Psychological Revelations

Thank you all for your awesome words of comfort. Blogging is such a strange thing. In all physicality, you are completely isolated from the rest of the world; alone with your thoughts, staring at a computer screen. Yet, I feel such a strong sense of connectedness to humanity through these virtual writings. I’ve traveled to Africa, I’ve gone back to college, protested in California, and glimpsed into religion.

Further still, I’ve recieved tangibles from bloggers through the mail. I’ve actually glimpsed fellow single mom bloggers via youtube and flickr. I’ve even broken down the barrier of anonymity and met a kick-ass girl blogger in real life. Blogging’s shrouded Internet presence has become so much more to me, and I wish I could express my gratitude to those who have made it so real and meaningful.

Mr. Hippie Counselor asked me why I like to beat myself up so much. I said “I don’t  like it! Who likes making themselves feel miserable?” Apparently he thinks I do.

I started to think about how much I hate people who blame the world for their problems. How much I don’t want to be like that. Obviously most of that hate comes from dealing with Rooferman’s dysfunctional worldlyattitude. Maybe blaming myself for everything guarantees that I won’t be one of those despicable “Its never my fault” people. Maybe I’m so afraid of being that person, I take it to the opposite extreme. That way I can separate myself from Rooferman and everything he represents.

How Pisces of me to turn myself into a martyr.

Mr. Hippie Counselor asked me if I could forgive myself. Forgive myself for what? For getting involved with someone who told me it was my fault I got pregnant? For staying with that person for another year and a half? For putting my daughter in a situation where her parents were raving lunatics? Those are unforgivable offenses to me. Normal human beings don’t compromise their emotional, mental and physical safety. We are smarter than that (at least that’s what I’ve always believed).

Maybe I think too highly of humanity. Mr. Hippie said he thought I was one of those people who truly believes in the golden rule. Well duh, I’m a Pisces, we are famous for being sensitive, empathetic and getting ourselves hurt because of it.

So here’s the emotional homework that was given to me: Repeat and tap on the pressure points:

I forgive myself for the choices I’ve made.

I deserve to be happy and in a good relationship.

Even thought I’m still angry and afraid, I love myself deeply and completely.

Apparently I’ve acquired a therapist. Maybe our next session we can act out this scene from Good Will Hunting:

Oh, and thanks to Ms. Single Mama, I now know that I’m dealing with a “Kid Man.”

This must be the week for psychological revelations.

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10 thoughts on “Psychological Revelations

  1. I’m not feeling your therapist. You have good moments and bad. There is so much conflicting emotions when it comes to accepting our past. Particularly when every time you may be past it, there’s another court issue to deal with!
    You’re doing an amazing job. I do know that you love yourself, and that, if forgiving yourself is necessary, you’re working on it.
    There’s still a lot of crap going on in your life right now, and I think you’re doing an amazing job.
    And I so know what you mean about feeling more connected in front of the computer. I hope that I do get a chance to meet YOU, a kick-ass blogger, someday.

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  2. Your sentiments about the blogging world are SO precise and clear to the point … I’ve tried to express the same thing so many times and I just never feel like I’m getting it right.

    So, I’m totally reserving the right to come steal these exact sentiments when the time comes. 😉

    *hugs*

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  3. I don’t blog that much so won’t comment on that part of the post but being a Pisces myself I really understand the beating yourself up part. I’m always willing to take my lumps maybe sometimes when I shouldn’t. I’ve made lots of mistakes and finally sort of forgave myself for some of them.

    I tell myself that at that time and place I did the best I could.

    I can’t change what happened so telling myself how completely stupid I was does not do any good. It helps me to accept what happened and not carry the guilt I sometimes feel for very foolish choices. I do try and learn from the mistakes but from a more productive place instead of upset about what a terrible person I am. We all make mistakes it’s part of growing. In my heart I know I always tried my best.

    I was almost 22 when I had my son (almost 16 years ago and he is also a Pisces) with a really poor choice for a Father. I am lucky in that he left us alone though when I left when my son was 1.5 yr old. I cannot imagine what you are going through but my heart goes out to you.

    So give yourself a break ~ don’t say mean terrible things about yourself even if only in thoughts. When you do slip ~ try to stop and cancel it out. It gets easier to catch yourself and not fall into that self destructive trap.

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  4. Normal people do make mistakes like that – I did.

    Forgive yourself.

    This inability to forgive yourself (I am speaking from experience) could hinder you from opening your heart to someone new. You’ll be too scared of making the same mistake twice.

    Good luck, sounds like you’re headed in the right direction. I think my ex was a Kid Man too. Glad that post helped!

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  5. Often the hardest person to forgive is yourself. There are times when I wonder if I really have, I still kick myself for some of the decisions I made.

    But you are so much more than your mistakes. You deserve to forgive yourself and move forward.

    What you said about blogging is so true. So true.

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  6. I can’t seem to forgive myself either and it is definitely having a negative effect on my life. I can’t seem to move forward because I am constantly lamenting my past bad choices.

    Blogging is so awesome. How else can you connect with people who can really relate to what you deal with on a daily basis?? You’d be hard pressed to find a therapist who truly knows what you are going through!

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  7. Normal people do self-destructive things all the time. Can you think of even one person you’ve ever met who didn’t do at least one damaging thing in his or her life? I really, truly believe that only if we have all the information, and only if we actually understand the consequences of everything we do, will we make the “right” choice. It’s why I do what I do– give people information, you empower them. You got involved with the dude because you didn’t know how this would turn out. And now you know more about him, yourself and the way the world works. You’re better for it. And look what awesome little person came from your “mistake”! Walk tall, lady.

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