Thanks for all the awesome comments. They’ve really helped me sort all this out. I think I’m almost out of my funk. I took myself and LB out on a little Mommy/Daughter dinner date last night, and it snapped me back into reality again.
I think my brain has been having issues with integrating mommyhood and sexual needs. Even though I talk about how I’m totally cool with it and coming to other dating moms’ defense, I hadn’t actually realized how hard it would be to seamlessly blend those two identities.
I tried a baby step with Young Buck, declaring that I would fit a man into my schedule without it affecting my daughter. I thought I could be naughty every other weekend, and shut it off when I felt like it. I learned that its really not possible to turn the Mommy switch on and off as I please. Reverting to my 21-year-old self when I was with him and then fast-forwarding 6 years by 8 am the next morning proved to be pretty impossible, and caused extreme amounts of guilt, shame, confusion and frustration to bombard me.
I’m a pretty flexible person , able to move from one place to another, adapting quickly to new situations, but this proved to be too much for me to handle. I had a processor meltdown trying to separate my secret life from my real one. And that’s ok. I understand a little bit more about myself now. I don’t regret my FWB at all. I wish Young Buck the best at his new job, and hope all his dreams come true.
And you’re all right. I think I’m one step closer to knowing what I really want, and perhaps one step closer to being able to blend my kick-ass Single Mommyness with my kick-ass desirability and finding a kick-ass guy who gets that.
Christ, can you tell I’m from redneck-South Park-watching Colorado?
Have a great weekend y’all!