Let Down

Ok so I’ve been in a funk. I’m low. I’m trying to sort it out. Obviously I’m not in love with Young Buck. Our relationship consisted of 1 kiss, 4 weeks of texting, 1 phone call,  3 orgasms and some missing clothing. I didn’t want anything more than that. 

But now my phone is quiet. The 1000+ messages exchanged between us have come to a screeching halt. I’m loath to admit it, but I miss it. The control is out of my hands now. I had something exciting and physical, and it was prematurely confiscated.  The 2-year-old in me is throwing a tantrum about her candy being taken away.

Maybe I was trying to play God, and it never occurred to me that there was another person who had a life of their own. He wasn’t just there to be my sex slave.

In the last 4 weeks, my ego really has gotten out of control. Going from no male attention at all to obsessive sexual behavior has created the following pattern in my mind:

Being alone is hard, but after a while its something you get used to. You learn how to make a routine, you focus on the “more important” things, you designate activities to look forward to. It becomes normal and I was placidly adjusted to that.

Then I got a dose of Young Buck and that spark of intrigue was suddenly lit. Those “what if” questions I had successfully buried were resurrected. I had forgotten what it was like to be pursued. That primal instinct suddenly kicked in.

So what did I do? I tried to divert  those scary little foreign feelings into a canal of control. By having a FWB, I could limit the amount of time I would spend with him, therefore limiting my emotional connection, protect my daughter from meeting a random guy, get a little “O”, and eventually free myself when I was ready.

I was really kidding myself. I honestly thought I could control all these things? I thought I was the only one who could push the start/stop button.

So I’m let down because:

  1. I liked the attention, and now its gone.
  2. I’m ashamed of how fast my ego grew.
  3. I’m embarrassed by my ignorance of the reality of control.

At least I’ve identified these things. The mud is a little clearer now. I feel better.

Thanks for helping me sort it out 🙂

9 thoughts on “Let Down

  1. I can imagine having all that attention, and then it being gone would be hard. I think, for me anyway, it’s usually pretty easy to be alone because I’ve become used to it. But if I had a taste of something else, I’m not sure what I would do.

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  2. It does suck, but look at it this way: new love/lust is the best anyway. Now you don’t have to go through all that wondering why he’s not texting as much anymore, how does he really feel, blah blah blah…

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  3. But on another note, now you know that you would like a man in your life. There’s nothing wrong with that.

    So feel the funk, sort it out, take a deep breath and a step in faith forward.

    You just never know what’s around the corner.

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  4. What you’re feeling makes perfect sense–you had something good, fun, exciting, thrilling and then poof! it’s gone. WT…? Yeah, now you’ve got to readjust to the “old” life. Not easy.

    And, yeah, you probably liked him, too. A loss…

    I’m sorry for you and I hope that something much better comes around sooner than later.

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  5. This post right here is why I PERSONALLY couldn’t do a FWB thing. I like the way you process it all, though, and think that it is REALLY good to be aware of all the different things you are feeling. So if you decide to find another FWB, it might be easier.

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  6. You know what?

    You are one step closer to figuring out what you may want… or for prepping yourself to take on a true lover/boy toy. You know?

    And there is NOTHING wrong for desiring male attention. I always seem to have had someone I like or am flirting with. It helps to feel desired.

    So my advice – go find another one to play with and keep having fun until the right one shows up. And CHIN UP lovely – you are absolutely amazing.

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  7. I think it’s always hard to face any change, no matter if it is good, bad or neutral. Human nature likes consistency and predictability. 🙂 But liking male attention is definitely not a bad thing. I agree with MSM, start looking for your next flirtation!

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  8. Awww. Sounds like you have a really clear view of the situation, which is good. And you are the shit. Keep that head up and move forward. The FWB thing was hard for me with everyone except the guy who really *was* a friend. It has always been good but weird with the others. Now I’m in a relationship and hoping I’m not putting too much pressure on it in my attempt to control things. Your post definitely spoke to me. Good luck, girl!

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