only way to learn what you need to. I’m glad you’re feeling better.

    As far as AZ is concerned, I was sick when I went there too. My allergies were in overdrive and I caught a nasty cold/flu bug. Seriously that state hates me too!

    Many hugs! Luv ya!


  3. I totally agree that some things, we just have to find out for ourselves. And you’ll HATE that when LB starts having to do it for herself, too. Trust me on this one!
    Wishing you many, many good things in the New Year, and I’m so happy to see you acknowledge how far you’ve come in this past one. Lots of love to you.


  4. It doesn’t matter ultimately what anyone else said-we can only give you our thoughts from where we are in a particular time and space, but you have to go through and choose whatever you need to in order to figure it out. It sucks, but there you go.

    Sending you hugs; you have come so much farther than you know.


  5. I’ll chime in with everyone else and agree that you have to figure things out for yourself, no matter what other people think they know.

    I hope you have a wonderful New Year’s Eve.


  6. that sounds just aweful! Sneezing is bad enough every now and again, but sneezing continuously will drive me insane. Hope you are feeling better by now


  7. So, I lived in Cali for the last 4 years and before that, Arizona. (I am one of those who got married under the Red Rocks, at Tlaquepaque actually.. it was our first weekend away when we met so it made sense).

    Anyhow, since i left Arizona.. coming back is always dangerous to my health! I just moved back here.. and have spent the entire two weeks back in a cold-sinus-infection induced haze.

    Were you to ever move here, most likely your body would acclimate to the different plants and dirt and atmosphere. BUT I gotta say, it makes for a crappy visit! lol


  8. Sweetie I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I wish I were there to give you a big hug.

    I wanted to add to what everyone else is saying. The nurse was wrong in judging you, that is not her job. Nobody should tell you what you are doing is wrong, unless it is impacting them directly. Your body is what you should listen to. Our bodies tell us all the time when they are tired, or need food. They are smart. Do not feel bad about what you have done. Your body has just said, “Enough is enough.” Listen to your body, but do not feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong.

    We all go through life trying to figure out what path to take, you are no different. We want different things throughout our life, so while you may have been happy with the arrangement before, that does not have to last.

    The only part of your entry I have a problem with is your last sentence. The man that falls for you will be blessed in every way, not in wayyy over his head. He will find that not only are you gorgeous with a great sense of humor, but very intelligent and thoughtful. You are selfless but still stand up for what you want and believe.

    I know 2010 is going to be an awesome year. I don’t know if I have told you this, but I can tell the future. Really. You are going to love this year.

    Love you and miss you!


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