Sleepless

I haven’t been sleeping well. I hate my huge empty bed. I hate that I’m curled into a single corner every night, pressed up against pillows in the fetal position, my back against the wall.

I’ve started to realize there’s never going to be a permanent male fixture in my bed. I should sell this Queen and go back to my childhood Twin.

 I stare at the ceiling every night, my mind playing tricks on me. Sometimes I swear I hear someone walking through the house, doors opening, walls thumping. I know the weather is getting colder and I’m just getting readjusted to my noisy heater, and the creaky response of this house, but I haven’t been able to shake it lately.

I feel alone, and not in the good way I used to rave about.  I feel isolated.  I feel cold. I feel scared. I feel weak. And I fucking KNEW this would happen when I started bringing men back into my life.

Why the hell did I do it?

I can’t sleep anymore. I cry at night. I’ve stopped blogging (as you can see). I haven’t worked on my screenplay. I look at my Wii Fit and I can’t find the motivation to climb onto the balance board. I get home from work, put my pajamas on, make dinner for LB, and go through the bedtime routine.

After she’s asleep, I sit on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. Sometimes I drink tea. Sometimes I read. Mostly I just stare at the TV until I force myself to go lay down. Do I sleep once I’m in bed? No.

Work has been getting consistently worse. The impending doom of everyone’s job is obviously chiseling away at the office’s morale. Ironically, more job duties have been passed my way. More responsibilities, bigger workload, more cross-training, more requests, more projects…you get the picture. I’m busy all day, chatting with Chivman and Facebooking is the only reprieve I get. I know social networking on the clock is a big “No No”, but honestly, in the face of massive layoffs, no one gives a shit anymore.

I need an attitude adjustment NOW. I find myself saying f***ed up things like “This is where that imaginary husband would come in handy” MORE and MORE often. I don’t like that longing in my life. What happened to my complete satisfaction with self-sufficiency? Did I forget that I’ve been taking care of myself AND my daughter for the last 3 years? Why am I whining?

Maybe I’m just going through that 10% of the time I don’t like being alone, and praying it doesn’t get to be 20%. I don’t have the energy to pine away the rest of my life. And oh how the Damsel in Distress Pisces would love that.

In an attempt to ward this off, I’ve been playing this song over and over. I may be crazy, but dance music is kinda like my non-narcotic antidepressant.

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13 thoughts on “Sleepless

  1. Oh, honey, I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now. I think you need to schedule yourself a breakdown – let it all out, sob to your heart’s content. And start spreading out on that bed of yours!

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  2. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You’re probably right, it’s probably that you’re in that 10% of the time that you feel lonely, but it feels like forever when you’re going through it. I do the same thing sometimes. Hope you feel better soon.

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  3. Sorry to hear you’re ahving a rough time. I get it though. Since I’ve been single for almost 8 years now (gasp)I have gone through many different phases of singlehood and one of them is very similar to what you describe. Now though? I have a hard time imagining living with a man at all. There have been men who have shared my bed in 8 years but none who I wanted around on a full time basis. And thank God my standards are higher than they once were!

    Hugs!

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  4. Part of the process, Hanna. You are still strong and still able to survive but you have thoughts to think and broken hearts to mourn.

    This will pass and you’ll be back to your old self again. Allow it.

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  5. Have to agree with T! Part of the process!

    I am going through it with a friend of mine now and its heartbreaking cos I know the intensity of the emotion and I wish I could make her (and you) not have to go through it but learn the lesson!

    Be strong my friend – focus on the good!

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  6. I just posted on how I can’t feel this way. Honestly girl, I think your living a much healthier life by feeling this way. As stated above, it is part of the process and I wish I could go through it.

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  7. The beginning of this post made me think of a Death Cab for Cutie song Your new twin sized bed.

    I hear you about a lot of the feelings. I could have written this post! But like T said, it is the process. Let yourself go through it. I’ve been telling myself that about the things I am going through at the moment. Just to stay present and allow myself to feel the way I am feeling.

    Hang in there, and as always, I’m here for ya.

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  8. I hear you. I’m feeling this way too. So much so that I picked up the phone yesterday and asked my mum to drive 2 1/2 hours to come stay with me and The Mook for a wee bit. I need someone else to do the endless dishes for a change. To try and get some veggies into The Mook. To appreciate the food I make when I’m not cooking only what The Mook will eat. To help me get back on top of the business of living – applying for daycare subsidies and completing forms for health insurance and laundry to do and groceries to buy and bank account balances to stress over.

    I’m sick of the Groundhog-Day-ness of my life. Same shit, different day. Too many unhealthy dinners eaten in front of the tv. Too many resumes sent and never responded to. Too many opportunities for my anger and stress to overtake me when my kid is dawdling or goofing off. No one to talk to at the end of the day when I’m exhausted but can’t turn my brain off.

    Know that you’re not alone in it. I’m especially low after having just read a great novel starring a single mum (One True Theory of Love by Laura Fitzgerald) who, of course, finds love and, of course, makes it all work out in the end. Oh, and I watched The Proposal, which – dammit – has a typically happy ending because everyone got over their issues and blah, blah, blah…

    Of course, I should probably break out my anti-SAD light now that the time has changed and the days are dark and short.

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  9. It IS part of the process, I think. But tell me this: what is so goddmaned wrong about admitting that you want to have a partner/husband? Believe me, it doesn’t make you an less strong or independant. And there are times when you are still going to be lonely and sad WITH a man in your life. It is just this thing called life, and sometimes it cucks. You might wake up tomorrow and feel completely different and be back to your fuck I don’t need or want a man stage, and that is part of the process, too, I think. And you aren’t whining; you are writing about how you feel, and we are here to listen and support where we can. And I would bring you soup and bread if I could.

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  10. It’s definitely part of the process. I’ve suddenly found myself riding high on positive emotions surrounding my singleness after feeling very blah about men and relationships over these past couple months since my breakup. (I’m actually in a mood where I want to stay single until I’m 30 — I know this feeling won’t last long, but I’m loving it while it lasts).

    And maybe you could chalk part of it up to the change in weather, too? (This might be a stretch, since I have no idea how the weather has been in your part of the country). I just know that I let my negative emotions get the best of me when the temperature starts to drop.

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  11. I am so sorry. I know that feeling. Gosh we women should just all band together and forget about the men…seriously. It’s never what it’s cracked up to be when we are in a relationship, and then when we are out, we miss them…we need a halfway house where we all share expenses, have our own spaces and support each other when need be. 🙂 Anyway, I’m here…haven’t been around much, but I’m back. For good.

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  12. Boy do I feel you on this. I agree with everyone that it’s part of the process. All the people around me are finding new lives or getting married so it’s kind of adding to everything for me.

    Glad you were able to sleep. I do love spreading out so I am actually planning on upgrading to a King- go figure.

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