I’ve been applauding my singleness for a while now. I’ve declared how awesome it feels to be alone. How much more I like myself, how much stronger I feel, how satisfying it is to make choices and reap the benefits of self-sufficiency. I still agree with all of that.
When Rooferman ended our relationship, my situation improved dramatically. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to feed and clothe my daughter without asking him for money. It felt good to look in the mirror and admire myself instead of wondering if I should even get dressed. I felt useful again. I felt proud of my abilities as a mother instead of shaming myself for not being able to keep up with housecleaning and cooking the way I “should” have.
So it feels great to be alone, but does it only feel great in comparison to the awful place I came from? Does singleness feel so good because my previous couplehood was so painful? Am I going to the extreme, trying to get as far away from my life as I knew it? I herald my ability to be alone, and I haughtily look down on the people who bounce from relationship to relationship, sneering at their inability to cope with being alone. I think I’ve developed a superiority complex. It doesn’t help that Rooferman hooked up with Blondie only days after he ended it with me, so I know some of that degradation is coming from personal betrayal. It’s obvious I pride myself in any way that I’m NOT LIKE THEM.
I can’t help but notice, the closer I get to Chivman and HS Sweetheart, the more I like having them around. The longer I go between seeing them, the harder it gets. I don’t think my desire for singleness is ALL in my head. I do like being alone, but I don’t like being lonely. While I’m basking in the afterglow of male company, I’m definitely lonely. A few days later I get back to my normal, uppity, empowered self, but until then, I’m hugging my pillow at night, pretending it has a pulse.
I still agree that being alone is good for me. My tendencies to turn into a doormat when a tall, dark mysterious man enters my life haven’t been fully vanquished. But I’ve discovered that being alone is much easier once you’re used to it. When you’ve been without the touch of a man for years, you start to forget what its like. That makes your singleness MUCH easier. Now that I’ve been reintroduced to the elements of masculinity, I’m savoring them like the last rays of summer.
Or maybe I’m just playing with fire.
Orbital Astrology 
Yep.
That’s all I got. You said it girl.
LikeLike
I think I can safely say that you’re way too hard on yourself, sweetie.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a man in your life. Absolutely nothing.
You have nothing to prove to anyone, and I hope you don’t feel the need to prove anything to yourself, either.
LikeLike
Just because you are used to it doesn’t mean it is the best thing for you; all it means is you are used to it. Just throwing that out there.
I think that what you are feeling (and this is based on my OWN history of single-parenthood) is just part of hte process, I really do. You might be running like hell away from “that life,” but really, who cares? Your life, your decisions, and if at the endof the day you are happy, well, that is great. There IS a difference between being alone and being lonely, though, and I think that being lonely sucks sometimes but it passes, you know?
As usual, I am not making sense, so I shall hush now… 🙂
LikeLike
I really need to stop overthinking things.
LikeLike
Oh honey, I hear you. I’m having a wee panic attack now about planning to hook up with a man I’ve slept with before, but then re-considering because I know that, after he leaves, I’ll just feel lonely and empty and wondering why the hell I can’t seem to find a man that is worth spending non-naked time with. But then I think that I just don’t have it in me to risk putting my heart out on the line because I’ve done that before and there are still some things I haven’t recovered from. I never want to be in that situation before and so I tell myself that I am just fine being single because the less people subjected to me and my unquiet mind, the better.
(It’s entirely possible I am going to turn this comment into a blog post of my own.)
LikeLike
I think you are very strong. I keep watching my best friend jump from relationship to relationship because she doesnt want to be alond. She wont admit it to herself either. I dont want her to be alone for ever but I want her to get some strength so she stops turning into the doormat like you mentioned above. I need to refer her to your blog:)
Lucy
LikeLike
There is a lot of space between being single, having FWB’s and being a door mat. You know Rooferman is an ass who preys on insecure women and turns them into door mats. That is what those kinds of people do and they are very good at finding victims (even though they often don’t even realize it fully themselves.)
I’m sure you know this but there are plenty of good guys that treat women with respect. They won’t make you a door mat if you get attached. You don’t have to limit your options to the three listed above.
LikeLike
At least I’m slowly adding options. A year ago, the only option for me was a man-free life. I’m sure I’ll keep adding them as I figure my shit out.
LikeLike
I think I understand what you’re saying. The longer I’ve been single, the easier it has been, but sometimes I wonder if it’s just because it’s what I know? Either way, I’m comfortable being single (most of the time) for now, so I’ll live vicariously through you. 🙂
LikeLike