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Mommy, you make me cry.

November 12, 2008

I walked into work crying today, and my boss immediately called her hubby to come “tap” on me. They really care about me, which is going to make leaving this job (if it ever happens) even harder. Last night was rough.

Rooferman actually picked up LB at daycare for the first time (and before they closed!) and continued his “I’m the best father in the world” 2-day streak. I went to the gym to burn off the anxiety I had been feeling all day, and went to pick Boo Boo Bear up at 7:30.

Ignoring the McCain/Palin sign that’s still in their window, I knocked on the door and was greeted by Blondie’s 5-year-old daughter demanding “Why can’t LB stay the night?” I told her that she sleeps at her own house, in her own bed. Blondie then gave me a dirty look and said “Don’t worry honey, she’ll be sleeping over very soon.”

Okayyy. Was that a threat? Rooferman didn’t say a word, other than directing LB to “give your sister a hug.”

I asked him if he had any trouble finding the daycare. He ignored me.

Blondie daughter #2 came up to me and asked, “Why are you so mean to my daddy?”

I looked at Rooferman and said, “Same thing Thursday?”  He ignored me.

On that note, I turned on my mean mommy heel and left.

 Driving home, LB said from the backseat “I have two mommies.”

I almost threw up right there.

 When we got home, she told me she was hungry. I asked if she had eaten any dinner. She said, “I eat candy.”

 Great.

She wet herself as she was eating some toast. I asked her if she went potty at daddy’s house. She said “I don’t like to go potty there.”

She then proceeded to cry from about 8:30 to 10:30, as I was trying to get her to sleep. Eventually she was so hysterical she didn’t know what she wanted. She was yawning and screaming. She was asking for her blanket and then throwing back at me. I sat outside her bedroom door and sobbed, wondering if my worst fear had come true.

The door opened. A tear-streaked LB came to me and said ‘Mommy you make me cry.”

I gave up. She slept in Mommys’ bed last night.

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?

28 Comments leave one →
  1. November 12, 2008 10:38 am

    I wish for you the exact same thing I keep wishing for myself. That eventually Rooferman will realize that this is not about him, Blondie or her little girls. It is about LB and what SHE needs right now. You cannot change him…obviously. I hope things get better for you and above all, for LB. My kiddos have been on and off on visitation for 2 years now and they still act this way when they come home. It was getting better for a few weeks when the schedule was stable but that all went out the window.

    Just keep doing what you are doing. Keep track of voicemails, phone calls, missed visits, etc.

    Like

  2. November 12, 2008 10:42 am

    Ok, this just brought me to tears. Just knowing what you are feeling and going through is just an instant tear dropper!

    Things will get easier as LB get’s older; she will able to comprehend the madness (well to the best of her ability. My son is 11 now and it is much easier for him to express himself but it still doesn’t make the situation any less hectic. I wish I had some wiser words of wisdom to share. Stay strong and remember you are the only mommy to LB! She may develop a relationship with Blondie but she will never be able to take your place!

    Like

  3. November 12, 2008 10:45 am

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry! I remember going thru similar stuff when I used to let X see them. I don’t have any great advice, and I won’t venture to guess the future, but we’re all here for you.

    Like

  4. November 12, 2008 11:05 am

    HUGE (((((hugs)))) to you, pisceshanna…I am not in a situation at all similar to yours, but I am the mom of a young son, and so I can only try to imagine how horrible it would feel to go through what you are going through, and my imagining of it breaks my heart. I am so sorry.

    I only hope that others are right that it will get easier as LB gets older and can comprehend the situation better.

    I do agree that Blondie will NEVER take your place in LB’s heart, if that is any consolation.

    I am wishing for the best possible outcomes as this plays out in the coming weeks. I will be thinking of you…

    Like

  5. November 12, 2008 11:13 am

    OMG, I’m so, so, so sorry =( I actually cried reading this today. We’re all here for you. Blondie can’t hold a candle to you on her best day. Love you lots!

    Like

  6. November 12, 2008 11:45 am

    Wow, sounds like LB’s having some very understandable reactions. I know when I was on steroids, I was definitely acting like this. She’s lashing out at you for two reasons. First and overwhelmingly: she knows you’ll love her anyway and never leave her. Second: a small part of her knows that her life is upset because of you. You’re her primary caregiver, so everything in her life is your fault, in her mind. But the fact that she doesn’t like to go potty at daddy’s house is indicative that she doesn’t feel very safe and comfortable there. And kids may not understand this consciously, but candy is bad for them, and she almost certainly feels physically better while she’s with you or at daycare.

    I believe that she was actually lashing out at you, not that she really loves Blondie like her mommy. (Plus, let’s not exclude the possibility that daddy and Blondie coached her to say that.) The best you can do is just keep loving her and taking care of her.

    Good luck babe.

    Like

  7. QTMama permalink
    November 12, 2008 2:19 pm

    Oh my oh my oh MY.

    I am so sorry for this. I know, I just know. It’s confusing for the little ones. And it sounds like she was simply, overtired.

    *hugs*

    Like

  8. November 12, 2008 2:40 pm

    I’m so sorry. Having to share custody with someone like that is horrendous.

    It’ll get better once she settles into the routine of visiting with him. It’s all so foreign to her right now that I am sure it is overwhelming.

    Like

  9. November 12, 2008 3:55 pm

    I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

    If it helps at all, sharing custody isn’t any easier when you get along with your ex. (Ex and I voted for the same guy for president.) My 11 year old still has the same separation issues occasionally when he comes home from his fathers – 2 years of regular visitation later. My girls have adjusted well.

    Perhaps the hardest thing ever as a mother is having to hear your 18 month old say her stepmother’s name. I know it’s hard but time fixes everything. Eventually exs true colors show. Eventually the kids remember who it is who wipes their butts, holds them when they have scary dreams, bakes cupcakes for their class and cheers at every one of their baseball games.

    The other thing that really helped me? Talking to kids who had grown up in a single mother household. One girl told me she took all her anger at her father out on her mother, because she never worried that her mother would leave. So much as it sucks right now, much as it breaks your heart, I firmly believe that in the end the kids know who truely loves them, will always be there for them, keep them safe. And all you have to do is keep being the terrific mom I know you are. Until then, keep writing!

    Like

  10. November 12, 2008 5:22 pm

    Oh, my Obama-mama. I cried reading your comment, and I am crying now. Girl, you are absolutely the most incredible, remarkable person I’ve met in all of Durango. Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t tell me how amazing you were when you came to our fundraiser, and not a post goes by on your blog that doesn’t fill my heart a little more knowing that a person like you exists in the world. You ARE a good mother, and you ARE a good human, and if there was a way to avoid all this, you know the universe would bestow it upon you. As it is, that which does not kill us makes us stronger, right? True for you and for LB. Your family will survive this, and the bond you share with your daughter will not be diminished in any way by whatever crazy shit he pulls or whatever crazy broad he shacks up with. Hang in there and go on and cry whenever you want to. You’re doing everything you can and should be doing, and although I can’t even fanthom how much this hurts right now, I know you are strong enough to pull through. I’m hugging you across the Internet (and also from across downtown).

    Like

  11. November 12, 2008 6:11 pm

    Holy shit. I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I absolutely could not deal with this. It is my worst nightmare for sure.

    This isn’t making it any better, I know.

    I have complete admiration for you and the way that you’ve handled all of this mess.

    My heart just breaks for the two of you.

    Like

  12. Shiona permalink
    November 12, 2008 7:57 pm

    All I can say is I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think this is what the rest of your life will be like. Now I’ll share a story

    My parents divorced when I was seven. At first we were always with our mom. She started going into her own thing and I was always left to care for my siblings. Eventually when my dad fell behind on child support he used my mom’s gambling addiction to gain custody of us. At that point I was twelve and my sister was ten and my brother was five. We were asked who we wanted to be with and we chose my dad. That was because we could all see that my mom was incapable of dealing with her issues and us too. I myself chose to live there because I didn’t have to worry about taking care of my siblings a grown up could actually do so. So off we went to join my stepmom and her three kids. Which was better than worrying about what to eat or fielding “When is Mommy coming home?”

    Your situation seems to be reversed. You are the more stable parent (money wise and as far as home life) and who really knows where his money is coming from and how it is inside the house since she doesn’t even like to use the bathroom there. As we grew older we came to our own conclusions about our parents. My dad although he was money hungry and all about himself in his roundabout way he cared about us unlike my mom who continued down her path (even to this day) and barely even saw us (even though she kept saying she wanted to and refused to get help so she could)

    LB will make her own decisions. She may be a bit young now to understand what is going on but being around someone as strong as you are will definitely help her to fully recognize where she will have the better life.

    This too shall pass Stay strong 🙂

    Like

  13. November 12, 2008 8:47 pm

    If you want, I can go kick some ass in Durango. lol

    Like

  14. November 12, 2008 8:53 pm

    oh dear hanna, I hope you have drawn some comfort from these posts and know that so many of us are cheering you on and have your back. Please lean on the people who care about you during this time and know that you are not alone. Huge hugs, mama.

    Like

  15. underthebigbluesky permalink
    November 12, 2008 9:41 pm

    sweetie, sweetie.

    she’s lashing out at you because she feels comfortable enough and trusts you enough to express her emotions of which she doesn’t understand. take comfort in that if anything.

    does that make it any easier, no.

    i agree with the others, as she gets older she will become more aware. my five year old still sees my ex as SUPERDAD, except when she’s calling to ask why he never comes and sees her. my seven year old grudginglly talks to him and puts up with his bull$#(% only when forced to.

    having another person and their children in the mix. i cannot imagine.

    when you feel like you’re going to explode, cry, then breathe, then cry again, then go peep at her and hold her tight.

    he will dig his own grave, so to speak.

    Like

  16. November 12, 2008 10:07 pm

    I don’t have anything profound to offer you except for hugs. My boys are 4 and 2 and are so confused by all that is going on right now. It kills me when I have to enforce some kind of rules and my 4 year old spits “I want my DaDa!” at me but then they come home from visitation crying because they were scared at Daddy’s house and his roommates made fun of them. The only thing I know to do is to try to be an adult and let them see and make their own decisions. It breaks my heart that they have to grow up so fast but I can see already that they know who is playing games and who is really there for them. LB’s a smart cookie…she’ll figure it out too. And the cruelest irony is that when she does, you’ll be the one to wipe her tears away and pick up the pieces for her. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy but it does help me to know that we’re not alone so thank you for sharing. If there’s ever anything I can do, you have a friend in Georgia.

    Like

  17. lilcyndiluwho permalink
    November 12, 2008 10:25 pm

    Ah, Geezus!! I’m so sorry. What a f-ker. And what a b-tch. Any woman who is dumb enough to buy so into all the drama her new man cooks up about his ex is just seriously asking for it to happen to her too. (((hugs))) You know, in my line of work, I just so happen to come in contact with numerous shady characters, many of whom I’m sure have crowbars… or at least bats…. and could probably use a little extra, under the table, cash. Just sayin’.

    (((more hugs)))

    Like

  18. laurakim123 permalink
    November 12, 2008 10:35 pm

    ((HUGS))

    Its a confusing time for her! Rooferman hasnt been a feature in her life and now suddenly he is there – 2 days and she finds herself in this other world!

    I agree she is lashing out cos she trusts you. You make her feel secure so she can let her fears out!

    The only constructive advice I can offer is keep talking to her. Ask the school to keep talking to her! My daughter opens up to her teacher more about Mr Ex than she does to me. So get them to listen and talk to her!

    The best thing (and I say that for lack of a better word) would be if RM actually does maintain his visitation and you can all form some sort of new routine.

    Like

  19. November 13, 2008 11:55 am

    Yes it will get better and it will get easier…time makes things easier when it comes to this…My ex does not bother me at all anymore…he is an a** and I know this…I am mean to him and don’t care..lol..I will tell him like it is and not worry about his feelings..cause I don’t care…I took him to court and got every darn dime I could get for child support leaving him high and dry and I don’t care…feels good..after being left with a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 week old having no job and penniless…no I have no guilt over hurting him…and in the years that will go by..you will feel the same way…so yeap things do get better…don’t let your ex bother you…they are not worth it…that is why they are ex’s..lol…as far as your child…kids are strong…she will be fine…it will take awhile, but she will adjust and things will smooth out.. gotta have faith girl faith! 🙂

    Like

  20. carrielt permalink
    November 14, 2008 10:57 am

    Can you video tape everything that goes on? Turn the camera on in the car and until she goes to bed. That way you can show your lawyer or whoever what happens when she gets home.

    Like

  21. November 14, 2008 11:15 am

    Big HUGE hugs, m’lady. Oh gosh. I don’t even know what to say, other than I know what you’re going through.

    Whenever I put Son in timeout, he cries for his dad. (And his dad says when he puts him in time out, Son cries for me.)

    I think 2 is just such a confusing age for these kids. Have you read “Raising Your Spirited Child”? I’m reading it, and not all of it applies to Son–at ALL, but there are these things that clue me in to his personality–heck, just KIDS (spirited or not) personalities that have me better equipped to handle things like these. Things I just had no effing clue about before. Maybe I’ll drop you an email.

    Like

  22. November 14, 2008 9:08 pm

    Do you mind if I link to this?

    Like

  23. November 15, 2008 8:23 pm

    Oh…reading that made my stomach hurt. You just keep reminding her that she only has ONE mommy and that it’s you! She’s only repeating the garbage that Blondie feeds her every minute that they’re together. It doesn’t make any of it easier now, but she’ll know when she’s older what it means to truly be somebody’s mother. Keep holding on…this crap can’t last forever…

    (((big hugs)))

    Like

  24. November 16, 2008 7:06 pm

    Oh boy, what a nightmare!! 😦 I am so sorry. (((HUGE HUGS)))

    Like

  25. November 16, 2008 10:42 pm

    I’m a little late, but I’m so sorry! How awful! I would have let her sleep in my bed too. I hope it gets better. It makes me mad just reading it, so I can’t imagine how you feel.

    Like

  26. doeseatoats permalink
    November 16, 2008 11:03 pm

    Oh no. Doll, I am so, so sorry for you and LB. If it makes you feel any better (it might not) C. just turned two, and she is throwing the exact same fits. I have her 24/7 except when I’m in school… and like I said, same fits. No heartwrenching statements yet, though.

    All my love to you both.

    Like

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