child support, custody, deadbeat dad, single mom

Respect. Guilt. Sympathy

LB’s first night with her dad went ok. At least she came home safe and sound, so I’m grateful for that.  She was dirty, tired and thirsty, and it looked like a cat scratched her, but otherwise ok.

Rooferman informed me on Saturday that the court is filing a default on him for lack of Child Support payments. He also told me that they aren’t moving into Blondie’s mom’s house after all. Basically he pleaded that if he goes into default, they will take his license, which in turn will cause him to lose his job, which will lead them to homelessness. He said the only way the court will give him a break is if I close the case.

I’m ashamed to say that I felt sorry for him. I don’t know how I can still feel empathy for this manipulative deadbeat, but I said I would try to do something for him.

Then I said goodbye to LB and told her Iwould call her before bedtime. My friends and I went to a late movie, so I excused myself around 8:30 and went into the lobby to call her. I got the answering machine. I told Rooferman to call me back immediately and waited outside the theatre. After 20 minutes, I went and stood in the aisle so I could watch the movie and make a quick getaway if I needed to. He didn’t call back.

At about 10:30, I finally hear my phone ring. Rooferman said they were just getting back home from Blondie’s parent’s house, and LB was asleep in the car seat. He said he would call me in the morning so I could talk to her. I was pissed because 10:30 is awfully late for a 2-year-old to go to sleep, and he broke my promise to her.

The more I thought about the whole situation, the angrier I got. This man had the nerve to beg me for help over something that is HIS fault. He knew he could make me feel sorry for him. Not only that, he was also trying to put me in a position where I would feel guilty if I didn’t help him. Basically he was saying “I will lose my license, my car, my job AND my house if you don’t take the opportunity to make this right.”

How. Dare. He.

The next morning, I got up early and waited for the call. Do you think it ever came? No. Once again I was made a sucker. Once again I had enough respect for him to believe he would keep his word, yet he didn’t even have the same respect for me. While he was asking me for help, he kept saying “I really want us to trust each other, and work this out.”

Meaning…if you don’t do this for me, we’re not going to be able to have a peaceful custody arrangement? Meaning, if you don’t help me, your and LB’s life will be a living hell?

Well he’s off to a pretty shitty start. He had the nerve to ask me to save his ass, when really he should be suffering the consequences of his lack of responsibility. If I help him, what does he learn from his mistakes? Nothing. What’s it going to be next month? Oh, my truck won’t start, I’m not going to be able to afford child support again. TOUGH. I’m done with digging him out of his own hole.

I’m not even WITH this man anymore. Why should I help him? Why do I even feel sorry for him? I’m disgusted with myself that I even felt this way! Maybe I was in denial that winning in court was the end of this drama. Obviously I have the rest of my daughter’s life to deal with this crap.

I don’t want to go back to court. I was looking forward to some non-court-related life for a while.  I don’t want to have to wonder if Rooferman is driving without a license, or living in a meth motel while my daughter is with him.  That is a whole messy, dangerous, scary future that I thought I had managed to avoid by his miraculous signing of my parenting plan. Obviously, its not over yet.

But I’m not closing my child support case. Rooferman needs to figure out how to put his daughter at the top of his list, even if it means learning a hard lesson. Even if it means I will forever become the villain, he  needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

I’m not his mommy. I’m not here to save him.

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16 thoughts on “Respect. Guilt. Sympathy”

  1. What a crappy situation. I agree with you though. Stick to your guns. You’re not his mother and it isn’t your fault he can’t get it together.

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  2. ARGH it makes me so angry when stuff like this happens! SOOO ANGRY!

    Good for you for standing up to him tho! You are righ – he needs to man up and figure his life out!

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  3. Damn right!

    I’m forever helping my ex out to make The Mook’s life better. Buying a bed for her for his home (a 3 1/2 yr old should not be sleeping in a crib) and making sure she has clothes in her dresser in his home. Plus the time I left him in my apartment with access to my car because his car was dead and the power was out in his ‘hood (it was -20 C).

    Never mind not making a big deal of the $7000 he owes me from our separation agreement. He’s got all the excuses in the book, but if I take him to court and get a court order for him to pay up, it’s not going to make the money magically appear and would only result in major issues with our co-parenting relationship.

    *sigh* I know where you’re coming from and it’s not pretty. How is it that we ended up making a baby with such children?

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  4. Good for you for listening to your gut. I kept hearing you had the answers you needed as I was reading.

    I personally found it very suspicious that on the 9th, he is ready to cooperate and sign the plan, and then on the 11th he was asking you to save his ass.

    And you’re right. You are not his wife/mother…nothing. He is simply your daughter’s father. That’s it.

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  5. I don’t think you have any say in closing the child support case anyway since it’s initiated by the county attorney. Blame it on them if you don’t want to deal with his anger. If he loses his lisence and becomes homeless it’s his fault, not yours. I used to hear that crap from my X all the time. Still do. Everytime he creates a bad situation for himself, he’s just a helpless victim and the world and I are out to get him. There’s nothing you or I or anyone can do for people like that who refuse to help themselves. Hang in there.

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  6. Good for you! And you’re right. He will NEVER take responsibility unless he’s forced. Whatever you do (help him or not) he’ll still blame you for everything that’s wrong in his life. I know because I live it and no, a support order does not necessarliy end the legal drama. Not in my case anyway.

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  7. I agree with popular sentiment here: Good for you! How you handle this will establish a precedent and do not want that to be that you will help him out of every problem he creates for himself. He is being manipulative too, which makes me mad. You are doing great though and I love that, even though he broke his promise and wasn’t home, you left a movie and called LB and then stood in the aisle in case she called you back. What a sweet and caring and loving mother.

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  8. Yes the last two sentences are perfect. He has to learn to take responsibility and if you are the villain oh well. He made his choices… Good for you sticking by your guns.

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  9. Good for you putting yourself and your daughter first. Screw him and I don’t mean that in a bad way, but serious it’s his own damn fault he is so behind.

    Hang in there!

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  10. You’re right. You are not his mom. You’re not here to save him. He’s not your responsibility. He’s got to be a grownup and figure out how to make it work. That’s part of what being a good parent is about.

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  11. You are not the villian. You are LB’s advocate at all times and if Rooferman can’t understand that, then well…..he never will. You are the momma…and you are doing the right thing. Just keep doing what you are doing with LB. 🙂

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  12. I have been dealing with a deadbeat dad who has been absent from his child’s life for 5 years. Right now he’s been adcvertising his record label and putting on show at different nught clubs. If you ever come across Bonecide Entertainment (Terry aka T-Bone aka Bone) run because he is not to be trusted and does not take care of his children.

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