Chin Up

Thanks for all the awesome comments. They’ve really helped  me sort all this out. I think I’m almost out of my funk. I took myself and LB out on a little Mommy/Daughter dinner date last night, and it snapped me back into reality again.

I think my brain has been having issues with integrating mommyhood and sexual needs. Even though I talk about how I’m totally cool with it and coming to other dating moms’ defense, I hadn’t actually realized how hard it would be to seamlessly blend those two identities.

I tried a baby step with Young Buck, declaring that I would fit a man into my schedule without it affecting my daughter. I thought I could be naughty every other weekend, and shut it off when I felt like it. I learned that its really not possible to turn the Mommy switch on and off as I please. Reverting to my 21-year-old self when I was with him and then fast-forwarding 6 years by 8 am the next morning proved to be pretty impossible, and caused extreme amounts of guilt, shame, confusion and frustration to bombard me.

I’m a pretty flexible person , able to move from one place to another, adapting quickly to new situations, but this proved to be too much for me to handle. I had a processor meltdown trying to separate my secret life from my real one. And that’s ok. I understand a little bit more about myself now. I don’t regret my FWB at all. I wish Young Buck the best at his new job, and hope all his dreams come true.

And you’re all right. I think I’m one step closer to knowing what I really want, and perhaps one step closer to being able to blend my kick-ass Single Mommyness with my kick-ass desirability and finding a kick-ass guy who gets that.

Christ, can you tell I’m from redneck-South Park-watching Colorado?

Have a great weekend y’all!

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12 thoughts on “Chin Up

  1. You go girl! (Have I said that before?)

    I love how you’re taking this and learning from it. It may still seem confusing and possibly painful at times… but nobody said growth was easy.

    Good for you. This post made me smile!!

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  2. I really and truly think that it is all a matter of processing; I tried the FWB thing not once but twice, and while it wasn’t horrible and was fun at the time, there were lots of reasons why it didn’t work for ME-and I wouldn’t have known that had I not tried, you know? You are kick ass all the way around, and at some point, all the pieces will fit together and make a picture we can be happy with.

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  3. I’m glad you were able to come out of this with your head held high! It has definitely taken me many trips out to the bar with my friends to get me to just BEGIN to realize that my life just doesn’t work that way. I, too, feel really guilty going from being a “typical” 22-year-old to a mom.

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  4. Self-actualization is a wonderful thing. The important thing is that you’re able to step back and see the situation for what it was, your role in it, and then learn from it all.

    You’re an intelligent woman…this will only make you better going forward.

    Chin-up, indeed!

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  5. You know, I hate to be the voice of criticism, but would you PLEASE stop calling Colorado, or even Durango, or hell, just yourself, REDNECK… It’s not inherently redneck to come from colorado or watch Southpark, it’s redneck to live in a trailer in Colorado with a McCain/Palin sign in the window and your car up on blocks on the lawn. =P As a latte-sippin’ colorado yuppie liberal, I take personal offense. 😉

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  6. You’re mentioning things that, yeah, we do go through as single mom’s, figuring out ourselves and our sexuality. I still recall how late I used to stay up with my first b/f post-divorce and thinking I could just keep functioning well at the rest of life.

    Truth is, the b/f part of my life was fun and good and very sexually satisfying. But it was not to last. And feeling tired all the time while trying raise a toddler? Meh. Sometimes it was worth it, sometimes it wasn’t.

    Thanks for all your honesty on here. I enjoy and appreciate reading it.

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  7. I too, just got caught up on your last few posts. I’ve been out of town and LOOK AT ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED!

    You’re gonna be just fine darlin, just fine indeed.

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  8. I know every thing that you’re feeling because I just felt it too a couple of months ago. I reunited with my ex who I missed so much. He’d come over, we’d talk, kiss and cuddle .. and of course get our little freak on too. I liked it .. a lot. It all felt so nice and made me happy. I actually thought that maybe in time there was something nice in store for us.

    Then about a month ago he informed me he was up and leaving to Atlanta and 3 days later he was gone. We haven’t talked since.

    It was kinda a rude awakening but it made me realize that maybe I’m just not cut out for dating, relationships and “buddies” right now. Maybe I should just worry about my son and then the “other man” in my life will come and hopefully after all of the failures an disappointments he will be the right one for me!

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