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Without her presence

November 17, 2008

I took a lot of naps this weekend. I stared at the wall for long periods of time too. I wrapped myself in a blanket and watched Netflix. I read Anne Lamott. I watched the Broncos. I drank tea. I took more naps. I also killed a bottle of wine by myself.

My grandparents came up from Arizona on Saturday, so of course they wanted to see LB. Grandma Ruby requested some time with her as well. Rooferman claimed his visitation on Sunday, so I spent a total of 5 hours with my daughter this weekend.

Did I down a bottle of wine because I was sad and missed LB? Because I had to opportunity to be hungover without a toddler in the vicinity? Because I have no life and it was the only thing I could think of? Because I was at a party? Because I’m beginning to realize that taking Rooferman to court has cut into the time I used to spend with my daughter? Because I’m selfish? Because I’m ragging?

I know the 19 hours a week LB spends with her dad isn’t a lot of time. But its 2 evenings and one full day more than what I’m used to. That’s almost half the free time I have to spend with my daughter.  I’m not a stay-at-home mom. I work 40 hours a week. I look forward to those 5 evenings and 2 full days. Thats really not a lot of time to begin with.

Its clear that I really need to get over this. Can you see the panic in this entry? The wave of “what the hell am I going to do with myself” coming on strong? The anger and regret starting to boil?  The courts are not going to like this “YOU’RE TAKING MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM ME” mom, even if that’s how I’m feeling. These thoughts will bring nothing but trouble.

I can be away from my daughter. I can get used to living without her presence 24/7, even if that has been my life up for the last 2 years. I can find other things to do with my free time, that doesn’t involve drinking, napping and staring at walls.

But it still hurts.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. November 17, 2008 11:14 am

    Awww. I’m sorry. I can’t relate to this, because I don’t have to share Shiloh, but I can’t imagine how hard it would be. I know how it is to work all week and only have weekends and evenings with your child. It would be hard to give part of that time up.

  2. laurakim123 permalink
    November 17, 2008 11:15 am

    It does hurt! And I think it will always!

    My kids were away this weekend and are usually home by 16h00 – he dropped them at 17h30 – I was literally standing at the gate waiting for them!!

    But it does get a little easier to find constructive things to do with your alone time!!

    I also feel very selfish sometimes and as much as I WANT them to see their dad – I dont!

  3. November 17, 2008 11:32 am

    Aw, I’m sorry =(

  4. November 17, 2008 11:34 am

    I’m sorry. It sucks. I remember the first time ex took our 6 month old for a dinner visit with the other kids (we were separated before she was born.) I sat at the kitchen table bawling that a woman should never have to relinquish her baby. I called my Dad and he just listened as I cried and whined (to be honest he probably didn’t understand half of what I was saying through the tears).

    It gets easier, I promise. You will find things to fill the time. But right now it hurts. It sucks. And I’m sorry.

  5. QTMama permalink
    November 17, 2008 11:41 am

    Listen, every mommy, and I do mean EVERY MOMMY, needs some alone time. It’s adjusting to that time and not feeling guilty about it that is the kicker. It is okay to enjoy some time without your girl and it’s okay to enjoy that time while missing her. *hugs*

    As much as our kids learn from us, we are always still learning from them too. :) You’re learning how to let go a bit, sweets. And yes, it does hurt.

  6. November 17, 2008 12:46 pm

    I would love to be little miss Mary Sunshine here, but that isn’t my style. It hurts now, it will hurt 15 years from now, and there are times it will hurt worse. But you DO adjust, and you DO learn how to have fun without them, but you will never be 100% content and unworried until she is back home with you.

  7. November 17, 2008 12:47 pm

    It hurts, a lot. You are doing great though.

  8. November 17, 2008 1:44 pm

    I have no idea how the funk you do this. How do you deal???? You’re one strong mama, that is for sure.

    I hope you find something that you truly enjoy doing to fill your new free time.

  9. November 17, 2008 6:19 pm

    One of my single mama friends back in Denver told me one time about her big weekend date plans with some dude, her pedicure, the movie she had rented to watch in peace, etc., because she had two whole days when her son was going to be with his dad. Then she kind of lowered her voice and winked at me and said “There are advantages to my situation!” You’ll get there. Enjoy the time you have to yourself– you deserve it and need it, even if it takes some getting used to!

  10. November 17, 2008 9:22 pm

    Change always takes some adjusting to. There will be perks.

  11. lilcyndiluwho permalink
    November 17, 2008 9:43 pm

    The first time X had N-man for a whole week I had such grand plans to go out and be the queen of the town. Instead I stayed home everynight, depressed and missing him so bad it hurt. It’s starting getting better though. He won’t go with him for a whole week again until next summer, but I actually look forward to the one night a week he spends over there now (which would be tonight) because I can just focus on me. I can work late, go out to eat at a nice, non-chain restaurant with my friends, whatever I want. Hang in there. It’s never easy, but you’ll gradually get used to it.

  12. November 17, 2008 11:00 pm

    Man, I hope you feel better soon, after some adjustment time.

    -R.

  13. Shiona permalink
    November 17, 2008 11:10 pm

    I dread when this happens. On the one hand I want a break but on the other I want him to be around. His dad is already asking about overnights. Man I just don’t trust him to do what he has to to keep J safe. Hopefully I will go to a court where they can decide and set the age at like 2 or 3. So not ready for that…

    It does take getting used to.

  14. November 18, 2008 9:04 am

    It does hurt, it just gets easier to deal with. I’ve adjusted to the time without my daughter, but I still mourn the loss of those precious hours. Hang in there and look at the silver lining, you have that time to spend on yourself. I know I’ve spent my fair share of time without my daughter staring at the walls!

  15. November 18, 2008 10:37 am

    I have NO clue what this is like so I won’t even try to come up with a constructive response.

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