The end of the eclipses

Thanks for everyone’s extremely thoughtful comments. It was a rough day yesterday, trying to filter everything. My daughter announced the news to everyone in my office and the look on my coworker’s faces ranged from horrified disgust to snide, “Thank God that’s not MY life” expressions.  I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do more:  Puke my guts out or beat the s*** out of something.

I love being the office tabloid.

Shame. Anger. Nausea. Loneliness. They kept building until I stormed out of the office at lunch and ground my stick shift into the floorboards. If I can’t dance my feelings out, I sure as hell can drive until there’s no more road. After 45 minutes of good, hard, pounding music and playing chicken with the tourists, I felt better.

Then I talked to my mom. 

 She unloaded her thoughts about my moving to Denver.  Now, my mother used to read my blog, but she had to stop. It was too graphic for her. There were things on here that she didn’t want to know about her daughter, things that stressed her out.  We live 15 minutes away from each other,  so our face-to-face interaction is enough stress for her to deal with. She likes having me close, even if she doesn’t want to know about the personal details of my life.

If I moved to Denver, I don’t know if it would be more or less stressful. Distance would mean less intimate knowledge about each others’ lives, but I doubt she would worry any less about me. She brought up good points, guilt trips, supportive/sad statements like “I know that you took a detour when you got pregnant, and you still have your own life to think about…” Which I appreciate, but it didn’t make me feel any more confident.

I worry about my mom. I hope LB & I haven’t become such an important part of her life that she can’t be happy without it. She’s a Cancer. She’s moody. She’s deep. She’s got a  dark side and its taken over before. I don’t want that to happen again.

At least the Denver idea is out there now.  Baby steps. But they feel like Ginormous baby steps.

The word “baby” is still making me sick. I hope that goes away soon.

On a totally different note…….

Tonight is the last of 3 eclipses during this insane summer. Here’s the astrological follow up from master of her craft, Anne Ortelee:

Think of the changes that have arrived in your life and the lives of folks you know since the eclipse season began June 22, 2009. Whatever happened under the eclipses was designed to move you forward with a new understanding of your life. Own it and love it. That profound realization is important to your future path. – Astrologyhome.com

Here’s whats happened to me since that day:

What have you learned in the last 6 weeks? What do you think the eclipses are trying to tell you?

 P.S. If you live on the east coast, the eclipse will happen right around sunset, so the moon will look blood red.  Wish I could see that. Should be pretty rad.

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9 thoughts on “The end of the eclipses

  1. You can’t take on the responsibility of your mom’s happiness along with everything else. There are pros and cons of moving further away from her, sure, but I hereby give you permission to take her out of the equation. That will work itself out. This is about your happiness, and LB’s happiness. Nothing else really matters.

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  2. I can only agree with April; you just have to do what is best for you and LB; that’s it. And that is plenty of responsibility in and of itself. Your mom will either be okay or she won’t, but that’s on her.

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  3. So you totally inspired me to blog for like the first time in months because of this entry. Yea!!

    Sorry about all the drama…can’t wait for a little retail therapy this weekend!!

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  4. I agree with everyone else on the mom situation. You have to do what’s best for you guys.

    I haven’t had major changes but finally came to the realization that I have to live my life on my terms. Easier said than done and I can’t understand why it takes me so long to see the obvious…

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  5. As this move gets closer it gets harder to fight the tears and sadness (I’m a friggin’ over-emotional cancer too) that come up at the thought of actually leaving this place and all these people that I love. Leaving my grandma is one of the hardest things I will ever have to do in this lifetime. I hate knowing that my wonderful grandmother who is like a mother to me won’t be a part of my everyday life, of my son’s life. But what helps me every time I imagine driving away while she stands on the porch watching me leave her is KNOWING that I am doing the best thing I can for my little family’s livelihood and future. And I know that you will do the best thing for your little family too.

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  6. I do believe that your future will unfold in front of you as you knock on doors. They won’t all open(Who knows? You might still stay in Durango), but you have increased your choices.
    You have consistently proven to be a great mom and human being who makes the best decision you can at the time. You’re mom loves you and wants you to be successful and happy. None of us knows what the best road to that is, so keep doing your best every day. It really will all work out…
    I love, admire and respect you!
    P.S. I doubt very much if you’re the office tabloid! They probably live vicariously through your love, passion and fun. The other drama is in all our lives. Some people just don’t let it be known.

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  7. Wow I am just so shocked and just can’t imagine how you are processing all of this stuff. I agree with your mom that you still have YOUR life to think about and yes, it is complicated in different ways other people don’t necessarily have to deal with but I bet there are a lot joys you have that other people don’t have. I think you will figure this out in pieces.

    As for the office tabloid, ppppssshhh I bet you work with someone who has a million problems no one would ever suspect. Don’t worry about their opinions, just do you. You got through all the custody stuff in one piece, and now this, you will handle will the same courage and grace under pressure.

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  8. OK, I would just warn a LITTLE BIT about moving somewhere where there is no support sytem.

    It’s so much harder to do the single mom thing when you don’t have grandmas/grandpas/aunts/uncles/whomever to help you out with babysitting/whenyoursick/whatever.

    I don’t know how far Denver is from Durango, but I just want to throw that out there.

    But I know if I was a young single mom hanging out in my hometown, I’d sure as hell want to get out, too, so…

    And don’t worry, hon, you’re not the office tabloid. Well, maybe you are sometimes, but that publication is posted daily. There’s always something new doing on.

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