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In the dark

December 27, 2008

I’m back. Its late. I have all the lights off. I really don’t want to be alone right now. I don’t wanna be a single mom right now. I really don’t wanna write too much because I know my mom reads my blog now and I don’t want her to worry.

There were 15 messages on my phone when I finally was able to turn it back on. I can’t bring myself to listen to them. I’m scared to. I heard the first few before I left and I can only imagine what type of rage message #15 will express.

Rooferman’s truck was pulling out of my driveway when I got home. Why? What was he doing at my house? Will he try to come back?  Will he bring the cops? Will he try to take LB?

All I know is that he considers the act of taking LB out of town for 5 days was a direct violation of his parenting time. Maybe he thinks since I just up and left without his permission that he has the right to take our daughter without my permission. I’m scared he’s gonna do something crazy and I will be left screaming in a frozen parking lot with empty hands.

I hate this. I hate its the weekend and I can’t talk to a lawyer. I hate that he knows where I live. I hate that we have no official document saying I have custody of our child (other than child support papers). I hate that we can’t even see the new judge till February. I hate that I’ve tried everything I can think of to make some sort of respectable relationship with the father of my child and I’ve failed. I hate that this man has managed to make me feel terrified, confused and powerless once again. I hate being afraid in my own home.

And of course, just when my life is at its most unstable….I meet a guy. My first single dad. A guy who’s coming over to sit with me in my dark house for a little while because I’m scared.

The waters of my life are never tepid.

19 Comments leave one →
  1. December 27, 2008 12:44 am

    Oh Hanna, I’m so sorry Rooferman is being a jerk. Obviously you know to keep the messages but also make sure you document where you told him of your plans. When you talk to a lawyer, find out what the rules are on recording phone conversations. It varies by state but here, only one person has to consent to the recording and it is admissible in court. So I can record my conversations with Ex and as long as one of us (that’s me!) knows and consents, then the recording is admissible.

    You are at a bit of a disadvantage right now in that he knows where you are but you don’t necessarily know where he is. All I can say is do what you have to do to protect yourself and LB.

    I don’t really “get” how the custody thing works when you don’t have papers (one of the reasons I’ve been walking on eggshells for the past 8 months!) My lawyer told me that I couldn’t keep the kids away from Ex but he couldn’t keep them away from me either. So if he tried to take them and not let me see them, I could get the sheriff to go with me to pick them up. But then he could turn around and get the sheriff to come right back to get them from me. I’m sure there has to be more to it than that.

    I can tell you that back in May, he threatened to take the kids from me and wouldn’t tell me where he was going with them or for how long. I spoke to three different lawyers that day. Two of them told me there really wasn’t much I could do except wait and see if he took them and then request an emergency hearing to get them back. The third lawyer told me to record the conversation and tell him that he was welcome to visit with the children at my house but I would not allow him to take them out of my presence. Then brace myself…he said that if he actually showed up and attempted to take them, to call the police and explain the situation, that he didn’t have a safe place to take them, that he had threatened to take them for an unspecified period of time without telling me where, etc. and hope for the best. He also gave me his cell phone number and told me that if things got hairy, he’d come out and talk to the police with me. That’s the lawyer I hired. In my case, when I told Ex he couldn’t leave the house with them, he backed off so I don’t know how it would have played out if he’d actually tried.

    Do some research on Ex Parte custody hearings. That’s what all three of the lawyers told me I’d have to do if Ex did try to take the boys and not let me see them. I think Ex Parte means there’s only one party present…so you don’t go through all the filing, waiting 30 days for an answer, etc.

    Then decide what you need to do to take care of your baby. I’m glad you’ve got a friend coming to be with you tonight. I wish I were closer.

    Big hugs to you…let me know if there’s anything I can do.

    Like

  2. December 27, 2008 7:55 am

    awww….that IS scary…I wish there was something I could do…Hugs Hanna.

    Like

  3. December 27, 2008 8:36 am

    You are not the one that’s failed.

    I’m so, so sorry you’re in this position right now. Keep up the fight! You & LB will get through this…take it one day at a time.

    A big hug for you two, and here’s wishing you a New Year full of blessings, resolution, and new beginnings.

    Like

  4. December 27, 2008 9:35 am

    Major hugs coming your way. I’m so sorry… and I totally understand. And I don’t know what else to say.

    XOXO

    Like

  5. December 27, 2008 10:08 am

    Wishing you a new year FULL of tepid waters…you’ve certainly earned a little peace. Sorry your holidays were spoiled by Rooferman…good luck and be safe!

    Like

  6. December 27, 2008 11:19 am

    Big hugs, honey. It’s amazing how they can make us feel like WE are the ones who have done something wrong. Believe me I know about those fears you express. Sorry that you’re having such a crappy time of it. Anyway, way to go with meeting a new guy. Glad at least you’ll have a decent man to keep you company through this scary time.

    Like

  7. December 27, 2008 2:37 pm

    Oh, I’m so sorry. Big hugs. It’s scary, dealing with a guy who lives in such an unhealthy world, never knowing what he’ll do next. And without even something leagally to say you have to right to parent your daughter. (How the hell is it that the courts don’t recognise the moral right of the mother who had been doing this on her own from the beginning?!?!?)

    Like

  8. underthebigbluesky permalink
    December 27, 2008 3:29 pm

    I don’t even know what to say.

    Hate that you are feeling so scared.

    Bullshit.

    Went through this this summer. It’s like they don’t really want to commit but they don’t want to give you an ounce of control.

    Breathe, breathe, the court system sucks.

    Berathe.

    Do every thing you can to keep that girl safe, and then be prepared to explain it to the judge.

    That’s what my lawyer told me.

    Like

  9. December 27, 2008 4:00 pm

    ((hugs)) Oh Hanna. I’m so sorry.

    Like

  10. December 27, 2008 6:11 pm

    I’m glad you had someone to come sit with you. If Rooferman’s as much like X as I think he is, he’s all talk and no action. Keep those papers easily accessible!

    Like

  11. Shiona permalink
    December 27, 2008 8:54 pm

    I’m glad you got someone to stay with you. Hopefully Rooferman isn’t that dumb. Just keep the messages. You explained everything I am sorry you are dealing with this.

    Like

  12. laurakim123 permalink
    December 27, 2008 10:47 pm

    oh no man!! This is so totally horrible 😦 I am so sorry my friend!!!!!!

    Keep EVERYTHING he sends you, all the messages everything!Dumbass!

    Dont you have somewhere to stay for a while? At least then you wont be alone when Mr Single Dad leaves?

    Despite the tension it is VERY cool you have met a guy and even cooler he is a single dad!!

    ((HUGS))

    Like

  13. lilcyndiluwho permalink
    December 27, 2008 10:50 pm

    I’m so sorry Hanna. I’d be scared too if I came home to find him parked in my driveway. Just document every conversation you had where you told him when you were going and where and keep those phone messages.

    Like

  14. December 27, 2008 11:27 pm

    I am glad you are not alone over there and I am so angry for you to have to deal with this crap.

    Do not hesitate to call the police if he shows up and starts acting crazy. Do not feel obligated to let him in if you feel that scared of him. It is your house and you do not OWE him a damn thing.

    What proof does he have that LB belongs with him at that moment? Is his word really going to make someone force LB away from you? If he shows up with cops, let them know you are in the middle of this messy court thing with him and this is him just being an asshole despite the fact that he knew you were going away. Stay calm.

    Have this new guy just hold your hand and listen to the other messages and write them down. If he threatened you on any of them, make sure to play that for the cops as soon as they arrive. There is no way that he can take her just because he says it is his time to be with her.

    I am so sorry you are going through this — this is not your burden to shoulder alone because you did not cause him to act this way. Clearly he has a lot of issues and the feeling of entitlement and being a bully is one of them.

    Just know there are a lot of people rooting for you and keeping positive vibes your way.

    Don’t get lost in feeling powerless, take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

    Like

  15. shyflutterby permalink
    December 28, 2008 3:42 am

    I know how you feel. After bug’s dad threatening to take her to his home state without telling me I spent days in the dark! And I researched and found out in Colorado that if no parenting plan is filed which ever parent that has the child at that moment is considered the custodial parent….meaning you had her with you he could do nothing and vice versa. Take comfort in that fact as well as fear it when he has her. Atleast until you have all the court papers in hand!

    Like

  16. December 28, 2008 9:01 pm

    I know how scary it is. You are in my thoughts.

    I am so glad that you have someone to sit with you!!

    Like

  17. December 29, 2008 11:34 am

    I’m so sorry. I’m glad new guy was around to at least be with you if he DID show back up.

    Like

  18. December 29, 2008 1:24 pm

    Okay, I’m a little late for this one, but I’m sorry you had to go through that. Glad you had someone to sit with you.

    Like

  19. December 29, 2008 3:59 pm

    My heart goes out to you, and it is such a small thing to say but I am sending you all the good vibes I have to offer.

    Like

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