court, single mom, strength, stress week

Aftermath

After court, I returned to my office and went directly to the restroom. I’ve been hiding in the girl’s room for purposes of crying since elementary school.  I think its a female tradition (or maybe just mine). As I lurched out of the stall, I felt a sick wave of white light pass over my eyes. It felt like I had just donated a gallon of blood, or had a limb removed. I felt like I might blackout.

I pulled myself together and went back to my desk, where I sat staring at my computer for the rest of the afternoon, a dull glaze over my eyes. I had nothing more than one word responses for people after that, even though I had text messages flying in, emails popping up, people wanting to know how court went.

I had been trying to nibble on a Luna bar all day long, so my brain would have some protein to present to the invisible Judge I was going to see. At about 1:30 pm, it was obvious my stomach was not going to accept more than 1/3 of the bar, so I tossed it. I had tossed my Republican blazer due to the profuse amount of sweat I was contributing to the cloth’s synthetic texture. I looked like a sad, naked, hungry, smelly dog someone had abandoned.

The lightheadedness eventually was replaced by total body shut down. I was more exhausted than I have ever been in my life, even after labor. I felt like I had climbed Everest, run the Boston Marathon and participated in Final Jeopardy all at the same time. I was mentally, emotionally and physically done. Stick a fork in me. I got home and curled up in the fetal position on the couch while LB watched Winnie the Pooh.

I’ve been fearing, obsessing, dreading, thinking, planning, preparing and talking about this day for almost a year now. I may not have realized how much I had built my first court appearance up. It had been sitting there in the back of my mind constantly for half of LB’s life. As much as the “tapping” and blogging had helped me deal with the stress, it was evident that my body was still suffering the effects. I don’t know if fasting all day added to it, but everything came crashing down last night. The floodgates had been opened, and I was completely drained.

My lovely sister sent me a text that said, “Hey, at least you’re not constipated anymore!” Thanks sweetness.

At least the proverbial cherry’s been popped. I’m officially part of the court system. Thank God I have the wisdom and grace of the rest of the blogging world to give me strength. You don’t mind if I mainline it directly, do you?

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13 thoughts on “Aftermath”

  1. Trust a sister to come up with such a bright side. We are all here; I had emails waiting this morning about you, too, wondering if I had heard anything. We all care, and all of us single mamas have been through this in one way or another. Wisdom? Meh, I have none of that. But strength? Got it in spades. Love you.

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  2. We’re all here, ready to catch you/cheer you on/listen/sympathize…whatever you need.
    The whole process is emotionally and mentally exhausting. PLEASE take care of yourself. You’re going to need as much energy and strength as you can get!

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  3. I’m going to echo everyone else with the wishes of support, mainline my support if you need, and echo April specifically when I tell you to take care of YOU. As much as you can, anyway. I wish there was something I could do to make this easier on you.

    How about some random weird advice? When I get all nervous about something, I pretend I don’t care. For some reason, that makes it easier. Or else I become super prepared (like you have). It worked when I talked to the 200 plus employees at my work about a recent project. But I also didn’t eat anything until after it was done.

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  4. I think how you feeling is natural! The decision that should have been made is a raelly big one – its only natural your entire body feels it!

    You going to be ok though! You have the weekend to chill – even if it means Winnie the Pooh is on replay all weekend 🙂

    And of course you can mainline, vent, whatever! The only way to get through this things is to know you have a safe place to fall!!

    I actually do what swm – pretend that I dont care – I prepare but pretend its for someone else so that I can detach my emotions – makes it a little easier!!

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  5. I just wanted to echo that we are here for support/understand and have a shoulder to cry on , whatever. Things like this are truly exhausting.

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  6. I have been where you are (more than once) and it truly sucks. Court is so exhausting both physically and mentally. Just know that we can relate to what you are going through and will support you every step of the way!

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  7. Complete exhaustion. I can only imagine. I’m sorry it drained you so fully. But it sounds like you did great at court. Keeping your cool when he is so helpless is so important. I’m so proud of you. Great job! LB is so lucky to have you as her mommy.

    You are so right. You are so much better off out of the unhealthy relationship. These days so much of my contact with ex is the same reminder.

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  8. Thanks for preparing me, my court date is Jan. 27th for our custody issues. Have waited since I filed in May of this year and now they want me in a parenting class with two days notice. How to handle living apart with your kids.

    You did get that we separated in May right? It’s November, great help.

    Now can you make him show up when he says he will? Cause even though he wants joint custoday, he hasn’t made an appearance in five days.

    Gotta love the court system.

    Hang in there mama, we’re all pulling for you!

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  9. If it helps at all, I think this is completely normal. At least, you responded the same way I did so I hope that’s normal. I honestly don’t remember a time in my life when I felt so completely drained, physically, emotionally, and mentally as after our first mediation. And I say “our first” because I know it is not over. We did supposedly come to a “complete agreement” but there are so many issues that were not even raised and so many more that I have second thoughts about. I know this is far from over and that scares the hell out of me. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I only wish there was something I could do. Maybe someday we can meet in the middle and share a babysitter and a nice bottle of wine! Hang in there…

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