single mom

Low Expectations

The date was a bust. Absolutely no chemistry between us. Conversation consisted of me talking 90% of the time and staring out the window. I tried to ask open-ended questions. I wanted to hear his story. I wanted to see if there was something intriguing about him that could lead us into a real conversation.

It never happened. He moved to Durango to snowboard. He’s from the Front Range. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life. I was so bored with the conversation that I didn’t even think to get his Astrological stats, so I could look them up later.

He did ask me about my daughter. He did pay the bill. He did walk me to my car. He was polite. He was nice. But that was all. I don’t think I can base a relationship off a handful of decent qualities.

I wasn’t really expecting much, so it wasn’t disappointing. I did start feeling a little down, wondering if this was the best I could do.  I don’t want to lower my expectations, because I am happy being single. I don’t need to be with a boring guy just because he is cool with me having a kid. It’s not worth it.

But I feel like the people around me are sending me the message that I should be happy with what I can get. That a perfectly decent guy who likes kids is what I should be looking for. Doesn’t matter if there is no attraction, or if he is double my age, if he’s cool with LB (my physical evidence of a failed relationship), what else could I want?!

It just rubs me the wrong way. I’m not desperate. My child is not tumor I’m infected with.  I don’t need people to find an acceptable man who will love me despite the child trailing behind me. I want someone who likes ME, and that means he will think my single motherhood is desirable, an asset to my personality, not something to be ignored. If it freaks him out that I have kid, then obviously we’re not meant to be. But, I can find that out on my own. I don’t need my friends to screen potential dates for me.

Or maybe I’m being overly defensive, and I just have to learn the hard way.

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13 thoughts on “Low Expectations”

  1. You are not being overly defensive, I promise you. I think this post is exactly why single moms do one of three things: stay away from relationships completely and rely on FWB type friendships to fulfill needs (which according to society makes us sluts), stay away from ALL relationships and become celibate (which makes us repressed and snobbish) or marry the wrong guy simply because it is EXPECTED (which just makes us stupid). God, this pisses me off. Not YOU, the situation. What the hell is wrong with simply being single and HAPPY? I might not have liked the idea of polyamory, but damn it, this is your life. We single moms (or formerly, if you will) ARE single moms because we want what is best for our kids, WE don’t see our little ones as burdens at all, and it pisses me off to no end that “the world” STILL tells us, either right out loud or more subtly, that we should just be glad we found someone who will accept those children. Shit all over that, I mean it.

    On that note, I am sorry that it wasn’t a good time for you.

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  2. I think it’s awesome that you’re single and happy with who you are. I also think you shouldn’t have to lower your expectations. It’s hard being single in general and not feeling like people think there’s something wrong with you for not just settling for the first guy who comes along or that will take you for who you are. My favorite thing is that whole someone will come along speech that people give as they give you the it’s ok look (this happens to me at work quite a bit). Seriously, what’s wrong with being in your late twenties and being single? This is not to say I want to be single forever or that if Mr. Right comes along I’m not ready, but I’m happy (have an awesome job, great family and friends) and that definitely means something. I know I can’t compare my situation completely with yours obviously since I don’t have an awesome kiddo like you do, but I definitely understand what you’re saying.

    I also want to say that I totally admire you for being a single mom and doing all you do all the time. LB is such an awesome kid and the guy that you end up with, if you decide it’s right, will see how beautiful both of you are and view you both as a gift, not as a tumor.

    Glad you went on a date, but I’m sorry it went bad for you. I’m so proud of you for knowing what you want too, you go girl! Oh and have a fun weekend 😉 Love you!

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  3. Yuh, I would totally say something to these friends of yours.

    What you want- it can totally happen. Totally. And I absolutely wouldn’t settle for less.

    Although, I know how easy it is to slip into a safe, okay-ish “relationship.” And I know how hard it is to figure out exactly what type of relationship you want.

    AND I don’t have answers at all.

    One step at a time.

    But don’t bore yourself. You’ll end up with weird, boring, obsessive guys stalking you all over the internet for years. Creepy.

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  4. Being a parent helps us hone our most desirable traits: selflessness, compassion, patience, and the ability to set boundaries. Not every parent is successful at it, but for those that are, they are that much stronger in the dating game. Any guy that dates you should be friggin grateful for your daughter. She has helped make you into the woman you are.

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  5. There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. It is YOUR life and you have the right to pick what is best for you and LB. The whole “ideal relationship” business is BS. Kudos to you for knowing what you want and going for it. DO NOT get into a relationship just because others want you to. That will lead to regret and frustration that quite frankly is a damned burden. It sucks that in today’s society you have to “come out” as a single mother and hope for acceptance. I want to know what is wrong with it? You are a strong, confident woman. If you find a man who can match you in personality and you think it is right, congratulations! If you can’t and you want to just have FWB more power to you!

    You know I love you and always will have your back and support you, just as you have always supported me and everyone else. Without judgment. Without question.

    Keep your head held high!

    xoxoxooxo

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  6. Sorry the date was a bust. At work he’s usually a goofball so I thought he’d be fun to hang out with. But as every0ne said above, don’t settle and keep giving yourself the respect you deserve.

    This whole episode was based on some comments this spring about not being able to find guys to date in Durango. I don’t think you’re desperate or tumor-ridden. I think you are an amazing person and so is your daughter. I just thought I could help find some nice guys as potential dates since at one point you seemed to be looking but not finding. I’m glad you are happy with where you’re at now, that you don’t feel deprived by not dating random guys. I’m also glad you have this outlet to share your life and that I now know not to play match maker again. I consider you a valuable friend and want to support and encourage your happiness the same as I try to do for all my friends. I hope I haven’t caused any long-term ill-feelings due to my poor judgement.

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  7. I’m sorry the people around you are making you feel like that. I agree with the others commenting here. You absolutely shouldn’t be pressured to do anything you don’t want to do – that is, anymore than you already do as a single mom!
    And let’s face it: we lowered our expectations before, and look how that ended up!
    Love you!

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  8. You should never feel like you have to settle. Honestly I’d rather be single and happy and doing the fuck buddy thing than having a boyfriend who I don’t love and have no chemistry with. What good is he? What would be the point in even being together if things are so dull? Boyfriends shouldn’t just be objects to pass the time, they should be someone I could potential grow with.

    I settled with the last guy I was dating because I was bored and lonely at times .. he was cool with my kid, he liked me, but we had nothing. Thank god we had a falling out and now don’t even speak. I feel a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I’m happier than ever.

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  9. No, I doubt anyone is encouraging you to settle just cuz some dude is ok with the fact that you have a child. I can’t see friends doing that. I would think maybe, more so, it’s just plain encouragement to get out there and have some fun.

    So it was a bust. No biggie and on to the next dude. 🙂

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  10. Ugh! I feel ya!! My family is exactly the same way. Since DB has a decent job and sees his son more than once a year I should thank my lucky stars he’s in my life and promptly repair what is wrong with our relationship. Clearly it can be fixed according to them. My uncle even came to me on Jayson’s birthday and said he wanted to talk to us honestly to fix things. He said

    “You guys don’t really work as a couple but you are a couple and you have a kid so you should at least try. ”

    Right…because I never did that before. I have said over and over that I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Obviously things aren’t perfect but they are a lot better than they were. I am not going to settle for the next guy. If they’re not trying to fix us up then they say something like realistically a decent person is not going to want to be with someone who has kids. Oh well that’s their loss. Arrgh this so annoys me. I suppose your friends mean well but it does get tiresome after a while.

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