single mom

Crushed

I woke up yesterday morning and realized LB wouldn’t be there to open the advent calendar with me.  Due to family issues, Roofie has cancelled the last 2 weekends, so I have been with my daughter non-stop for 20 days straight.  I printed someone’s version of the Christmas story off the internet and cut into 25 pieces.  We’ve been reading bits of it every morning. I didn’t realize how much I had enjoyed it until yesterday’s silence.

I knew Christmas was going to be hard this year. It’s the first time I haven’t had my child with me. I try to tell myself its only fair, and that she will have fun with her dad, and eventually get her own Christmas with my side of the family, but I was hurting for sure.

I’ve also been sick. Baffled doctors ran urine and blood tests on me, trying to decipher the reason for my stomach pain, nausea and vomiting. I gave myself a home pregnancy test. They wondered if I had appendicitis. Upon further examination, the nurse asked me for my sexual history and frowned at my timid explanation of the situation I had found such empowerment through.

My body was telling me something different. It didn’t like my convenient solution to sexual satisfaction as a single mother. The nurse didn’t like what she saw either, and scheduled me for a colposcopy. She gave me some medication to get my pH levels back on track, and with a shake of her head, sent me on my slutty, irresponsible way.

I went to the office on Monday and stared at the stack of work I had missed, emails to be answered, messages to be checked, projects to be finished. An angry woman screamed into my ear, asking what was wrong with me and why couldn’t I figure out my own job?

I felt like telling her, Lady, I can’t even figure out my own life, how can I focus on my job right now?

I walked around the deserted parking lot at lunch, kicking the snow like a pouty 3rd grader, and letting the tears fog up my protective shades. I really thought I had found the key to my happiness as a single mom, where I had control over my time, my relationships, my sexual needs, my work, my kid.

Obviously not. My girly parts hate me. I’m still lonely. I’m still unsatisfied. I’m still wishing I had something more than just a casual orgasm once and a while. It made sense in theory, but in reality, my body is telling me I can’t do it anymore. But I don’t know what the answer is.

Should I run out and find the next reliable, responsible, sexually conservative guy and marry him because I’m afraid of getting AIDs, or Cancer, or HPV? Its seems like the wrong reason to be with someone, even if biologically it makes perfect sense.

Plus I don’t know if I WANT to get married. It doesn’t work for everyone. I no longer can define a normal relationship. I don’t even think monogamy is successful in most cases. Don’t married people go out and find other partners?

But having 2 Friends With Benefits isn’t working for me anymore. It’s not worth it if I’m getting sick.

I’m totally crushed and sad and I hate Christmas.

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10 thoughts on “Crushed”

  1. For what it is worth-and god knows how little THAT is-if you feel uncomfortable trying to explain the situation to people in your life, it probably isn’t a good idea. I don’t know what the answer is for you; I don’t pretend to have any answers, because what works for me isn’t what is going to work for you or anyone else. What I will say with a fair amount of certainty is that if you keep your heart, mind, and options open, eventually you will know what shape you want your life to take-and will also know when it is time to change your mind. And just because it isn’t working out for you now doesn’t mean the situation with the FWB’s wasn’t right for you then, if that makes sense? That said, I hope that you start feeling better very soon; Christmas is hard enough even when you aren’t ill.

    I send you hugs and heartfelt hopes for a good, full,happy new year, and I hope that every good thing you want comes your way.

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  2. *hugs* Oh honey. First of all, I say shame on the nurse for making you feel bad. She has NO RIGHT to judge your lifestyle. None. You don’t even know if your sexual situation is what has been making you sick yet. Friends with benefits may very well NOT be the solution you thought it was, but it’s your life, and no stranger has the right to make you feel bad about it.
    I’m sorry you don’t have L.B. for Christmas; I can’t even imagine how rough that must be. *more hugs*

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  3. This sounds SOOOO very familiar to me. I wrote post after post like this after my breakup with Soldier. His idea of a sexual relationship challenged me in ways that I knew, with absolute certainty, I would never find again. I wondered if I could ever be in a normal regular relationship again. I wondered if I could ever be sexually satisfied with one person, let alone with one gender.

    I wandered through that for a while Hanna.

    Looking back on it, I’m glad I went through it. I learned quite a bit about myself. And it allowed me to be honest and up front with the man I am with now. I challenged him…. and he stuck around. That spoke volumes to me.

    Big hugs. You’ll find your way. Feel whatever you need to feel.

    Hope your days get merrier.

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  4. My girly parts hate me too. One night of sex and all the sudden I am freaking petri dish. Irritation, weird itches, discharge, etc. Do I have a UTI, BV or some horrible STD. I’ve been in there twice since my divorce and said to the nurse. “That’s it – the sex isn’t worth it!” (I’ve been in there more than a dozen times- but only twice have I declared this bold statement)

    I don’t have one darn piece of advice cause I’m in the same boat. I wish I was as brave as you to mention it in my blog.

    And what doesn’t help is that I’ve been in there for all that crap as a married woman and it is like “Oh sweetie, we’ll get this cleared right up”. But go in there now and they stamp an scarlet H on my chest for hussy and caution me about promiscuity. I want to scream – “I didn’t leave my husband! He left me! And on top of this you are juding me for not abstaining from sex?????”

    I can tell you that something that has helped has been taking folic acid and a really good acidolphilus (there is a specific strain that apparently is found down below).

    best wishes to you in the new year. I know kind of what you’re going through. It sucks – no other way about it.

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    1. Thanks for your comments. I felt judged by the nurse, because even though I’m not married, I’m also not running out and having one night stands with strangers I met at the bar. When she asked me if I was married, I felt like she was placing me in a category where I was making an irresponsible choice for being single. As if Married women’s girly bits don’t have reactions to sex, as if their plumbing is somehow gold-plated, and ours is a frightening world of unexplainable bacteria.

      Unfortunately, ANY woman’s reproductive organs can bounce off the walls for no reason other than wearing thong underwear or hanging out in her gym clothes for too long. Our female parts are complicated and TOUCHY! Most of the misery I felt about myself was guilt-based, and I am sick of blaming myself. I was also deflated…and now I’m writing another blog post..ugh..

      Just wanted to say thanks, I feel less alone.

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  5. My kids were also with their dad this year – first time since I left nearly 4 years ago! I couldnt deal so ran to Cape Town to be with my boyfriend. The thought of being without them and him was just too much for me (said with MUCH Aries drama)

    As for the rest. Friends with benefits are cool but they do get old after a while and you do need more. Maybe your body was trying to tell you but you wouldnt listen so it had to get serious!

    Hugs chick! I love you lots! You will be ok!

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  6. Sorry your Christmas didn’t go the way you wanted.

    As for the nurse, shame on her! She should never say or do anything to make you feel bad for your choices.

    Hope you’re feeling better, emotionally and physically.

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  7. I haven’t been reading lately (I will admit to being a little lost in my own drama)… but when I read this I almost cried. Okay I did cry.

    There is so much I long to say but everything I type just comes out preachy… and since I cannot just sit and hold your hand in silence via a comment… you’ll have to just pretend.

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