Young Buck and I have sent more text messages than two crackheads with nothing to do. Its now common for my phone to say “Network Error Detected” after the first hour or so of texting. My pull-out keyboard is slowly starting to malfunction. The keys no longer respond like they should.
Still, its better than calling. Why?
- We can send naughty messages to each other at work.
- I’m more honest when I write. Being on the phone with someone tends to make me sugarcoat things. Young Buck needs brutal honesty for mutual understanding.
- I really hate being on the phone.
There’s a party this weekend. LB is with her dad. I’ve made it clear that I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now. I’m looking for a friend with benefits that can fit into my single mom schedule (wow that sounded dirty). Of course that’s making him bound and determined to win me over.
How do I explain my situation to him without making him feel used? He says he’s cool with it, but I have a feeling he’s like every other 21-year-old stud: He wants to mark his territory. He thinks he’s more important than just another hook-up,. He is a human being after all.
So after a series of informative questions one might encounter during a medical examination, I cleared him as a extremely good candidate for my Go-to-Guy. Despite my fears about all this blowing up in my face, he’s agreed to nothing more serious than that.
Oh, and his previous statement? He’s assured me that he’s just joking. He really doesn’t hate hippies. HA!
We shall see.
Am I a walking trainwreck or what? Or maybe I finally understand the meaning of “boys on the side”
What about all of you? Do you have a friend with benefits? Did it work out without major pain inflicted on either end? Can a mutual agreement like this really work?
Orbital Astrology 
I am THE last person in the world to comment on that; it isn’t something I can do, because for me, I have to be emotionally invovled on some level in order for me to AT ALL enjoy sex. It took me over a year with Steve before I could even really enjoy it, and longer even to become truly compatible with him. I know others for whom it really works, though, so I say whatever is best for YOU. And hey-he is 21; he will get over any emotional pain you might inflict on him, right? (I think I am only kidding).
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You know what’s going to happen, don’t you? Your gonna take this poor stallion for a ride and then he’s going to fall in love with you. Mark my words.
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Personally, I prefer more of a one-night stand kind of thing over fwbs but that’s me. To each her own!
And will you stop worrying already?!? You’ve been honest and upfront with him. If he falls in love, that’s his problem. The beauty of this sort of thing is that you’re not supposed to worry about nurturing him, too!
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I’ve done the friends with benefits thing, and mostly it’s worked out. You just have to be careful to always be honest, not just with him, but with yourself. I have found from my own experiences and with talking to other friends that we women have a harder time than men with separating sex from emotion; that we’re a lot more likely to get attached to someone we’re sleeping with regularly, even if we don’t want/intend for it to get serious. That’s actually how Dan and I got started; neither of us was looking for anything serious, and yet suddenly, it was.
But I say, go for it! You’ve been up front with him, he knows what to expect, so giddyup! 😉
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Carlie I didn’t know you read my blog! I’m so glad you gave me your advice! You and Dan are too cute, btw. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea.
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They’re called boy-toys, and I really want one for myself! I had one, once, but I’ll not go into details… Let’s just say there are both advantages and problems….
Relax, have fun! (Just don’t forget to be careful/stay safe.)
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Interesting phenomenon, what you said here:
“I’m more honest when I write. Being on the phone with someone tends to make me sugarcoat things.”
Why do you suppose it is that way for many of us? I find it hard to develop any kind of meaningful dialogue face to face.
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I think it means I’m too much of a coward to be as honest as I should be.
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Sometimes I think I would LOVE a FWB, but I know me. I fall hard. At least right now. So I need to steer clear of those no-strings-attached fellas. Although some nights I wish I could make a booty call!
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Well, I’ve decided to swear off sex until I’m with the person I intend to marry (because sex has only gotten my into trouble and I’m in the middle of a very important religious/spiritual quest, lol).
However… Anna’s dad was my “friend with benefits” from the time we met to this past December (we were never in a relationship). That’s 1 1/2 years… and I was totally monogamous with him, too! (He wasn’t, but I obviously wouldn’t expect him to be).
My advice: if you think you’d be completely fine with a no-strings-attached friend with benefits… go for it. And if you ever feel like it’s becoming more than that and you don’t want it to, then make sure you cut it off before you let yourself get reeled into a relationship that you don’t want.
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Carlie makes a good point, as long as you can keep the emotional attachment from the sex, then go for it!
That being said, I never manage to truly enjoy sex with someone UNLESS there is an emotional attachment.
It’s a damn viscious circle!
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Well, I think you should go for it…but you never really know when you are going to get attached. It happens when you don’t expect it. A tinge of jealousy when they hang out with someone else, a little wondering here, a little falling hard there…it is entirely possible to venture into this and also have it develop into a deep friendship with benefits and end it when you both choose. But the odds are against that. Usually at least one person will fall. Start it off that way, enjoy it and expect nothing. Then you are always pleasantly surprised!
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I think its definitely doable (lol, pun intended).
The fact that you know you don’t want a full on boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship and let him know that is the key.
Lucky, lucky! Now, where can I get one of those for myself?
Isn’t it weird how we are able to be much more honest in writing than speaking face to face with someone?
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Ohhh girl! I think that you should go for it and see what happens. Yeah, sometimes emotions get involved, but as long as you are upfront with expectations (and you have been) that if emotions do happen you can deal with it however you choose. I tried the friends with benefits thing, but it was with an ex who I did have feelings with and well…it didn’t work out so well. I’m like QT mom, I need feelings involved.
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I think it’s hard to keep the emotion out of a FWB relationship. There defintitley needs to be a mutual understanding and respect for each other.
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Being…outside of your target demographic…all I can do is recommend you read this column. I bet you get as addicted to it as Intervention. http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?archives=all
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Ahhh, the wonders of text messaging. I agree, I prefer texting over talking on the phone for many reasons, but I think I like your #1 reason best.
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Damn girl. Sounds like fun to me!
I love that you’re enjoying yourself but I agree with QT, I need the emotional attachment. But it took me having a FWB to realize that about myself.
I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.
Oh and I gave you some link love on my blog today.
🙂
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I dated a guy a few years back that I knew we didn’t have a future. He was on a construction crew that built ethonal plants. When we started dating he told me up front that we would not have a long distance relationship and at that time in my life it was the perfect relationship. I got wined and dined (he has lots of $$) and had great S$X!!! It was really weird because we knew there was no future, but we were exclusive with the booty calls. All my friends told me I was getting too attatched, but I knew I wasn’t. Basically we were friends with benefits and it was GREAT!! We still talk and when he comes to town we both meet up with our spouses for dinner.
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LoL This seems to be all the rage in the mommy blogosphere.
I feel a little left out over here in Canada.
At least I can contribute my experiences!
In college I had 2 FWBs. (at separate times)
The first was a guy that I had a lot in common with — we had classes together, liked the same music etc etc usual college kid stuff.
Other than that I could barely stand the guy.
Which made for really great chemistry in the sack, I tell ya what.
The first few times it was hard for me to stay in the FWB mode since the only other time I’d slept with a guy was in a 4 year long relationship.
The sex was so good that it made me wonder if maybe we could actually “be” together.
I quickly got over that when I remembered I couldn’t stand him outside of the bedroom.
And the fact that I always insisted we went to his place so my roommates wouldn’t know anything more about him than the fact that he existed.
Somewhere along the line we just stopped calling each other. Which was cool.
Then I met my neighbour. A guy that I thought was gorgeous but so obviously full of himself that it was a huge turn off.
Then he made me realize something, I got drunk with my roommates, promptly marched on over to his house and well.. you know how it ends.. (orgasmicly <-is that a word? If it is, that’s the word I’m looking for.)
We started sleeping together on a regular basis.
We’d both just gotten out of relationships and weren’t looking for another. In fact we were avoiding them.
It got to a point where it felt like it was starting to be more than sex so we mutually ended things.
Which was also cool.
We stayed in touch, stayed friends.
Got together, fell in love and now we’re planning our lives together.
Whoa holy crap how did that happen.
Yeah.
So I’m good at FWBs about 50% of the time.
Not a great track record I gotta tell ya.
I think the first one only worked because I really didn’t like him.
Really really.
Could never ever see myself with him in a relationship. Our morals, values and plans were nowhere near compatible.
But man the sex was great..
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Part of me wishes I could have an FWB right now. Part of me has tried, but nothing’s worked out yet.
It’s hard for me to not get wrapped up emotionally when I have sex with someone UNLESS I know that I don’t feel more than wanting to have fun with them.
I think the thing with FWB is that you have to lay out the ground rules up front. And the catch is that if one person starts to feel more than just lust/sex-wanting, they gotta own it and quit.
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No. 😉
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I had friends with benefits relationships with great success. For me, it was easy – I’m older, she was younger. I’m done having kids, she wants to be a mom someday. There was no way we’d end up together long term.
Oh, and the sex was great.
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