The Ideal Relationship for a single mom?
Ok, I’ve really been struggling with this…and I think I’ve figured out how to to blog about it. I don’t know if I will lose friends or fellow bloggers over this, but I’m just going to throw it out there.
I keep trying to make sense of this sexual situation I’m in. My friends don’t really understand what I’m doing. They keep telling me I’m going to get hurt. Even I don’t understand what I’m doing. But I like it. I’m satisfied. I’m happy. I feel like I’m in control. I’m acting in a safe, responsible manner, in a way I feel like I can protect my daughter, and also spend as much time as possible with her.
I think I’ve said before that I don’t want a boyfriend. I’ve been evaluating the word “normal” for some time now. I like being alone. I am a stronger, smarter, better person when I am alone, and until I figure out how to be that person AND be a good full-time partner, I think its in my and my daughter’s best interest to remain alone.
But I don’t like being lonely. I miss men. I miss physical, emotional and mental intimacy, and I crave that at times. I have two Scorpios who give that to me when I need it, and are satisfied with being secondary to my single mom lifestyle. They too have their other lives, and I think its great.
My three closest friends are married. Two are married to men, one is married to her small business. They are totally dedicated to their significant other and love them in a n honorable and faithful manner.
People around me seem eager to usher me into a serious relationship, trying to seek out the men who will “be ok” with me having a kid, and partner me with a dependable, reliable man ASAP.
At the same time, I am surrounded by single moms finding love. Ms. Single Mama is in a wonderful, serious relationship. Both Mommypie and Littlemansmom are getting married. Modern Married Mama took her vows a few months ago. Mama Cum Laude is deeply involved with her Yooper man.
I am incredibly happy for them :)
I also don’t think marriage is in my future.
My first night with Scorpio #1, I had a minor freak-out after he left and didn’t know who to call. I had been with Scorpio #2 less than a week before. I couldn’t deal with the self-hating feelings I was experiencing, so I tried to think of the most non-traditional person I could find to give me some advice.
I called my sister. She’s been with her girlfriend for more than a year now. She’s about the most calm, down-to-earth person I know, and I respect her completely. She talked me through my “Woe as me, I’m such a slut” ranting, and gave me some good advice:
“You really should listen to Dan Savage’s podcasts. He’s helped me figure out a lot of things when it comes to relationships.”
My sister is a genius. She knew exactly what would fix my funk. I listened non-stop for 2 hours and felt amazingly better afterwards. I started to research online, trying to figure out if there was any definition for what I was doing other than “dysfunctional single mom whore who can’t commit to a normal relationship and should have her kid taken away because of it.”
Then I found this article written by a counselor on open relationships.
MULTIPLE NON-PRIMARY RELATIONSHIPS
While the first two models stress commitment and primary relationships, some people prefer to remain essentially single but participate in more than one relationship. They are not looking for a committed relationship. For them, non-monogamy offers the intimacy, love, and sexual satisfaction of involvement in relationships without the constraints of a primary relationship. This model works best for people who have a serious, all-consuming commitment to something other than relationships; people who are very busy with their work, their art, raising children alone, or political involvements.
Usually they prefer relationships with people who, like themselves, want less commitment, or people who already have a primary relationship and are looking for a “secondary” relationship. People involved in this model usually don’t make a lot of rules about their relationships, and retain a very high degree of personal freedom and autonomy. They usually live alone and make relationships a relatively low priority in their lives.
Jessica is a single motherwith three kids and a full time job. She doesn’t have time for a primary relationship, and has two long-term but casual sexual relationships with Jacob and Anthony. Jacob is a business executive who travels a lot for his job, so he is only free to see Jessica about once a week. Anthony is married to a nurse, but sees Jessica one evening a week when his wife works till 11:00 PM at the hospital.
Pros and Cons on Non-Primary Model
For this model to be successful, it is crucial to carefully choose partners who will be satisfied with a less committed relationship, and to communicate that clearly to potential partners. This model often works great as long as all parties are too busy or too committed elsewhere to want a primary relationship. However, conflict can arise when circumstances change and one person has more time or develop a desire for a primary relationship. For instance, when Maria finishes her Ph.D., or when Jacob gets a promotion and no longer has to travel for his job, or a married lover gets divorced–they may suddenly demand more time and commitment or even demand a monogamous relationship. Such a change often proves fatal to the existing relationship. However, sometimes people see such a challenge as an opportunity for growth and are able to change their relationship to accommodate everyone’s needs.
I was floored. They even used a single mother as their example! It was like this person was writing out my exact situation. I had to share it. I’ve been feeling so shitty and confused about my relationship with the Scorpios, when honestly, what the hell is wrong with it?
Things may change for me in the future, but that’s where I stand right now. And I’m ok with it. I don’t have to have a boyfriend or a husband to be in a relationship that I enjoy and is good for me.
I can define my own happiness.