single mom

The terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad weekend

The Nuggets lost 2 nights in a row. So much for cheering me up.

Saturday morning began with LB asking when her daddy was going to pick her up. I told her he and Blondie were busy this weekend but she would get to see him next  Friday. 

 She then proceeded to sit in her room all morning and brush her My Little Pony’s hair. Couldn’t convince her to get dressed. Couldn’t convince her to eat breakfast. Every time I asked her to do something she replied with “I will in a second.” Then she ignored my request. She dumped her entire box of 96 crayons out and strategically placed them through out the living room. I will probably find crayons in random places for the next year and a half.

Sunday began the same way, with “Is daddy picking me up today?”

In the last week, Miss Independent has been replaced with “I can’t do it.” While getting dressed, she intentionally kicks off her pants right before she pulls them up, screaming in frustration. She puts both feet in one pant leg and cries. She throws herself on the floor and bemoans her failure.

I don’t know if I’m noticing these things just because her teachers pointed out some behavioral issues during her PT conference, or if they’ve always been there and being a Pisces, I’m an expert at denial.

I’ve been so caught up with my Scorpio infatuation, its easy for me to extend the rose-colored vision to every part of my life, including my daughter’s. Maybe I should wake the F*** up already and focus on being a better mother. My kid is hurting. She’s confused. She’s angry. I need to help her deal with it.

At the same time, the Scorpios aren’t my boyfriends.  I can’t lean on them when I go through rough times. They aren’t there to help ME deal with MY anger, & confusion. When I turn to Chivman for comfort, its my own fault when I don’t get that. He’s my part-time lover and my full-time friend, nothing more. It’s not his job to pat me on the back and tell me everything is ok. When I start to expect that, I get myself hurt. 

I managed to get LB out the door by Sunday afternoon and take her to the park. I sat by the river, while my kiddo threw pebbles into the water. I ran my fingers over the warm stones and suddenly gripped one, chucking it as hard as I could into the river. It made a satisfying PLUNK, and I threw another, larger one.

LB began to mimic my actions, even the angry little grunts I was emitting after I released the stone into the air. She got to the point where she was lifting boulders, carrying them to the edge and soaking herself as she let them hit the water. I was so caught up in my cathartic stone throwing that I didn’t realize that maybe it wasn’t a good idea for her to her to see me deal with my own anger by violently flinging rocks.

Later that night, I sat in front of my computer, trying to force myself to write more on my screenplay. I managed to get one page out before I gave up and went to bed, trying not to think about Chivman’s touch and how much I wanted it right then.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to blend “single” and “motherhood” together. I’m still trying to morph into a hot, young thing every other weekend, and come monday morning, assume the Mommy position. I put my single face on then wash it off. Why can’t I just be a Mom AND single at the same time? What is wrong with me?

I can’t seem to kill this “YOU MUST CHOOSE” stigma that’s in my brain. It’s either a man or a child who deserves my attention. For some reason I’m convinced I can’t focus on both without taking away from the other.

I don’t know how to get over that.

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11 thoughts on “The terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad weekend”

  1. I just emailed you my phone #. Next time you need a friend, call me. I won’t advise unless you want me to. I’ll just listen.
    I’ve been at this for 6 years now. There are still times when I feel like I can do nothing right. I email Kori, I talk to my friends, and I get through it. Until the next time.
    I love you.

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  2. Ugh. I know exactly how you feel. I always feel like I am neglecting my own kids when I am in a relationship, and when it ends, my kids seem like these little people that I don’t recognize. Then I wonder how I could have missed all these changes, then vow to stay single because I am obviously to inept to handle both things at once. And when it comes down to it, what is more important? My kids or a relationship? I also cannot find the balance. I wonder if a FWB is a better option but truly believe that I would be selling myself short. I deserve way better than that. Of course I can always hide behind the “This is all I can handle and all I have time for and all the effort I can give”, but that is not true at all. It is fear, that there is not a guy that is willing to take on a single mom, that I cannot trust him because look what happened last time, that even if he wants me, he wants nothing to do with the kids. It is easier to pretend that a FWB would be the best option but really I am just ridiculing myself. I am good enough to sleep with when its convenient, but not good enough to have emotional support?

    I can go on and on and on but I will stop. I am with April. If you need someone else to talk to, you an have my # too.

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  3. Wow, amazing how when you finally see something you’ve been feeling put into words by someone else going through it, that you wonder why you didn’t see it before. “I’m still trying to morph into a hot, young thing every other weekend, and come monday morning, assume the Mommy position. I put my single face on then wash it off. Why can’t I just be a Mom AND single at the same time? What is wrong with me?” EXACTLY!!! For the record, I have no idea what the answer to this is, but I have to believe that there is nothing wrong with us. Maybe we have what we are supposed to have right now? Maybe, at points in our lives and our small children’s that keeping the ‘single’ and the ‘mommy’ separate is best for them? I could come up with a million reasons to justify what goin-crazy said, about this is all I have time for right now. If you come up with the answer, please, let us all in on the magic solution!

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  4. “It’s either a man or a child who deserves my attention. For some reason I’m convinced I can’t focus on both without taking away from the other.

    I don’t know how to get over that.”

    I think if you focus on YOU more the rest will fall into place. Easier said than done, I know. But give it a shot.

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  5. I wrote about this last year… how the term “single mom” is such an oxymoron. I so get this.

    And I agree with Mindy. You have to be happy in order to offer that ‘wholeness’ to your child or a man.

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  6. Really, truly, and positively – you will get past this part of the process and it will all be fine!

    Until then…:) Talk to your friends, give yourself permission to be disappointed, and be so grateful that LB is emotionally healthy enough to give you clues on how she is dealing with events in her life.

    You are a good mommy.

    ;)t

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  7. It’s a little funny to me how you went from “happily single, don’t want a boyfriend” to this state of mind so seemingly quickly. My guess would be: everyone, but especially women, change all the time. You’re feeling these feelings now; if your situation doesn’t change, soon enough you’ll be feeling happily single again. I know that it sounds like I’m belittling your feelings, and I know that they’re all-consuming right now, but I do believe that “it’s just a phase.” Of course, I also deeply hope that you find whatever makes you happy in the long run. I does sound like FWP-relationships are starting to be less than satisfactory and more than painful and confusing; now is the time to back that off, return it to “just friends” until, at least, you can get your headspace back. Everyone said that FWP would be complicated, and now it’s proving true–so you will have to deal with the current reality of that situation, no matter what reality you prefer. *hugs* I’m really sorry if all that came out wrong, I’m in a terrible mood today. Good luck!

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  8. Of course we all go into something knowing what it is but that still doesn’t stop us from wanting or hoping to have more. I could never get on the same wavelength with a guy. When he’s feeling one way I’m not and vice versa.

    As for throwing the rocks I think that’s better than just out and out screaming in front of or at LB (which I tend to do when I get angry.)

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  9. I understand this completely. I’m there too. I am also a pisces. I waver from loving my fwb (I have two also) to thinking even though they are such good friends i need to just forget it all and focus on being a mom. There must be a way to emotionally morph it all into one awesome hunk of awesomeness and just be who we are and love who we love and fuck who we fuck and be great moms and wicked women all at the same time.

    We’ll get there. I’m glad you write. Peer support is good.

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  10. Oh my friend! I think this is the first time I have seen this issue addressed in a blog!

    I battled (and still do) with this. In my wild going out years just after I left my ex I literally became two people. One when I didnt have the kids and one when I did. It was exhausting. Eventually I threw out the “sexy chick” face and was a mommy and figured you like me or you dont and then met Plane Boy.

    NOW I battle with being a girlfriend and being a mother 🙂

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