Ok so I’ve been in a funk. I’m low. I’m trying to sort it out. Obviously I’m not in love with Young Buck. Our relationship consisted of 1 kiss, 4 weeks of texting, 1 phone call, 3 orgasms and some missing clothing. I didn’t want anything more than that.
But now my phone is quiet. The 1000+ messages exchanged between us have come to a screeching halt. I’m loath to admit it, but I miss it. The control is out of my hands now. I had something exciting and physical, and it was prematurely confiscated. The 2-year-old in me is throwing a tantrum about her candy being taken away.
Maybe I was trying to play God, and it never occurred to me that there was another person who had a life of their own. He wasn’t just there to be my sex slave.
In the last 4 weeks, my ego really has gotten out of control. Going from no male attention at all to obsessive sexual behavior has created the following pattern in my mind:
- I’m a strong single mama who doesn’t need or want a guy.
- Well even if I got a little attention from a 21-year-old, I still don’t really need it, or care.
- Ok so maybe it would be nice to have a little more of that attention.
- Wow this attention feels really good..
- Hmm. 800 texts in 3 weeks? He must think I’m really cool.
- Wow this could be an amazing opportunity for some really good sex.
- I have a boy toy. Hee Hee.
- I must be really awesome for a 21-year-old to be interested in a 27-year-old with a kid.
- Wow I really am the shit.
Being alone is hard, but after a while its something you get used to. You learn how to make a routine, you focus on the “more important” things, you designate activities to look forward to. It becomes normal and I was placidly adjusted to that.
Then I got a dose of Young Buck and that spark of intrigue was suddenly lit. Those “what if” questions I had successfully buried were resurrected. I had forgotten what it was like to be pursued. That primal instinct suddenly kicked in.
So what did I do? I tried to divert those scary little foreign feelings into a canal of control. By having a FWB, I could limit the amount of time I would spend with him, therefore limiting my emotional connection, protect my daughter from meeting a random guy, get a little “O”, and eventually free myself when I was ready.
I was really kidding myself. I honestly thought I could control all these things? I thought I was the only one who could push the start/stop button.
So I’m let down because:
- I liked the attention, and now its gone.
- I’m ashamed of how fast my ego grew.
- I’m embarrassed by my ignorance of the reality of control.
At least I’ve identified these things. The mud is a little clearer now. I feel better.
Thanks for helping me sort it out 🙂