Thank you all for your awesome words of comfort. Blogging is such a strange thing. In all physicality, you are completely isolated from the rest of the world; alone with your thoughts, staring at a computer screen. Yet, I feel such a strong sense of connectedness to humanity through these virtual writings. I’ve traveled to Africa, I’ve gone back to college, protested in California, and glimpsed into religion.
Further still, I’ve recieved tangibles from bloggers through the mail. I’ve actually glimpsed fellow single mom bloggers via youtube and flickr. I’ve even broken down the barrier of anonymity and met a kick-ass girl blogger in real life. Blogging’s shrouded Internet presence has become so much more to me, and I wish I could express my gratitude to those who have made it so real and meaningful.
Mr. Hippie Counselor asked me why I like to beat myself up so much. I said “I don’t like it! Who likes making themselves feel miserable?” Apparently he thinks I do.
I started to think about how much I hate people who blame the world for their problems. How much I don’t want to be like that. Obviously most of that hate comes from dealing with Rooferman’s dysfunctional worldlyattitude. Maybe blaming myself for everything guarantees that I won’t be one of those despicable “Its never my fault” people. Maybe I’m so afraid of being that person, I take it to the opposite extreme. That way I can separate myself from Rooferman and everything he represents.
How Pisces of me to turn myself into a martyr.
Mr. Hippie Counselor asked me if I could forgive myself. Forgive myself for what? For getting involved with someone who told me it was my fault I got pregnant? For staying with that person for another year and a half? For putting my daughter in a situation where her parents were raving lunatics? Those are unforgivable offenses to me. Normal human beings don’t compromise their emotional, mental and physical safety. We are smarter than that (at least that’s what I’ve always believed).
Maybe I think too highly of humanity. Mr. Hippie said he thought I was one of those people who truly believes in the golden rule. Well duh, I’m a Pisces, we are famous for being sensitive, empathetic and getting ourselves hurt because of it.
So here’s the emotional homework that was given to me: Repeat and tap on the pressure points:
I forgive myself for the choices I’ve made.
I deserve to be happy and in a good relationship.
Even thought I’m still angry and afraid, I love myself deeply and completely.
Apparently I’ve acquired a therapist. Maybe our next session we can act out this scene from Good Will Hunting:
Oh, and thanks to Ms. Single Mama, I now know that I’m dealing with a “Kid Man.”
This must be the week for psychological revelations.