The date was a bust. Absolutely no chemistry between us. Conversation consisted of me talking 90% of the time and staring out the window. I tried to ask open-ended questions. I wanted to hear his story. I wanted to see if there was something intriguing about him that could lead us into a real conversation.
It never happened. He moved to Durango to snowboard. He’s from the Front Range. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life. I was so bored with the conversation that I didn’t even think to get his Astrological stats, so I could look them up later.
He did ask me about my daughter. He did pay the bill. He did walk me to my car. He was polite. He was nice. But that was all. I don’t think I can base a relationship off a handful of decent qualities.
I wasn’t really expecting much, so it wasn’t disappointing. I did start feeling a little down, wondering if this was the best I could do. I don’t want to lower my expectations, because I am happy being single. I don’t need to be with a boring guy just because he is cool with me having a kid. It’s not worth it.
But I feel like the people around me are sending me the message that I should be happy with what I can get. That a perfectly decent guy who likes kids is what I should be looking for. Doesn’t matter if there is no attraction, or if he is double my age, if he’s cool with LB (my physical evidence of a failed relationship), what else could I want?!
It just rubs me the wrong way. I’m not desperate. My child is not tumor I’m infected with. I don’t need people to find an acceptable man who will love me despite the child trailing behind me. I want someone who likes ME, and that means he will think my single motherhood is desirable, an asset to my personality, not something to be ignored. If it freaks him out that I have kid, then obviously we’re not meant to be. But, I can find that out on my own. I don’t need my friends to screen potential dates for me.
Or maybe I’m being overly defensive, and I just have to learn the hard way.
Your love life reveals an interesting mix of erotic fantasy and monastic celibacy. Maybe the stars are trying to show you that, while there is such a thing as divine love (and who but you would crave such lofty union?), there is also this thing some people refer to as reality. See, your partner is made up of flesh and bones, as well as other potentially messy stuff. It’s the messy stuff you’re not particularly amenable to. And that’s one of many reasons your stairway to heaven resides in your fantasy life. Because, who on earth could possibly measure up to your ideals, Fish? – Sasstrology.com
Wow, could that be more applicable to my life right now? Ye Gads.
I’m going on my first date since Junior year of high school. That was (count them) 10 years ago. I’m freaking out. I don’t know how to do this. Maybe it’s because this has been my relationship history in the last 10 years:
- Dated HS Sweetheart Freshman year of college until the Army killed all the joy, and sent us both into downward spirals of self-destructive behavior.
- Became a hermit for most of Sophomore year. Wondered if I was a lesbian since my only friends were members of the LGBT community & my roommate.
- Junior year, said roommate’s boyfriend told me he wanted to f*** me, which resulted in the end of my friendship with roommate and her boyfriend labeling me a slut to everyone they knew.
- Had a ONS with a DJ I met in a club during my Senior year. He told me I was the first white girl he’d ever slept with.
- Got a lap dance from a very homosexual exotic dancer during my basketball teammate’s 21st birthday party.
- Former Roommate’s boyfriend’s little brother enrolled in college and started coming over to my dorm. Received many threatening emails from Former Roommate AND her boyfriend for my whorish ass to ”stay the hell away from him.” Got very close to sleeping with little brother just for spite.
- Graduated, moved home and hooked up with fellow drug addicts.
- Had a menage a 3 with Icktapuss & Chivman.
- Met Rooferman. 6 months later we were engaged. 3 months after that we were pregnant. Roughly 2 years later he said he didn’t love me anymore.
- 6 months after moving out, A Babydaddy of my friend started sending me dirty texts, while she was in the hospital NICU with her baby. He got angry when I refused his offers to meet.
- Scared away Sushi Boy.
- Nurtured a crush on “Spot”
- Went to Single’s Night and had the most uncomfortable experience EVER.
- Lusted after many a guy via work stalking.
- FWB with Young Buck
- Reconnected with Chivman
- Reconnected with HS Sweetheart
Now I’m trying to date. It feels so unnatural. And judging by my past, I think I’m screwed. No pun intended.
- Really unhappy at work right now.
- Sending out more applications for state jobs & refreshing resume.
- Screenwriting software is nowhere to be found, so I’m still working on Screenplay via Facebook notes (Ghetto fabulous, eh?) until I can afford to purchase new software.
- Daughter wants to be a pumpkin for Halloween, attempting to sew for the first time in years.
- Had a chat with Roofie’s mom. Cannot deny my sick pleasure in the fact that “they aren’t doing too well.”
- Colors are changing. Weather is beautiful.
- Anarchy has been declared in Denver. The Broncos look like a bunch of wild banshees. I hope Champ Bailey can keep them in line. They’ve been pulling miracle plays out of their asses against crappy teams, but I’m scared for the big guns.
- Is it basketball season yet?
- Got my first speeding ticket since high school. I think I like driving my new car too much.
- Broke the “Resistance Band” that came with my EA Active game. No more bicep curls. Sucks.
- Having very strange dreams about Chivman & Scorpio #1.
- Trying to keep an open mind about first impressions, instead of immediately kicking men to the wind if I don’t feel an immediate “spark”. It’s hard to go against my instincts.
- Realizing I haven’t been on a real “date” since I was 16.
- Looking forward a passion-filled weekend. Is it only Monday?
Ok, I’ve really been struggling with this…and I think I’ve figured out how to to blog about it. I don’t know if I will lose friends or fellow bloggers over this, but I’m just going to throw it out there.
I keep trying to make sense of this sexual situation I’m in. My friends don’t really understand what I’m doing. They keep telling me I’m going to get hurt. Even I don’t understand what I’m doing. But I like it. I’m satisfied. I’m happy. I feel like I’m in control. I’m acting in a safe, responsible manner, in a way I feel like I can protect my daughter, and also spend as much time as possible with her.
I think I’ve said before that I don’t want a boyfriend. I’ve been evaluating the word “normal” for some time now. I like being alone. I am a stronger, smarter, better person when I am alone, and until I figure out how to be that person AND be a good full-time partner, I think its in my and my daughter’s best interest to remain alone.
But I don’t like being lonely. I miss men. I miss physical, emotional and mental intimacy, and I crave that at times. I have two Scorpios who give that to me when I need it, and are satisfied with being secondary to my single mom lifestyle. They too have their other lives, and I think its great.
My three closest friends are married. Two are married to men, one is married to her small business. They are totally dedicated to their significant other and love them in a n honorable and faithful manner.
People around me seem eager to usher me into a serious relationship, trying to seek out the men who will “be ok” with me having a kid, and partner me with a dependable, reliable man ASAP.
At the same time, I am surrounded by single moms finding love. Ms. Single Mama is in a wonderful, serious relationship. Both Mommypie and Littlemansmom are getting married. Modern Married Mama took her vows a few months ago. Mama Cum Laude is deeply involved with her Yooper man.
I am incredibly happy for them 
I also don’t think marriage is in my future.
Ugh I hate my sporadic blogging. I got an email from Examiner, indicating that they have “noticed a lack in posting.” So I frantically posted a single mom movie clip. Aghh. I’m sure I’m going to get booted from the Rocky Mountain Moms sorority soon too.
I’ve been posting some notes on my screenplay over on Facebook, but as of now they are just fragments I’m piecing together: things I don’t wanna forget.
I’m still digging though the frightening mess of college boxes, trying to find the screenwriting software I purchased my senior year. The program automatically formats your scripts, so you don’t have to spend hours indenting, tabbing and capitalizing your work. From what I remember, I made things way easier, and I need to FIND IT ASAP.
Also, I know I haven’t posted much about my romantic endeavors. Luckily, I will be able to release the sexual tension through a little project Mindy is kicking off with a troupe of single Colorado moms. As much as I want to write about the experience I’ve been having, I can’t do it here without major censorship, and its frustrating the hell out of me.
Now back to work. Yes, I’m working on Labor Day. 
Here’s the report from the Cosmos today:
Mercury will be working with the events since August 17th. Reframe the story. Make yourself the hero or heroine of it. No negative visions. You learned. You fixed. You proceeded. You’ll partner with it soon enough. -Anne Ortelee, Astrologyhome.com
Here’s what I was doing on August 17th. What were you doing? What story are you going to be the Hero of?
I stuck my head out of the window as Chivman threw my car into 3rd gear, feeling the last warm breath of summer caress my face. Even at 1 am, the air was soft, damp, comforting, or maybe I was still basking in the afterglow of Chivman’s touch. The smell of cows caused a momentary curl in my upper lip.
“Its smells like Nebraska out here,” I said in haughty Colorado fashion.
Chivman ignored me and looked down at my Odometer.
“How many miles did this have on it when you bought it?”
“75,000.”
“And how long have you had it?”
“Uh, 2-3 months?”
Chivman gave me his patented Scorpio look: A combination of snide accusation and half-incredulous endearment. His brown eyes pierced mine, a half smile on his lips. I turned red and grinned sheepishly.
“I know, I’ve been bad to my car. I’ve already put like 2,000 miles on it.”
“Try 4,000,” Chivman said.
I sat straight up. “WHAT?!”
Chivman released his deep throaty laugh into the wee hours of the night. He stared at me, wondering how I could sit in front of the Odometer everyday and NOT notice this. What can I say? I’m a Pisces, we notice rainbows and when the moon is full, not the 4,000 mile difference on our Odometers.
I pinched my eyebrow, a habit I picked up while Tweaking during the summer of 2004. I looked at Chivman, who’s eyes danced humorously in the darkness of the driver’s seat. I regarded the mileage I’ve put on my car this summer. Is the Scorpio lure strong enough to entice a fish to move across the state?
I wanted to slap myself.
I hope I’m stronger than that. I’m not a puppet anymore. I have a backbone. I am responsible. I am NOT the Foolish Traveler. I have many good reasons NOT involving hot sex for wanting to make this change.
However, when I’m inahaling the intoxicating scent of a scorpion, its hard to think about anything else.
I know I haven’t blogged in a while, mostly due to miserable working conditions and traveling to the Front Range every other weekend. I haven’t had the energy or heart to find my creativity. I’ve been at my job for almost 6 months now, and the more I’m exposed to paperwork and bureaucracy, the less I want to make Administrative Assisting my career.
I’m remembering why I went to the college I did. I’m feeling the need to make something out of that. So, 5 years after commencement, I’m finally starting another screenplay. My goal is to finish it by next summer.
I know. Like I need another project, right?
I’ve talked a lot about setting limits, saying no, and finding my backbone this year, which for a Pisces is probably one of the biggest things we have to learn in life. The following story is a little out there, but I as always, I continue find my inspiration in the weirdest, cheesiest places.
That’s why you love me, right?
My high school Bestie and one of the 3 Leo friends, Jiji, can always be counted on to provide the latest in Anime entertainment. Over the last 10 years, we’ve spent countless hours reading subtitles, attempting to decipher ridiculously complicated Japanese story lines, and claiming allegiance to our favorite nerdy shows. I have the honor of introducing Jiji to Astrology and she has the honor of getting me hooked on Japanimation marketed towards 8th grade girls.
Last week, my chum brought over a new series.
“You are going to LOVE this one. It’s all about the Chinese Zodiac AND it has a kick ass single mom character,” she said.
Word. Hooked me at hello.
In typical Anime fashion, the storyline is lighthearted and silly 95% of the time, then suddenly goes to the dark side with a twisted turn of events. When the following story came onscreen, I was immediately struck by the Piscean themes. It really shook me, honestly.
Here’s the clip. If you can bear with me, tell me what you think.
After watching this, I thought about how far I’ve gone in my life, giving things up for other people. How much of my own needs I’ve sacrificed. Would I have gone as far as the foolish traveler? I think I would have.
I felt such sadness and anger after watching this. I looked at Jiji and said, ” well, that was fucked up!”
Even if he was generous, kind and utterly selfless, I don’t want to be that foolish traveler anymore.
Why I like Scorpio Men:
- They are confident
- The are direct
- They are unnerving
- They are intense
- They are serious
- They challenge you
- They shock you
- They are good kissers
- They turn me on like a lightbulb
- They are dedicated
- They don’t do anything half-assed
- They have secrets
- They like mystery
- They indulge in fantasy
- They have no fear
- They have high standards
- They make me wonder what they are thinking
They make me wanna….
Pre-Single Mommyhood
