I woke up this morning feeling a little eh….Let me insert an obscure movie quote here:
“You do ever feel like you are just this far from being completely hysterical 24 hours a day?” – Mary-Louise Parker, Grand Canyon -1991.
Ok, so its a little dramatic, and from a semi-crappy Lawrence Kasdan movie, but that’s how I’m feeling today. On New Year’s Eve, I prayed for peace, courage and wisdom in 2008 , and I’m trying to stick to that. Part of me thinks I’m doing a great job (3 days into the New Year..Haha) and part of me thinks that I’m just holding back a serious breakdown, in order to pretend that I’m really courageous deep down.
Whatever the reason I feel so horrible today, I guess finding peace means that if I DO have a breakdown and act un-courageously sometime this year, I will be able to accept that and move on without regret. Its just a lot scarier to accept that once you have another little person (who you don’t want to scar with your impending meltdown) to worry about.
Having wisdom means using all your experiences in order to direct your life in the way it should be going. Or maybe it means something else, and I have yet to figure it out, but right now that’s what it means to me. I hope I am smart enough to figure it out.
I had a dream last night that I was beatmatching the “Truth/Trust” Remix by George Acosta and “Walking on Clouds” by Tiesto, and I made this incredible, seamless, heavenly song. It was so amazing that even my mom looked happy for a second.
I’m hoping this is a premonition for my life in 2008. Beatmatching is the stepping stone for all other DJing abilities, and its hard to separate the two songs in your head, then figure out how to put them back together so they fit. But once you get it, a whole new world opens up. Its like snowboarding, which is pretty difficult to learn, but after you get the basics, its all downhill from there.
I don’t want to decode my own dream to deeply, but maybe it means that I will be able to “beatmatch” the jagged parts of my life that are hurting me right now, and find some kind of fluency to that pain. Maybe I can turn the severed end of this part of my life into something beautiful and new. I am going to DJ the fragmented pieces into something that makes sense, a club anthem for all the single moms out there! Get your glow sticks out mamas!
Ok seriously. I do have good news. Out of the stress, pain and chaos of these last few months, the couple who received my 25 little eggies are officially PREGNANT. That in itself fills me with a tremendous sense of happiness and fulfillment. Even if my life is a wreck, I know that out there, a family is overflowing with joy, and at least had a little part in it.
P.S. I also lost 3 pounds 🙂 How did THAT happen? Its always nice when you step on the scale, feeling as low as you possibly can, and are pleasantly surprised. Take THAT Christmas candy!