*A commenter threw out some words of alarm at my last post. I wanted to form an explanation, because I know what I wrote sounded a little irresponsible to someone who may not have read my entire history of single motherhood.
A few months ago, I got involved in a little debate over sex and motherhood. Oddly enough, I came to a single mom’s defense over her sexual rights, and I wasn’t even having sex. This was before Young Buck, before I had every other weekend to myself, before I had my self-esteem epiphany.
All of this discussion, realization & action triggered something new in my life: Hope for my future as a desirable human being, the end of my sentence for life-long celibacy. I was someone somebody might want to be with, and that alone was enough to lift my gaze from the pavement and see the potential out there.
Did I really have a game plan for finding this person? No, but I’m a Pisces, that’s not my style. I’m the type who floats down the river, basking in the sun until I hit the whitewater. Is this responsible? Perhaps not, but its a learning process. What mother has everything figured out from the day of conception?
For those of us who are single mothers, we have the added complication of finding a sexual outlet (just like we all have creative outlets, stress-relief outlets, physical outlets, intellectual outlets) as apposed to married moms, who have the sexual stamp of approval.
I understand her point. Your body will not perish without orgasmic bliss. However, we are humans, and our needs reach a higher level than a plant who only thrives on sunshine and water. Emotional well-being is just as important and physical well-being.
I didn’t major in psychology, but even in the parenting classes I’ve attended, they all create a similar diagram as Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs.
In my parenting classes, at the bottom of the scale, they didn’t even put food, water and shelter, that is a given. Your kids can’t be happy unless their physical needs are taken care of. At the bottom of the pyramid is love, acknowledgement, respect and security.
See what’s at the bottom of our adult pyramid? The basic physical necessities. Oh, AND SEX.
As far as mommyhood, there’s a lot of guilt out there, and yes, a lot of fear. I have both. Obviously, the commenter has both. Believe me, this is not an easy thing to think about. Its scary. There’s a thousand things that could go wrong in a relationship, and when you have a kid, its almost enough for you to say “F*** it, its not worth the risk.”
I’m trying to find the middle ground, where I can make decisions that are safe for my daughter and myself, but not live ife in fear and guilt.
Its proving to be a monstrous task, but I think I can get there. At least I’ve started the process.