Empty

Morning after disclaimer: This post was written at midnight after a few glasses of wine. Please excuse some of the melodrama.

 

I kinda had an emotional weekend.

  1. My car is no more. If you recall, it had issues last summer. For a few weeks now, it has been making a shuddering noise while in lower gears. Since I am Zen Master  in the art of denial, I let the problem get worse and worse until this weekend, on my way to buy my daughter’s birthday present, a loud crash occurred, followed by metal on metal grinding my forward motion to a halt.
  2. My first major event, hosted alone by Yours Truly in her own house. A total of 21 people converged upon my snug apartment, sending my daughter into celebratory frenzy.  The rain that has been plaguing Colorado for the last week subsided for 24 hours, allowing a window of opportunity for a 3-year-old to play with her fellow daycare friends (who actually showed up!).
  3. Since we can’t have pets in our rental, I bought LB a fish tank for her 3rd birthday. Honestly, I never thought a 2.5 gallon bucket of water could cause so much stress. I may as well have walked into a Greek library when I went to pick out the fish.  The nice 13 year old boy patted me on the head and gave me a pair of guppies and 3 Tetras. I promptly killed one the next morning.
  4. My gay boyfriend has been over to my place every day this weekend. Its like old times. Except there’s major weirdness there. The “Oh, we used to sell coke, you’ve been in prison for the last 2 years, and I’ve been raising a kid alone” weirdness. Being around him is like sticking ice down my bra. Its shocking & uncomfortable…..in a good way?

I’m sitting alone in my house, now. 6 hours ago, it was filled with people. More people than I’ve ever had in one place since I was Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.  My boss was there. My co-workers came along.  Even Spot showed up.

When you send out the Evites, the Facebook event notifications & the written invitations, it doesn’t really click in reality that all these people might show up. For about 3 hours, my life was overflowing with humanity. The walls of my abode were rattling with children’s shrieks & the hum of adult conversation. I was running around like a possessed maitre d’. Between ditching crepe paper in the re-gifting bag & throwing hamburgers on the grill (also donated to me in the last 48 hours), I resembled a half-eaten wedding planner attempting to find nirvana through last minute, pre-packaged macaroni salad.

Now, at 11 pm, The walls of my house are silenced. The sugar crash my daughter experienced around 6 pm was reasonably mild, and the bottle of wine I procured after kiddo’s bedtime is accompanying me through my post-party blogging.

I admit I’m overwhelmed right now. I didn’t think I had this many people behind me. I didn’t physically understand the volume of humanity I have at my fingertips. The kindness I’ve experienced this weekend, and the pure joy I’ve witnessed through my daughter’s eyes is truly amazing.

While I search for a new mode of transportation, one of my Leos  has  graciously allowed me to use her car in the meantime. How incredible is that? How lucky am I to have such friends? 

As I sit here in my empty house, I turn on In Her Shoes to keep me company. As a single mom, I’m used to being alone. This apartment has served me well in my loneliness. Now with a pile of presents overflowing my coffee table, and the 4 remaining fish flitting about their minuscule tank, I realize how alone I feel. Before LB’s 3rd birthday, all I knew about my house was it could sustain a child and her neo-hippie 27-year-old single mom. Now its my capabilities have been compromised. I’ve been shown the enormous wealth of  community. I’ve witnessed the love and affection my daughter commands.

Thank you all (online and IRL)  for being a part of that community, Its beautiful, and my house is echoing with emptiness.

That emptiness+WINE+movie = I wish my sister were here.

What enlightened you this weekend?

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Empty

  1. I think for me, one of the hardest things about being a single mom has been learning to see and use the adundance avaialable. We get so used to doing it on our own, and then all of these wonderful people just show in our lives and wham. I was enlightened by your post!

    Like

  2. Awww, what a great weekend for you!

    I second Kori — this post was definitely enlightening 🙂

    What else enlightened me this weekend? hm… having my relationship with my old high school friend turn into something more serious and concrete. He adds to the proof that there ARE single, childless guys out there who don’t care whether or not you are a single mom.

    Like

  3. Yeah, yeah, I’m totally enlightened, too, but I can’t get over this line: “Being around him is like sticking ice down my bra. ” Damn, girl, I wish I could write like you!

    Like

  4. My whole weekend was enlightning! Got to spend it with possible the most amazing man I will ever know but shall never have! It was sad but totally awesome to have that time!

    Like

  5. It’s amazing how you can feel like your in this all alone and something will happen to remind you that there are plenty of people behind you…I felt that way at my baby showers. As for what enlightened me this weekend well, it was probably less positive but I spent my weekend looking for as much information as possible, my court date with G’s dad is Wednesday and I’m freaking out! Thanks for this post…it’s a reminder that there are people behind you!

    Like

  6. Yay for the great weekend and even more great friends.

    I miss my gay friends too. When we got together it was a free for all. Hopefully I can see them this year.

    Like

  7. I’m with Kori – and April; great description with the ice!

    I feel pretty alone most of the time but it is nice to get a reminder that I’m not as much as I think I am, like with this post. 😉

    Like

  8. Sounds like a roller-coaster weekend, thrilling and perhaps a bit nauseating. Car troubles always give me tummy troubles – glad your friend helped you out of the pickle!

    Like

  9. What a great post. It can be overwhelming to realize how many people are on your side, can’t it? It’s weird, because sometimes I feel so alone, and then something happens (like Shiloh’s birthday parties) and I can’t find room for everyone. It’s a good problem to have.

    I’m glad LB’s party went well. 3 years old!

    Like

  10. I love having people over.

    But after everyone has left and the house falls silent (the kids are asleep) I usually feel the let down. The keen awareness that I am alone.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s