After court, I returned to my office and went directly to the restroom. I’ve been hiding in the girl’s room for purposes of crying since elementary school. I think its a female tradition (or maybe just mine). As I lurched out of the stall, I felt a sick wave of white light pass over my eyes. It felt like I had just donated a gallon of blood, or had a limb removed. I felt like I might blackout.
I pulled myself together and went back to my desk, where I sat staring at my computer for the rest of the afternoon, a dull glaze over my eyes. I had nothing more than one word responses for people after that, even though I had text messages flying in, emails popping up, people wanting to know how court went.
I had been trying to nibble on a Luna bar all day long, so my brain would have some protein to present to the invisible Judge I was going to see. At about 1:30 pm, it was obvious my stomach was not going to accept more than 1/3 of the bar, so I tossed it. I had tossed my Republican blazer due to the profuse amount of sweat I was contributing to the cloth’s synthetic texture. I looked like a sad, naked, hungry, smelly dog someone had abandoned.
The lightheadedness eventually was replaced by total body shut down. I was more exhausted than I have ever been in my life, even after labor. I felt like I had climbed Everest, run the Boston Marathon and participated in Final Jeopardy all at the same time. I was mentally, emotionally and physically done. Stick a fork in me. I got home and curled up in the fetal position on the couch while LB watched Winnie the Pooh.
I’ve been fearing, obsessing, dreading, thinking, planning, preparing and talking about this day for almost a year now. I may not have realized how much I had built my first court appearance up. It had been sitting there in the back of my mind constantly for half of LB’s life. As much as the “tapping” and blogging had helped me deal with the stress, it was evident that my body was still suffering the effects. I don’t know if fasting all day added to it, but everything came crashing down last night. The floodgates had been opened, and I was completely drained.
My lovely sister sent me a text that said, “Hey, at least you’re not constipated anymore!” Thanks sweetness.
At least the proverbial cherry’s been popped. I’m officially part of the court system. Thank God I have the wisdom and grace of the rest of the blogging world to give me strength. You don’t mind if I mainline it directly, do you?